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100 Thoughts From When My Boyfriend Dragonballed Me To See 'Resurrection Of F'

100 thoughts I had when I went to see the new Dragon Ball Z Movie. What am I doing with my life?

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Ok, so Tuesday night my boyfriend, Alex -- who is a huge Dragon Ball Z fan -- made me go see the newest film in the franchise, 'Resurrection of F.' It should be stated that I have never watched Dragon Ball Z and, with the exception of information I have subconsciously retained whenever Alex talks about it (which unfortunately is all the time), I know absolutely nothing about the series.

Apparently, it is necessary whenever one sees these movies to dye their hair. Naturally, I was brought in as a stylist.

Apparently you can't bring down a DBZ fan. Their girlfriends, however, are a different story. I armed myself for this potential shit-show by bringing string cheese. I was not optimistic. Here's what I thought as I watched:


CAUTION!!!!!

Potential spoilers…Of course, I'm not really sure if any of this spoils anything because I don't really know what happened!

3. Goku transforms into a Super Say-It. This seems to be good. I guess this universe values public speaking.

8. OK, now we’re at a picnic for Energizer Bunny and friends. What the actual fuck?

9. So a little blue guy is coming to earth. His employees are frogs, demons, aliens, goblins, and an albino.

11. This movie has every species real and imaginary. BBC should do a series about this universe!

12. Little blue guy has Google Glass and is named Sorbet. People hate Google Glass…he MUST be a bad guy.

14. Everyone looks at the balls and makes sex sounds. Kinda kinky for a kids’ movie.

(Side note: there are no actual children in this theater.)

18. Dragons are genies. They grant wishes. R.I.P. Robin Williams.

23. Woah, buff guy created in space bathtub full of colored liquid — it is Rocky Horror Picture Show!

24. Guy emerges from space bathtub, his name is not Rocky but Freeza and Danny Devito is kissing his ass.

26. Freeza just shot some dude’s dick off with his finger! I think he’s the villain of the piece.

30. In Dragon Ball Z land they use ice cream to summon people. It’s a good way to get me out of the house too.

32. Now this lady who looks like a blue turnip is fighting Goku and Fajita.

37. Lady blue turnip is reading Goku and Fajita. RuPaul would be proud.

40. Mr. Bigglesworth and Turnip talk a lot about food. Like a lot a lot.

42. Whoa, the big bad Freeza uses his dick-shooting finger to destroy an entire city!

43. Motley Crue — whose members include Mr. Nanny, Johnny Depp, Jocko the space cock, somebody’s grandpa, a bald monk with forehead acne, and a samurai with a third eye — assemble to fight Freeza.

47. Old man now has most rockin’ of all the cartoon bods. Old man is actually kind of a GILF.

54. Motley Crue share tic-tacs after battle. Again, RuPaul would be proud.

59. Freeza takes off his clothes and Motley Crue seems super impressed.

61. When these guys fight they light up and shoot through the sky. “Baby you’re a firework!”

63. Fajita needs some Rogaine. He has a serious receding hairline.

66. Oh shit! Freeza can levitate more rocks than Goku! This does not bode well for him.

67. Lots of eye close-ups and zoom-ins, signaling another fight…This does not bode well for me.

69. Goku looks like ice but Freeza looks like fire! Where’s the sense in that, Dragon Ball Z!?

72. These guys should have their own show on The Food Network. I would TiVo the shit out of that.

76. Don’t freak out Freeza, Bigglesworth is a feaster, not a fighter.

79. Bigglesworth, you beautiful strawberry-stealing son of a bitch!

84. It was just revealed that Fajita used to be a bad guy! (I have a feeling I’m the only one who didn’t know this)

87. Goku is dying - Quick, somebody get him the last tic tac!!!

89. Fajita just blue himself and the crowd freaked the fuck out!

94. It’s not over yet! Gay blue turnip time lord is our only hope!

96. Goku kills Freeza and an adult woman in front of me lifts her hands in praise. Again, literally.

98. But what’s his damage? He got to kill Danny Devito. Way to see the glass half-empty, Fajita!

In conclusion, Dragon Ball Z is mostly fighting and not really my thing. I didn't learn much but I did find my soulmate (Bigglesworth not Alex). In the end, it was all worthwhile, because when Alex asked me how to get the glue out of his hair I told him to just brush it out.

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