Ok, so Tuesday night my boyfriend, Alex -- who is a huge Dragon Ball Z fan -- made me go see the newest film in the franchise, 'Resurrection of F.' It should be stated that I have never watched Dragon Ball Z and, with the exception of information I have subconsciously retained whenever Alex talks about it (which unfortunately is all the time), I know absolutely nothing about the series.
Apparently, it is necessary whenever one sees these movies to dye their hair. Naturally, I was brought in as a stylist.
This is the picture Alex gave me to work with.
And this is what we ended up with.
Despite its non-resemblance to the source material, Alex loved it.
Apparently you can't bring down a DBZ fan. Their girlfriends, however, are a different story. I armed myself for this potential shit-show by bringing string cheese. I was not optimistic. Here's what I thought as I watched:
Potential spoilers…Of course, I'm not really sure if any of this spoils anything because I don't really know what happened!
1. Speaking of spoilers, this is weird. They’re playing a “making of the movie” before the actual movie.
3. Goku transforms into a Super Say-It. This seems to be good. I guess this universe values public speaking.
4. One of the creators states this is a gift for the fans — AKA not for me.
7. There seems to be a lot of audience participation. OOH I should just pretend this is Rocky Horror Picture Show!
9. So a little blue guy is coming to earth. His employees are frogs, demons, aliens, goblins, and an albino.
10. Everyone is obsessed with balls.
12. Little blue guy has Google Glass and is named Sorbet. People hate Google Glass…he MUST be a bad guy.
13. Green alien in turban is apparently a hilarious nanny. That makes me think of that movie when Hulk Hogan is a nanny…I wish I were watching ANY Hulk Hogan movie instead!
14. Everyone looks at the balls and makes sex sounds. Kinda kinky for a kids’ movie.
(Side note: there are no actual children in this theater.)
17. But what I wanna know is…how did the dragon lose his balls in the first place?!
20. Sherbert should wish for more wishes!!! Always wish for more wishes! Or money.
21. If this were a Tim Burton movie, Sherbert would be played by Danny Devito.
23. Woah, buff guy created in space bathtub full of colored liquid — it is Rocky Horror Picture Show!
24. Guy emerges from space bathtub, his name is not Rocky but Freeza and Danny Devito is kissing his ass.
25. Ah, the albino’s name is Tag-Along. I want a Samoa!
27. Albino is dead and Freeza has a rat tail.
30. In Dragon Ball Z land they use ice cream to summon people. It’s a good way to get me out of the house too.
33. Lady blue turnip is a gay dude!
34. OK these guys do have cool hair.
38. Enter Purple Mr. Bigglesworth.
43. Motley Crue — whose members include Mr. Nanny, Johnny Depp, Jocko the space cock, somebody’s grandpa, a bald monk with forehead acne, and a samurai with a third eye — assemble to fight Freeza.
44. I gotta say, this chick with blue hair has a great rack.
46. The old man just got super buff!
48. The crowd goes wild. They are really into fighting.
50. Johnny Depp is slaying… His track suit!
51. Apparently Johnny Depp is Goku’s son.
57. Fajita is a homophobe. Sorry, Ru.
64. OK now we’ve reached the “I am not left-handed” part of the battle.
65. Goku powers up by levitating rocks and turning blue!
68. And more fighting…Is that ALL THIS IS!?!?!?
74. Who cares, show those guys eating more food.
77. And…. more fighting.
82. Apparently guns can kill gods. Lame.
84. It was just revealed that Fajita used to be a bad guy! (I have a feeling I’m the only one who didn’t know this)
86. Like friends with Bill Cosby evil.
90. And, we’re fighting again :(
93. Everyone is dead but Motley Crue, who is floating on a hunk of rock in space.
95. Rewind, Earth is back — Resurrected! Get it!?
96. Goku kills Freeza and an adult woman in front of me lifts her hands in praise. Again, literally.
99. And it’s over. It really was mostly fighting.
100. Post-credits scene…We’re back at the Energizer Bunny picnic which is apparently Freeza’s hell. There’s a Playboy Bunny/Pixie here. Cool. The end.
In conclusion, Dragon Ball Z is mostly fighting and not really my thing. I didn't learn much but I did find my soulmate (Bigglesworth not Alex). In the end, it was all worthwhile, because when Alex asked me how to get the glue out of his hair I told him to just brush it out.