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Ok, so Tuesday night my boyfriend, Alex -- who is a huge Dragon Ball Z fan -- made me go see the newest film in the franchise, 'Resurrection of F.' It should be stated that I have never watched Dragon Ball Z and, with the exception of information I have subconsciously retained whenever Alex talks about it (which unfortunately is all the time), I know absolutely nothing about the series.
Apparently, it is necessary whenever one sees these movies to dye their hair. Naturally, I was brought in as a stylist.
This is the picture Alex gave me to work with.
And this is what we ended up with.
Despite its non-resemblance to the source material, Alex loved it.
Apparently you can't bring down a DBZ fan. Their girlfriends, however, are a different story. I armed myself for this potential shit-show by bringing string cheese. I was not optimistic. Here's what I thought as I watched:
CAUTION!!!!!
Potential spoilers…Of course, I'm not really sure if any of this spoils anything because I don't really know what happened!
1. Speaking of spoilers, this is weird. They’re playing a “making of the movie” before the actual movie.
2. People keep laughing at things that make no sense.
3. Goku transforms into a Super Say-It. This seems to be good. I guess this universe values public speaking.
4. One of the creators states this is a gift for the fans — AKA not for me.
5. OK, now the movie is starting. I should be high for this.
6. Nah, I’ll be fine, I brought string cheese!
7. There seems to be a lot of audience participation. OOH I should just pretend this is Rocky Horror Picture Show!
8. OK, now we’re at a picnic for Energizer Bunny and friends. What the actual fuck?
9. So a little blue guy is coming to earth. His employees are frogs, demons, aliens, goblins, and an albino.
10. Everyone is obsessed with balls.
11. This movie has every species real and imaginary. BBC should do a series about this universe!
12. Little blue guy has Google Glass and is named Sorbet. People hate Google Glass…he MUST be a bad guy.
13. Green alien in turban is apparently a hilarious nanny. That makes me think of that movie when Hulk Hogan is a nanny…I wish I were watching ANY Hulk Hogan movie instead!
14. Everyone looks at the balls and makes sex sounds. Kinda kinky for a kids’ movie.
(Side note: there are no actual children in this theater.)
15. Ooh, the balls is a-glowin!
16. Apparently the balls belong to a dragon.
17. But what I wanna know is…how did the dragon lose his balls in the first place?!
18. Dragons are genies. They grant wishes. R.I.P. Robin Williams.
19. Don’t be rude to a dragon, now I know.
20. Sherbert should wish for more wishes!!! Always wish for more wishes! Or money.
21. If this were a Tim Burton movie, Sherbert would be played by Danny Devito.
22. And Johnny Depp as guy with Mr. Nanny!
23. Woah, buff guy created in space bathtub full of colored liquid — it is Rocky Horror Picture Show!
24. Guy emerges from space bathtub, his name is not Rocky but Freeza and Danny Devito is kissing his ass.
25. Ah, the albino’s name is Tag-Along. I want a Samoa!
26. Freeza just shot some dude’s dick off with his finger! I think he’s the villain of the piece.
27. Albino is dead and Freeza has a rat tail.
28. And here is Jocko the space cock!
29. Space cock is a spaz.
30. In Dragon Ball Z land they use ice cream to summon people. It’s a good way to get me out of the house too.
31. DBZ fans cheer for haircuts. Literally.
32. Now this lady who looks like a blue turnip is fighting Goku and Fajita.
33. Lady blue turnip is a gay dude!
34. OK these guys do have cool hair.
35. Lady blue turnip is a badass!
36. Ah yes, poop jokes. This I can relate to.
37. Lady blue turnip is reading Goku and Fajita. RuPaul would be proud.
38. Enter Purple Mr. Bigglesworth.
39. Hold up! Turnip is a time-lord. (A time gay-lord!)
40. Mr. Bigglesworth and Turnip talk a lot about food. Like a lot a lot.
41. Hey! Johnny Depp and his nanny can fly!
42. Whoa, the big bad Freeza uses his dick-shooting finger to destroy an entire city!
43. Motley Crue — whose members include Mr. Nanny, Johnny Depp, Jocko the space cock, somebody’s grandpa, a bald monk with forehead acne, and a samurai with a third eye — assemble to fight Freeza.
44. I gotta say, this chick with blue hair has a great rack.
45. Oh snap! Blue hair is a trashtalker!
46. The old man just got super buff!
47. Old man now has most rockin’ of all the cartoon bods. Old man is actually kind of a GILF.
48. The crowd goes wild. They are really into fighting.
49. The space cock is pretty spry.
50. Johnny Depp is slaying… His track suit!
51. Apparently Johnny Depp is Goku’s son.
52. This is a lot of fighting.
53. Freeza and Sherbet team up — sounds delicious.
54. Motley Crue share tic-tacs after battle. Again, RuPaul would be proud.
55. Oh no, only one tic-tac left!
56. Mr. Bigglesworth loves cheese. We have so much in common!
57. Fajita is a homophobe. Sorry, Ru.
58. Fact: Freeza does not like teddy bears.
59. Freeza takes off his clothes and Motley Crue seems super impressed.
60. Ugh, seriously? More fighting!
61. When these guys fight they light up and shoot through the sky. “Baby you’re a firework!”
62. Now I have a Katy Perry song stuck in my head.
63. Fajita needs some Rogaine. He has a serious receding hairline.
64. OK now we’ve reached the “I am not left-handed” part of the battle.
65. Goku powers up by levitating rocks and turning blue!
66. Oh shit! Freeza can levitate more rocks than Goku! This does not bode well for him.
67. Lots of eye close-ups and zoom-ins, signaling another fight…This does not bode well for me.
68. And more fighting…Is that ALL THIS IS!?!?!?
69. Goku looks like ice but Freeza looks like fire! Where’s the sense in that, Dragon Ball Z!?
70. Turnip and Bigglesworth have arrived. Fucking finally!
71. Not here to help, just here for ice cream. Sensible.
72. These guys should have their own show on The Food Network. I would TiVo the shit out of that.
73. Goku’s in trouble!
74. Who cares, show those guys eating more food.
75. Freeza is not happy to see Mr. Bigglesworth.
76. Don’t freak out Freeza, Bigglesworth is a feaster, not a fighter.
77. And…. more fighting.
78. And…. now underwater fighting.
79. Bigglesworth, you beautiful strawberry-stealing son of a bitch!
80. Still fighting — Goku’s winning.
81. Plot twist! Somebody shot Goku… It was Danny Devito!
82. Apparently guns can kill gods. Lame.
83. Fuck Goku, Bigglesworth is my hero!
84. It was just revealed that Fajita used to be a bad guy! (I have a feeling I’m the only one who didn’t know this)
85. Freeza verbally abuses women. This guy is super evil.
86. Like friends with Bill Cosby evil.
87. Goku is dying - Quick, somebody get him the last tic tac!!!
88. R.I.P. Danny Devito.
89. Fajita just blue himself and the crowd freaked the fuck out!
90. And, we’re fighting again :(
91. Freeza sucks the world into Hell. Is it hot in here?
92. Earth is gone. Sad.
93. Everyone is dead but Motley Crue, who is floating on a hunk of rock in space.
94. It’s not over yet! Gay blue turnip time lord is our only hope!
95. Rewind, Earth is back — Resurrected! Get it!?
96. Goku kills Freeza and an adult woman in front of me lifts her hands in praise. Again, literally.
97. Fajita is super pissed Goku got to save the day.
98. But what’s his damage? He got to kill Danny Devito. Way to see the glass half-empty, Fajita!
99. And it’s over. It really was mostly fighting.
100. Post-credits scene…We’re back at the Energizer Bunny picnic which is apparently Freeza’s hell. There’s a Playboy Bunny/Pixie here. Cool. The end.
In conclusion, Dragon Ball Z is mostly fighting and not really my thing. I didn't learn much but I did find my soulmate (Bigglesworth not Alex). In the end, it was all worthwhile, because when Alex asked me how to get the glue out of his hair I told him to just brush it out.
FREEZA AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ON ME!!!!!!!!
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