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There's A New "Fifty Shades Freed" Trailer And I Have An Endless Amount Of Questions

The tagline is literally "Don't miss the climax."

Look, the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise is endlessly problematic, but I simply cannot look away.

Universal Pictures

And if you clicked on this article just to talk about how much you hate it in the comments... thanks for the click, but know that you did this to yourself.

I've never read the books (I downloaded the first one, made it to the part about his voice sounding like "melted chocolate," stopped, then stared out a window for 30 minutes questioning everything), but I HAVE seen both of the movies because I...like movies in general? And this is a part of pop culture?

Allie Hayes

Here is an actual photo of my cat, Jyn, trying to save my Fiancé and I from watching the first film when we rented it. She is a very good cat who is trying her best.

Anyway, while we received a teaser back in September, today we got the first full-length look at Fifty Shades Freed, the third and final film in the series.

Universal Pictures

So buckle TF up, because I'm going to do my best to break it down for you with the information I remember.

It appears that Christian and Ana got married, which isn't really a shocker, since they got engaged at the end of the second film.

Universal Pictures

I am FR all messed up on this timeline, how long have they known each other?

And they do normal married people things like waking each other up, taking lavish vacations, and doing the classic white-man-in-Pop-Culture move of buying a house without consulting his new wife first.

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Looking at you, Jim from The Office and Luke from Gilmore Girls.

But then the architect who is designing their house (and who looks SCARILY like Ivanka Trump) starts hitting on Christian, and Ana is like LOL I didn't come this far for you and your middle part to hit on my man, sweetie.

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FUCK HER UP, ANA.

But that's not all, there's also car chases through beautiful wooded areas.

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And that floppy-haired jerk from the second one who straight-up assaulted Ana, and now appears to be out for revenge because that's what jerks do.

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Bro, just stop.

And, yes, there's also just enough sex in the trailer to make me physically uncomfortable at work, where I am writing this.

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Married people sex!

Overall, whether you are entertained by the books/films/fandom in the Fifty Shades series, you can choose to accept that some people ARE entertained by it, and it's okay for people to be entertained by a thing.

Universal Pictures

So cancel your Valentine's Day plans (if you made some this early), and catch Fifty Shades Freed in theaters Feb. 9, 2018!

Universal Pictures

Or don't...Do you, Boo!

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