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A Non-Hockey Fan's Survival Guide To The Stanley Cup Playoffs In Canada

Pucker up, it's gonna be a long one.

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It's that time of year again: The Stanley Cup Playoffs are officially here.

If you're a hockey fan, it's a magical time when dudes in expensive equipment duke it out for a giant metal cup.

And other dudes on the sidelines going crazy cheering for the favourite teams.

...Then there's that rare breed of Canadian: The ones who don't like hockey all-that-much.

These people actually exist. They even walk among us.
limegreensquid.deviantart.com

These people actually exist. They even walk among us.

Admitting you don't love the game is like renouncing your national identity.

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We can't even remember when it came to this.

A very proud part of your national identity.

So it can be hard — especially during the playoffs — not to be a hockey fan. So how does one survive these last four-to-seven games?

Twitter: @WorldofIsaac

...amid a nation of fanatics?

1. The obvious solution is to just suck it up for the sake of hanging with your buddies.

But if one more person draws you a diagram to explain "icing," you might just burn it.
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But if one more person draws you a diagram to explain "icing," you might just burn it.

2. Then there's the "fake it 'til you make it" option. For example, take a selfie in a borrowed jersey, which you'll post before going into hibernation.

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See ya in two weeks.

3. If your significant other really wants you to watch the game with them, make a deal that you're doing something you wanna do afterwards. Make sure they hate it just as much as you're starting to hate hockey.

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It's about leverage and negotiation.

4. Incorporate animals into any kind of hockey conversation you're brought into, just to deflect from the actual game itself.

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Nobody hates puppies, so this is a win-win.

5. It's also important to try and ignore all of the stupid statuses that pop up during this time.

What do you call girls who hate hockey? Single

6. Start tracking the playoff beards like it's your own private sport. Hey, at least it'll give you a backup conversation filler with a hockey-loving friend.

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Seriously not even Movember gets this scruffy.

7. Up the ante on the game by betting on what colour Don Cherry will sport next.

#Pinko

8. Of course you can always just use playoffs as an excuse to drink.

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"I would LOVE to come over to your house and watch the game. And drink."

9. Or, go full out and get shwasted. You'll probably forget you were ever a part of it in the morning anyhow.

10. You could always organize your own playoff series with a much more active sport, like table hockey.

11. Bring your laptop to the bar to secretly read while the big game is on.

If anyone asks, you're checking your playoff pool stats. But you can't jinx them by talking about it.
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If anyone asks, you're checking your playoff pool stats. But you can't jinx them by talking about it.

12. Definitely distract yourself with food.

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This is a given.

13. All. The. Food.

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Bar + chicken wings = happy (and tolerable) times.

14. You could create your own anti-playoffs support group. Remember: Solidarity in numbers.

15. As a last resort, take those vacation days you've been thinking about.

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We hear Lithuania and Estonia are hockey free this time of the year.

16. And when all else fails, circle back to No. 1: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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It's only two more weeks until the glorious, glorious offseason anyhow, and you'll be drunk the entire time!

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