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    The Five Stages Of Writing A Wedding Toast

    It being "wedding season," it's going to happen to you. Eventually, your best friend will leave you for that rando she’s decided to stick with till death do them part. And the worst part is that you are required, by societal norms, to be thrilled. She’s in love! You’re alone! And here’s the kicker: you get to celebrate their special day by giving the Maid of Honor speech. What a nightmare. But turning down the opportunity to stand up in front of everyone and impress them with your wit and sensitivity would be worse than the bridesmaid dress she's making you wear.

    1. Stage One: Vent

    Woe is me. / Via

    Tell literally everyone you come in contact with that your (former) best friend has asked you to give a toast at her wedding, surrounded by her high school friends who hate you, her husband's cousin who you fell in love with a couple years ago, and a bunch of strangers. Make sure the people you are complaining at understand you are the unluckiest person in the world. Your barista cares. And maybe if you get out all that ill will before the wedding you might end up enjoying yourself at the blessed event.

    2. Stage Two: Vengeance

    Oh this is a good one. / Via

    Open a note on your phone primarily for the purpose of writing down the snarky comments that come to mind late at night when you're lying awake dreading the moment of the toast. Write down memories you had with this person before she was corrupted and changed by "love." Tell that story she made you promise you'd never tell her fiance. Mention by name that guy she kissed. Also throw in that she has openly hated his extended family for years. #truther

    3. Stage Three: Steal

    Take it from Chuck Bass / Via

    Now that you're down to the wire, it's time to do a Google search of wedding toasts in TV and movies. Take it from me: everyone wants to hear a toast like Anna Kendrick's Jessica gives in "Twilight." Make it all about you. Chuck Bass has a moving speech that's actually not for the bride and groom at all. The great thing is that weddings are sappy and predictable so you can lift entire lines and phrases from these cinematic wedding toasts and nobody will blink an eye. "Dark Angel" has a great one. That's an early 2000's classic that nobody even knows. Hell, just give his speech.

    4. Stage Four: Regret

    Hurry, fix it! / Via

    Now that you've sufficiently shown your evil side, and you're sitting in the hotel just hours from the rehearsal dinner, you start feeling pangs of regret. This IS your best friend, after all. Start scribbling napkin re-writes and ditch the pretty printed card you intended to read from. This should be from the heart! It's a wedding!

    5. Stage Five: Become A Cliche

    I love you after all. / Via

    Right as you get up to give your speech, you feel it. That horrific lump in your throat that means you might cry any second. But the beauty of the venue and your stupid best friend looking so happy has gotten to you. You're the sidekick in a romantic comedy and this is your only moment. Crying daintily through your whole toast is a cliche, but it's the only option.

    6. Bonus Stage Six: Victory

    "Look at her go!" / Via

    Your months of preparation and moment of emotion pay off. Everyone adores you.

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