21 First-Time Horror Stories That'll Make You Never Want To Have Sex
Because you can't miss your mom's call.
1. This savage AF mom:
I lost my virginity watching Dodgeball. Afterwards, I put the condom packet in my pocket. I forgot about it and a couple of days later I came home and the condom packet was on my pillow. I had put my jeans in the laundry basket and my mom fished the wrapper out. She left it on my pillow so I knew she knew. And she knew I knew she knew.
2. The one-stop shop:
The only awkward thing about my first time was that it was in his truck behind a Walmart...I'm pretty sure that there were some homeless people watching.
3. The one you immediately regret...
After my first time, he got mad because I didn't bleed. He believed that old wives' tale that virgins bled after their first time — the girl he had lost his virginity to did (I just think she was on the rag). We didn't have sex for another two months after that because he was so upset. Needless to say that relationship ended fast.
4. Oh, just don't mind the dead animal right there...
We were on his farm, in the bed of a pickup truck. Normal for a small town. There was also a dead raccoon in the back of the pickup.
5. Throwing knives and a retainer...what more do you need?
He stopped in the middle of terrible foreplay, left me in the bed naked, went to answer the door (in jeans), and came back to the bedroom with a package. What was in the package? "Throwing knives!" he said. He opened the package as I was lying there. Eventually we got around to it. And to add insult to injury his retainer got stuck in my hair. Not to mention he sang "I just had sex" afterwards then told all my friends when we met up later.
6. The golden shower:
My first time got interrupted by someone receiving an unwanted golden shower a room over.
7. Sometimes you just gotta talk about God after:
His super religious grandma got home early, walked in, and started screaming at both of us. She yelled at us about how we were going to hell and made us talk about God afterward. It was, in a word, awful.
8. Kind of surprised this hasn't been on an episode of Grey's Anatomy:
We were in such a hurry to do it that we skipped foreplay and went for the big bang. Next thing I know I started bleeding... After two hours of continuous bleeding and passing blood clots I called my mom. My mom ended up taking me to the emergency room where we found out due to lack of "moisture" the lining of my vagina ripped and I ended up getting stitches. Traumatic.
9. Grandmas know, even when they're not around:
After I got home my mother got mad and accused me of having sex hair. (I was 16 at the time.) I of course said she was crazy and I didn't do anything. Then she says to me, "Remember your grandmother can see EVERYTHING you do now"... My grandma passed away a month prior to this.
10. Sometimes they just gotta take the call:
We finally start going at it and getting in a groove, then his mom calls, and HE ANSWERS WHILE INSIDE ME. I was mortified and made him leave immediately. Don't regret it though lol.
My first time was when I was 17. Apparently he went and cried about it to his mom, who then proceeded to call my mother and tell her and then sent him off to confess his sins at church. Then our parents forced us to go to Planned Parenthood together and get me Plan B, and as soon as he dropped me off at home my parents grounded me.
12. Just in case you didn't know...pee after:
The sex was so bad because he had no idea where the clitoris was and I didn't know you were supposed to pee after sex and I got a really bad UTI.
13. The sticky bandit:
I ran to the bathroom to fake throw up (with sound effects). When I returned to the room to tell the guy I was too sick to continue, I discover he has taken off...but not before stealing my wallet, phone, and earrings. Fun times!
14. The time sex saved:
I threw up right after because it hurt so bad. Turns out I had endometriosis and eventually got surgery. Talk about a traumatizing first time though!
15. "What are you waiting for?"
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN ME! He started breathing heavier, and all I felt was pressure. I looked at him and asked him, "Um, what are you waiting for?" He looked down at me very surprised and retorted, "What are you talking about?" I looked down and was like, "Oh..."
16. Sometimes you can't help but to *cringe* right after:
My first time he asked me to call him "daddy" I wasn't into it. Afterwards when he was getting dressed I noticed he was wearing a World of Warcraft T-shirt under his hoodie. I wasn't into that either.
17. The time they actually got away with it:
My grandmother was in the room next door, we had the live-action Scooby-Doo movie in the background, and my dog kept trying to hump his leg. After the deed was done, my grandma came out and asked what time it was. She was asleep through the entire process.
18. Madea's first time:
It was to one of Tyler Perry's Madea movies.
19. The drop of sweat:
During the act, a drop of his sweat dripped on my forehead and he kept bumping my head into the headboard. Looked at the clock when it was over. Most awkward seven minutes of my life.
20. That's one way to make an impression on your future mother-in-law:
Technically this wasn't my "first time" but my first time with my husband. We were 16 and 17, and on the bottom bunk in his room; everyone was home (siblings, mom and dad) — romantic, I know... His MOM and DAD BOTH come in and tell me to get OUT...11 years later we have a great relationship and laugh about it.
21. The time in the "smush" room:
The guy pulled the sheet over us and said, "I feel like I'm on Jersey Shore."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.