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72 Thoughts I Had While Watching Taylor Swift's 1989 World Tour Live

"Maybe I'll just eat carbs and nothing else for the next couple of months. I don't have to wear any crop tops." -Taylor Swift

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1. There's so many lights. I'm already overwhelmed.

2. She's performing for 70 thousand people, shit that's a lot.

3. I once threw up in my mouth giving a speech to 30 people in high school.

4. Here she comes.

5. Damn, she's cool. Not many people can pull off sunglasses inside.

6. She has more cool in one of her strands of cream of wheat hair then I do in my whole body.

7. My god, who does her eyeliner? Michaelangelo?

8. There is so much tasteful midriff going on.

9. I'm pretty sure TSwift single handedly brought back the bright red lip.

10. She has fully strutted down the catwalk 12 times already, the show's barely begun.

11. Her feet must be busted every night. The last time I wore heels for more than two hours I needed to take seven Ibuprofen.

12. Boys only want love if it's torture.

13. Don't say, she didn't say, she didn't warn you.

14. Her facial expressions range from flirty bunny to avenging the murder of her cat.

15. Selena Gomez is hot af.

16. I'm sure she has no problem looking "good" for anyone.

17. How is Ryan Gosling not on this "special guest list?"

18. I would invite every celebrity.

19. "Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Tom Hanks."

20. God I love Tom Hanks.

21. Strut count: 19

22. I don't know what song this is but I will likely play it 17 more times before the day is over.

23. You know you're famous when you can just text Mick Jagger and be like "Hey, are you busy later?" and he's like, "Nah."

24. Steven Tyler!! I just cried an Armageddon tear.

25. Ricky Martin too??? It's like being punched by 1999.

26. This is too overwhelming.

27. And now TSwift is just rolling around on the ground while singing. The crowds eating it up. When I do that, my mom takes away my wine.

28. Strut count: 31

29. She has hugged Wiz Kahlifa so many times.

30. I think TSwift low key wants to have Wiz's baby.

31. What would their celebrity couple name be? Waylor or Tiz?

32. Tiz for sure.

33. I completely forgot she can play guitar.

34. She's very cavalier as the catwalk flies up above the crowd.

35. She's just strumming away.

36. I'd be in the fetal position holding onto the railing.

37. Holy shit now she's strutting around on said elevated, moving catwalk.

38. Meanwhile I get nervous every time I have to take that awkward step from escalator to floor.

39. She has a lot of Victoria's Secret friends.

40. How many models can be on stage before it's considered a fashion show?

41. Serena Williams?! Who wasn't at this tour??

42. APPARENTLY NOBODY because now there's MATT LeBLANC and MARISKA HARGITAY. Detective Olivia Benson is on stage in person. I died. I'm dead.

43. I'm more than halfway through and I still can't get over that TSwift can change the color of the crowd. Forget the moving catwalk, I wanna be the guy turning the audience green.

44. Strut count: 39

45. She's got legs for dayssss.

46. All we needed was one of TSwifts legs to retrieve Matt Damon from Mars. Would've saved NASA all sorts of money.

47. Her dancers have Heely's on.

48. She should have Heely's on too. I feel like that was a missed opportunity.

49. Each of her shoes probably costs more than my rent.

50. Seriously?? Even her microphones have costume changes.

51. Strut count: 43

52. She's gonna have neck issues if she keeps flinging her head around like that.

53. Plot twist! Her dress is actually a gold sequin bodysuit.

54. A little disappointed about the absence of lions and Scott Eastwoods during "Wildest Dreams."

55. "Justin Timberlake is here!!!"...I'm not even surprised anymore.

56. Strut count is coincidentally also 56.

57. Homegirl looks good in cobalt blue

58. The only thing that is keeping me from feeling completely worthless during this whole show is the fact that Taylor Swift and I have the exact same dancing abilities.

59. Another elevated catwalk dance party.

60. Anddd now it's spinning.

61. I wonder who handles insurance claims for world tours.

62. Nationwide is not on your side, TSwift. This is some risky shit.

63. I think it's over.

64. Yep, here comes the confetti.

65. That's a lot.

66. Who has to clean all that shit up?

67. If I worked at the stadium I'd be like,

68. Final strut count: 63

69. So. Many. Lights.

70. This show is not for the faint of heart, or the epileptic.

71. I think I just became a serious TSwift fan.

72. Taylor Swift is an amazonian musical strut monster.

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