1. Require zero foreplay to get things going and have an orgasm, like, instantly. 20th Century Fox In real life, kissing for 45 seconds is fun and all, but it usually takes a littttttle more than that, ya know? 2. And then have instantaneous penetrative sex without lube. Columbia Pictures I'm not sure when the saliva-as-lube thing became "sexy," but lube would be a heck of a lot easier and you don't have to worry about bacteria and viral particles — lube is your friend! 3. Moan for the ENTIRE time — from the second their partner touches them. 20th Century Fox No one's partner is actually a superhero/sex-god who can make you orgasm just by touching your knee. 4. Have on cute, matching, and (probably) very expensive lingerie...just so they can look like a "gift" for some dude. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Paramount Pictures We can actually look really sexy in things other than frilly lingerie...and, heck, even nothing at all. 5. Wear a bra before, during, AND after sex. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Universal Pictures No one likes wearing a bra during the work day when you "HAVE" to wear one, so why would they choose to wear one during intercourse??? #FreeTheNipple 6. And, if they do remove their bra, there is always a magical sheet that covers their boobs, while the dude’s chest is fully exposed? Screen Gems Again with the nipple discrimination. FREE. THE. NIP. 7. Then that same bedsheet magically becomes the perfect dress while they walk away from bed. Warner Bros. Pictures Because god forbid we walk around naked. 8. Have an orgasm “by accident” in a restaurant/park/somewhere in public where she just “doesn’t have control over it.” 20th Century Fox Why is it ~so funny~ to laugh at a woman having an orgasm in a place she didn't intend to? Sounds like an awkward-AF nightmare to me. 9. Never pee right after sex to help avoid a UTI. 20th Century Fox Peeing after sex helps cleanse your urethra from harmful bacteria post-intercourse...which, I don't know, seems a little more important than an existential conversation? 10. Have perfect shower sex where no one awkwardly slips… Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Universal Pictures Anyone who's actually tried having shower sex knows that it's QUITE awkward. 11. ...or bangs their elbow into the shower door/wall/etc. Columbia Pictures Showers are small and slippery, which are two descriptive terms that don't belong in sex talk, TBH. 12. Stand there like mannequins and, in just one hand motion, their dress/slip/nightgown DROPS to the floor. Paramount Pictures It doesn't count unless you get your hair caught in your clothes while trying to take them off, or you somehow accidentally strangle yourself with your own undergarments. 13. Wear the other person’s shit in the morning, which always conveniently fits perfectly. Disney In reality, not everyone has the same shape/size body, so shouldn't these things look more like they WEREN'T tailor-made for them? 14. And/or always wear a man’s button-down dress shirt. Paramount Pictures Does every man just have a button-down shirt on his floor for this exact situation? Didn't you JUST wear that all day at your nondescript office job? 15. Do a sexy, highly choreographed, striptease. 20th Century Fox Sexy stripteases can be fun, but not everyone is that graceful or talented. Also, why is it always the lady stripping for their partner?! 16. Orgasm in slow motion, looking more like they’re in a shampoo commercial. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Warner Bros. The better the orgasm, the less cute you look, these are just the facts. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. 17. Have their legs WAY UP in the air, like a flying “V.” MGM Are all women low-key gymnasts? I think not. 18. And, finally, they never make one embarrassing sound. No queefing, no farting, no hilarious slapping noises. NOTHING. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF NBC In reality, sex is PRETTY noisy and, yeah, sometimes those noises aren't expected, but who cares?! It happens.