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    Updated on Jun 4, 2019. Posted on Jun 3, 2019

    "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark" Has A New Trailer And Holy Heck, It's Spooky

    Why do humans in horror films insist on reading aloud from creepy books? In this essay I will explore...

    You know it's going to be an EXCELLENT week when you start off on Monday with a brand spankin' new trailer for the film adaptation of Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark:

    View this video on YouTube

    CBS Films / Via youtube.com

    Heck yes, thank you, horror gods!

    This new full-length look at the film is AMAZING, and shows us a little more of each short story we can expect to see — including Harold the scarecrow, who looks juicy as ever:

    CBS Films

    The big toe-missing corpse who, despite missing a phalange, maintains exquisite balance:

    CBS Films

    The Pale Lady in all her pale and lady-like glory:

    CBS Films

    And the Jangly Man who, yeah, what the actual heck??? Sir, I'm not interested in whatever NIGHTMARES you're selling:

    CBS Films

    But the real thing this trailer highlights is our adorable main characters, and the fact that these kids have never seen a horror film in their lives because HOLY HECK there are certainly some CHOICES made here.

    CBS Films

    Like, why are you beating up this very creepy-looking scarecrow? Who hurt you? Why are you like this?

    CBS Films

    Why are you breaking into a boarded-up house? What's going on here? Go back to your homes.

    CBS Films

    STOP. READING. OUT. LOUD. FROM. A. RANDOM. BOOK. YOU. FOUND. HIDDEN. AWAY. IN. A. DEAD. PERSON'S. HOME.

    CBS Films

    The. Necronomicon. Is. QUAKING.

    Why are you just SITTING IN A PILE OF YOUR FACE SPIDERS?! OH MY GOD, RUN AWAY, PLEASE.

    CBS Films

    This movie could honestly be retitled A Sequence Of Wrong Decisions Made By Children: Where Are Your Parents? and I'd be like yeah, that checks out.

    CBS Films

    Which, to be fair, where were MY parents when I was reading these books as an infant???

    So yeah, there you have it! Be sure to catch Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when it finally hits theaters August 9, 2019 so that I don't have to scream at the screen alone.

    CBS Films

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