1.
nobody: Italic letters:
2.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
3.
Me when I’m on the phone to my friend Colin and the receptions bad:
4.
me: i’m being haunted by the movie grease therapist: tell me more me: *screams*
5.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I'd pick the dead guy. Then I'd order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He's dead
6.
the boos in luigi’s mansion 👻
7.
Me: Last name Ever, First name Greatest Starbucks barista: I’m not writing that.
8.
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
9.
My annoying ass being annoying then getting shocked when someone actually gets annoyed.
10.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
11.
priest: it be like that sometimes congregation: and sometimes like that it be
12.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery
13.
![PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1190153151711784961/OGI009AM_normal.jpg)
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife? THE MACHINE: I do PRIEST: Does anyone have anything- RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
14.
Date: I love car chase action scenes Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here
15.
*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch
16.
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
17.
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
18.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
19.
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
20.
"You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it."
21.
friend: i’m hungover me: stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. over
22.
if i die and come back as a hillbilly is that called reintarnation
23.
Wooooaaah... We're half way there, Wooooaa-oaaah...
24.
![[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1155924474539020288/YmaYXpuz_normal.jpg)
[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
25.
Me: can I have a turn in the hedge now Hedgehog: no
26.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of
27.
date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names
