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    Updated on Dec 7, 2019. Posted on Nov 27, 2019

    23 Tweets You Can Laugh At Without Waking A Baby Up Because You Don't Have One

    Baby??? I don't know her...

    1. This quick obsession:

    people have one baby and revolve their whole life around it. you’ve known that thing for like a month grow up

    2. This accurate depiction:

    When people ask if I want to hold their baby

    3. This ridiculous rule:

    kind of mad that I’m not allowed a dog or a cat in my flat but I can presumably move a baby in any time I want

    4. This expensive trade-off:

    Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT! Also family: Have a baby :)

    5. This family-size snack:

    Every bag of Doritos is family size when you're single and childless.

    6. This important spending reminder:

    We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

    7. This change of title:

    Maybe instead of calling women without children "Childless" we should call them "Well-rested"

    8. This baby(?):

    HER: Do you want to have kids? ME: No HER: Why not? ME: I couldn't take all the crying HER: They don't cry all the time ME: No, I meant me

    9. This A+ pun:

    don’t call it ‘not having children’ just tell people you aren’t kidding yourself

    10. This equally important task:

    People say " You're 40 now. You should be settling down and having kids. " Well I'm busy at the moment making sure my dogs taco costume is ready for Halloween.

    11. This excellent tardy excuse:

    Hey sorry I'm late, I had to hold my cat like a baby.

    12. This perfect reaction:

    *someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*

    13. This courtroom drama:

    [couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

    14. This exceptionally baby baby:

    Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby

    15. This free birth control:

    There is no better birth control than the sound of a child screaming.

    16. This art:

    i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

    17. This impressive feat:

    Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.

    18. This cryptic warning:

    When a friend introduces me to their baby, I somberly shake their little hand and say: "good luck out there"

    19. This desire for more:

    I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

    20. This making issue:

    People my age are making babies and I can't even make a salad

    21. This very scientific question:

    [meeting friend's new baby] ME: awww—how long until it builds a coccoon HER: a what? ME: oh sorry, chrysalis

    22. This aggressive inquiry:

    does it even matter if babies get switched at the hospital like who cares

    23. And finally, this memorable response:

    "Jenni!! Married yet? When are you having kids"?? "When I can get pregnant by swallowing". *never invited to family dinner again* WIN.

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