23 Tweets You Can Laugh At Without Waking A Baby Up Because You Don't Have One
Baby??? I don't know her...
1. This quick obsession:
people have one baby and revolve their whole life around it. you’ve known that thing for like a month grow up
2. This accurate depiction:
When people ask if I want to hold their baby
3. This ridiculous rule:
kind of mad that I’m not allowed a dog or a cat in my flat but I can presumably move a baby in any time I want
4. This expensive trade-off:
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT! Also family: Have a baby :)
5. This family-size snack:
Every bag of Doritos is family size when you're single and childless.
6. This important spending reminder:
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
7. This change of title:
Maybe instead of calling women without children "Childless" we should call them "Well-rested"
8. This baby(?):
HER: Do you want to have kids? ME: No HER: Why not? ME: I couldn't take all the crying HER: They don't cry all the time ME: No, I meant me
9. This A+ pun:
don’t call it ‘not having children’ just tell people you aren’t kidding yourself
10. This equally important task:
People say " You're 40 now. You should be settling down and having kids. " Well I'm busy at the moment making sure my dogs taco costume is ready for Halloween.
11. This excellent tardy excuse:
Hey sorry I'm late, I had to hold my cat like a baby.
12. This perfect reaction:
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
13. This courtroom drama:
![[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/584013178960384000/s2z39CTQ_normal.jpg)
[couple tossing baby back and forth] [music stops] judge: custody granted dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
14. This exceptionally baby baby:
Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby
15. This free birth control:
There is no better birth control than the sound of a child screaming.
16. This art:
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
17. This impressive feat:
Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.
18. This cryptic warning:
When a friend introduces me to their baby, I somberly shake their little hand and say: "good luck out there"
19. This desire for more:
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
20. This making issue:
People my age are making babies and I can't even make a salad
21. This very scientific question:
![[meeting friend's new baby]
ME: awww—how long until it builds a coccoon
HER: a what?
ME: oh sorry, chrysalis](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/889957765417803776/7p1Vm3_R_normal.jpg)
[meeting friend's new baby] ME: awww—how long until it builds a coccoon HER: a what? ME: oh sorry, chrysalis
22. This aggressive inquiry:
does it even matter if babies get switched at the hospital like who cares
23. And finally, this memorable response:
"Jenni!! Married yet? When are you having kids"?? "When I can get pregnant by swallowing". *never invited to family dinner again* WIN.