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These Movies Coming In September 2017 Look So Good I Might As Well Move Into A Theater

Because September is (unofficial) Halloween foreplay month.

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1. IT coming Sept. 8th, 2017

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Warner Bros.

Who doesn't like clowns (except literally everyone)? IT, based on the novel by original nightmare-maker ~daddy~ Stephen King, follows a group of young friends being terrified by a fucking clown. IT mixes two great horror staples: clowns and children, and this reboot(?) looks genuinely awesome, but like, bring a friend because I'm not trying to have you walk home alone afterwards.

2. Home Again coming Sept. 8th, 2017

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Open Road Films

Once you're done checking all of the dark rooms in your house for the fucking clown from IT, you can calm your nerves with brightly-lit Rom-Com Home Again, which comes out the same weekend. Reese Witherspoon stars as a middle-aged single mother who allows three young men (one of whom it appears she ~consummates with~) move into her house, where she learns about what it means to age and be yourself. Overall, this light-hearted option is a welcome breather from the other films to come.

3. American Assassin coming Sept. 15th, 2017

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CBS Films

This year it seems like everyone loves a good revenge saga (lookin' at you, T-Swift), and American Assassin is as classic a tale as they come. Reeling from the tragic loss of his parents and Fiancé, Mitch Rapp is enlisted as a Black Ops recruit. Seeking revenge for the terrorist attack that caused his loss, Rapp teams up with Cold War veteran Stan Hurley (played by the incomparable Birdman himself, Michael Keaton) to investigate a spike in military attacks. This one's sure to be an adrenaline shot to the chest, and also Michael Keaton is in it, end of story.

4. Mother! coming Sept. 15th, 2017

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Paramount Pictures

In Mother!, Jennifer Lawrence is running a bed-and-breakfast in Hell. From director Darren Aronofsky, the man who brought us Black Swan, Mother! is an introvert's nightmare. All because JLaw's hubby in the film, Javier Bardem, just starts randomly letting various old weird people stay in their home. No thank you.

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5. Battle of the Sexes coming Sept. 22nd, 2017

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Fox Searchlight

Steve Carell's Bobby Griggs promises to "put the 'show' back in 'chauvinism'" in Battle of the Sexes. Based on a real thing that actually happened, tennis superstar and feminist icon Billie Jean King is coaxed into the "tennis match of the century" against Bobby Griggs. Griggs, having been out of the game for years, is looking for a way back into the spotlight and challenges King to what he feels is the ultimate tennis match: oldish man who wants attention vs woman who is good at a thing he likes and thus he is upset about it. But FR I love both of these actors.

6. Kingsman: The Golden Circle coming Sept. 22nd, 2017

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20th Century Fox

Kingsman: The Golden Circle or as I know it, "I Must Have Done Something Good In This Life To Deserve More Shots of Taron Ergon's Jawline" looks just straight-up cool AF. Back at it again with the savin' the world, the Kingsman headquarters has been destroyed, forcing them to journey to the US to team up with their allied American spies, The Statesman, to defeat their common enemy. If you haven't seen the first film in the franchise but love action and also incredibly attractive people, I cannot recommend it highly enough, so go do that first.

7. The LEGO Ninjago Movie coming Sept. 22nd, 2017

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Warner Bros.

Drama, action, betrayal, and family drama?! No I'm not describing Game of Thrones, but the newest entry into the weirdly-hilarious-and-original-AF LEGO movie franchise, The LEGO Ninjago Movie. The basic deal here is that a team of young LEGO ninjas must defend their home, Ninjago, from a dreaded evil, who also happens to be the lead ninja's dad. SUSPENSE.

8. American Made coming Sept. 29th, 2017

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Universal Pictures

Another movie based on some shit that actually went down, we have American Made. Tom Cruise is back and this time he's got a Southern(?) accent portraying pilot-turned-drug-runner, Barry Seal. Seal (who I definitely did not just look up on Wikipedia 30 seconds before writing this because I know nothing) quickly went from cocaine-flying guy to CIA-informant guy to involved-in-a-Reagan-era-sting-operation guy in the 80's. The movie's trailer plays a little like The Wolf of Wall Street with planes, and I'm pretty here for it.

9. Flatliners coming Sept. 29th, 2017

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Sony Pictures

Sure, we're all curious about what may or may not happen after we *pass on*, but is anyone curious enough to willingly die and come back to tell the tale? Apparently, yes. Enter Flatliners, the reboot of a '90s thriller centering around a group of young medical students quite literally flirting with death. They each agree to stop their hearts for minutes at a time in an attempt to experience a literal near-death experience, only to be brought back by their counterparts. However, as the trailer would suggest, you don't get to just die and come back without paying a price. A perfect nugget to end the month on and prepare for all that sleeping-with-the-lights-on October goodness.

CORRECTION

Bobby RIGGS is the correct spelling for the Battle of the Sexes competitor, not Bobby GRIGGS, as pointed out by a very helpful commenter! Look, I tried to warn you guys earlier in the post that I know nothing...

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