This Spider-Catcher Is So Fucking Mesmerizing To Watch

Now you see it. Now you don't.

People, THIS is the "My Critter Catcher":

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It's an "As Seen On TV" product. It's $16.95. It's pure fucking magic.

I'll set the scene: You're watching TV or maybe you're washing a lone pan or you're folding socks into little bundles and then ... BAM ... spider ... 3 o'clock ... spasming its way right over to your personal space (let's face it: it's 3 feet away — BUT STILL). And that's when you reach for the CRITTER CATCHER.

NOW LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY IT'S A GIFT FROM THE GODS IN ALL CAPS...

IT USES ITS SPINDLY ARMS TO GENTLY HUG THE SPIDER AND REMOVE IT FROM YOUR FURNITURE CATALOG.

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SHAZAM.

LOOK AT THAT COMFORTING EMBRACE.

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IT'S AN EMBRACE THAT SAYS: YOU JUST NARROWLY ESCAPED DEATH AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HANG OUT INSIDE SOME COMPACTED TOOTHBRUSH BRISTLES FOR A SEC.

AND THEN YOU CARRY THE SPIDER OUTSIDE AND RELEASE IT INTO THE WILD.

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GO FREE, LITTLE BRIAN!

AGAIN, PEOPLE: LOOK AT THAT CONTRACTING BRISTLE ACTION JUST COMING OUT OF THE DAMN SKY.

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THAT SPIDER PROBS THINKS HE'S BEEN TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.

AND THEN HE GETS TRANSPLANTED INTO THE LAND OF HIS DREAMS.

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AND I HAVE TO PAY $600 TO BE SHOVED INTO A METAL TUBE AND LAUNCHED THROUGH THE SKY?????

OH LOOK, GUYS, BRIAN'S BACK!

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BRIAN: "SUP."

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BYE BYE, BRIAN.

AND YOU CAN USE THE CRITTER CATCHER ON ALL KINDS OF SURFACES LIKE CARPET...

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BOOP.

AND KEYBOARDS (AKA AN ARACHNID VERSION OF LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE OBSTACLE COURSE).

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THANK YOU, OLMEC.

GUYS, IT EVEN WORKS WITH BEES.

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WHO IN THE HOLY HELL MADE THIS THING?

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