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We Read The Political Erotic Fan Fiction That Absolutley No One Asked For

There's never been a more exciting time...

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The tale begins in Question Time with Malcolm Turnbull answering a question about the NBN, which must have been pretty good because "the crowd burst into laughter".

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

Turnbull is mocking Shorten, "Little Bill here likes to sleep and spend, sleep and spend. Until one day he woke up, to discover that there was no money left".

From the get-go Turnbull is set up as the older experienced "daddy", and Shorten the young bumbling apprentice.

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Shorten is left red-faced and humiliated. He doesn't like Turnbull's smug smirking (but is mesmerised by his blue eyes). So he concocts a plan to get back at him, and confront Turnbull after #qt.

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

They exchange innuendo-laced words.

"Are you saying that you want me to go easy on you?" Turnbull asks Shorten.

They quickly realise they have been locked inside the chamber, alone. A completely implausible, if not tantalising premise.

"Turnbull's hand reached for the handle, clasped and then pulled. But to his surprise, the door did not budge."

Bill Shorten starts getting thirsty.

Getty Images / Brook Mitchell

He punches Turnbull, then handcuffs him to the door of the House of Reps.

"Are you trying to punish me? Oh, Billy-boy. You know that this is no way to get back at an old man."

Then Daddy Turnbull says this:

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

There's a lot of shoulder and chest touching. Shorten flinches at first, but then starts getting into it.

"Come closer. I want to negotiate with you better," Turnbull says.

"N-negotiate?" Shorten stammered "With me?"

They have this weird exchange about homosexuality...

Turnbull: "Are you, by any chance…a homosexual, Bill?"

Shorten: "What? No. I am happily married. With a woman."

Turnbull: "So…you are homophobic? That is rather unusual coming from someone who preaches for equal rights for everyone…is it not? Do not lie to me, Bill. Lie to the Australian people all you want. Lie to the Liberals all you want. But don't lie to me, never lie to me. I can see right through you."

It's business time.

Getty Images / Brook Mitchell

"Instinctively, Shorten found his hands on the man's shoulders and soon in his hair, tugging it furiously as he clumsily reciprocated."

The handcuffs come off. Next stop - nude city.

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Naked Malcolm Turnbull is not shy.

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

Shorten is a bit body con in the buff; Turnbull is 100% not.

"'I apologise that you cannot see me in my prime…' Turnbull said with a cheeky smile, already noticing Shorten's hardened member 'I do hope that this will do.'

"Shorten could not hide his feelings any longer 'You look….you look perfect..' He breathed, but at that, Turnbull had silenced him with a kiss, one that seemed to go on for an eternity. He could feel the other man's body heat against him, and could not bring himself to pull away, for it would bring this all to an end. But then, he felt the kiss grow rougher, as Turnbull seized his wrists tightly."

Then somehow, during all this heavy petting, Turnbull cuffs Shorten to the door.

"He slowly brushed his fingertips through his hair, gazing into Shorten's angry eyes "But do not worry. I will go gentle on you…I promise."

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

Turnbull grabs his blue tie, and blindfolds Shorten.

They have this topical exchange before getting it on.

Turnbull: "You actually look better with a blue tie. Might have to join the Liberal Party instead."

Shorten: "I will not join your party in a million years."

Shorten seems angry but then gets over it because, "there was a certain thrill about having one's eyes covered before participating in something quite unlike anything he had done before and he could almost hear his heart beating in his ears".

Both Shorten and Turnbull had keys all along, they were never locked in! They just both wanted to consummate their love.

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Turnbull tells Shorten he loves him.

"I am in love with you. I have been in love with you for a while now. So I stayed back when you did, hoping that we could discuss this together like adults…and I guess…I guess we did a little bit more than that, didn't we?"

But they decide to part ways and never mention it again.

As Turnbull is walking off into the distance, Shorten whispers "…I love you too".

The next morning, Turnbull is refreshed and unusually content. "The other ministers wondered why he had such a spring in his step, or why the smile on his face was so prominent." Shorten isn't so lucky.

Getty Images / Stefan Postles

Turnbull: "I see you are in pain, Billy-boy."

Shorten: "Go away."

But then Turnbull gives Shorten a tube of ointment to "ease him from his own discomfort".

It ends with this killer line: "Turnbull cared. And most of all, he loved him, just as much as Shorten loved him. Debating with him now was only going to get more complicated..."

Alice Workman is a political reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in Canberra.

Contact Alice Workman at alice.workman@buzzfeed.com.

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