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Members Of The Jury, These 40 Hilarious Tweets Will PROVE That Women Are The Funniest People On Earth

"As an adult I expected more buying whatever I wanted and less of my feet hurting."

FACT: Women are hilarious. Need proof? Presenting exhibits 1-40, the funniest tweets by women this week.

"If there's two things I know, it's 1. women, and 2. how hilarious they are."

Make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!

1.

“so i did a thing…” - millennial admitting to a majorly violent crime

Twitter: @uhhmmily

2.

Just paid a bill. I really can’t keep doing this shіt

Twitter: @kirawontmiss

3.

cut my jeans into pieces they're now a pair of jorts

Twitter: @meg_it_happen

4.

Damn Attenborough looks busted as hell

Twitter: @BrotiGupta

5.

Whispering “yes chef” to myself as I lovingly place my Amy’s 3 Cheese & Kale bake into the microwave for four minutes

Twitter: @LaurenZmirich

6.

Me: “my acid reflux is killing me!” Also me: *eats horizontally*

Twitter: @va_dickens

7.

Parents act like they’re members of civilized society, when in reality we’re squirreling away our kids’ baby teeth like a bunch of serial killers

Twitter: @LindsayHameroff

8.

Conspiracy theorists are so useless. They’re always like “a tiny group of powerful elites is ruling the world and acting only upon their own interests,” and it’s like yeah, we see that. We can all see that.

Twitter: @ginnyhogan_

9.

Live the life you deserve. Throw out your fucking nightmare of a duvet cover and buy a washable quilt. Peace is within reach.

Twitter: @AllisonRaskin

10.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Twitter: @behindyourback

11.

“you’re not my type” bro i’m trynna fuck not donate blood

Twitter: @QueenSaraiii

12.

My 5-year old daughter: Can I have some matches? Me: Sweetie, matches are dangerous. Kids can’t play with matches. My 5-year old daughter: Mom, I’m not going to PLAY with them, I’m going to light fires.

Twitter: @jrblackwell

13.

Guys on dating apps thinking they crushed the opener https://t.co/z0edyXy7H4

Twitter: @omgskr

14.

Me, watching pornography: “ugh, ANOTHER unnecessary sex scene?!?!”

Twitter: @LeftAtLondon

15.

One of my most firmly held beliefs is that I should not have to work or pay bills

Twitter: @kelleygreene

16.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Twitter: @aedison

17.

the pox is spreading, everyone is criticizing notable Catholics, antisemitism is on the rise ... big 1300s energy rn

Twitter: @Anna_Snackz

18.

By 30 you should have friends you can FaceTime on the toilet.

Twitter: @DivaLaci

19.

we need to return to the office cause NONE of my coworkers have any idea that i sigh dramatically 10-20 times per hour for no reason

Twitter: @cryingbaseball

20.

seinfeld is great cause you just watched one of the best episodes you’ve ever seen and then it goes to the bass line theme with jerry doing standup in front of the curtain going “what’s up with having all these boxes when you move”

Twitter: @StealingValerie

21.

2-year-old, handing me some Play-Doh on a plate: Here Mama. Me, pretending to eat it: Yum yum so tasty, what is it? 2-year-old: It's a hamster.

Twitter: @missmulrooney

22.

I trained my body to push my morning poop back two hours so I can do it at work on COMPANY TIME. Follow me for more tips on work/life balance.

Twitter: @EmilyKling2

23.

my 4 year old was smiling so sweetly at my 1 year old this morning and I was like “aw what are you thinking about honey?” and she was like “how I want to chop off the baby’s head. and then play bouncy ball with it.” ??????????????????????????????

Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

24.

Sometimes you can just look at a person and tell they’re good at sex. I am of course talking about amy klobuchar

Twitter: @amore_orless

25.

As an adult I expected more buying whatever I wanted and less of my feet hurting.

Twitter: @HollyBallantine

26.

*needs to clean entire apt* *spends 45 mins obsessing over cleaning the bottom of a cheap plastic tub*

Twitter: @bklyncullie

27.

I like lying down,it is free and it is comfortable, thank u

Twitter: @ElaniKitten

28.

Michael Scott absolutely would have made Return to Office mandatory

Twitter: @lynnbixenspan

29.

and she never wore lipstick again https://t.co/YhH9VWNytf

Twitter: @Amy_Corp

30.

I know I have an issue with needing approval because I am legitimately into when I order and the waiter says “Great choice.”

Twitter: @ashleyn1cole

31.

nooooo Rep Jayapal I thought we were friends

Twitter: @karencheee

32.

just gave my boyfriend an incorrect direction in the car and he sighed and muttered to himself “never assign to malice what can be attributed to incompetence”

Twitter: @raynefq

33.

Hypothetically, if a person were to purchase a second seat for her stroller, could she put her baby in one seat and her chiweenie in the other? So it would ✨hypothetically✨ look like this:

Twitter: @NatHrvatin

34.

went up to a hot girl to be like “where did you get your yoga pants they look so good” and she was like “amazon, i wouldn’t recommend them, they’re pretty bad quality, i just have a nice body” thank you for your transparency queen

Twitter: @baddanadanabad

35.

Cut my hair today. Now I gotta cut a major artery so all my loved ones visit the hospital and see this blowout at its freshest.

Twitter: @megsbroussard

36.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

Twitter: @chocolatadisco

37.

i can't spend the rest of my life convincing an automatic faucet i exist, i just can't

Twitter: @lizzzzzielogan

38.

Twitter: @Jayaratnahhh

39.

wait Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson were dating?? I didn’t even know. I was too busy reading books and getting laid

Twitter: @sahana_srini

40.

at this point the earth could split clean in half and my only response would be to sigh and open twitter

Twitter: @VeryBadLlama