Good news, everyone! Wife guys are a thing of the past. Society is forever evolving, and we forge onward. Bob Dylan once sang, "The times, they are a-changin'." And I'll be damned — the sonofabitch was right.
On that note, make sure you change up your timeline by following these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
Will never forget a rich guy I dated who once told me I was “so good at using all my groceries”
2.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
3.
goodbye. To prison they go
4.
Dressing up as a fish for Halloween so men on dating apps have the unrelenting urge to hold me
5.
“Do you know anything about ‘Don’t Worry Darling?’” — my mom, reading me the movie listings this morning at the start of what she assumed would be a brief phone call.
6.
Endless exposure to human suffering as a result of late capitalism is turning our brains into soup. And that’s why I’m partnering with Cambell’s chicken noodl
7.
Putting my overheated MacBook on my stomach to make the cramps go away
8.
birth certificate is so crazy..hello baby welcome to the world here is some paperwork
9.
the next time somebody makes a comment that my 10 month old daughter is "flirting" or has another baby as a "boyfriend," i'm going to tell them that it's weird to project sexuality onto infants and besides, she's a lesbian
10.
why do men apply chapstick like they're scared of it
11.
Two nights ago I saw a British person say his name is Mark to the restaurant hostess who then wrote his name down as “Mock” and I am still laughing out loud about it
12.
box: meow schrodinger: ignore that
13.
"squirt is pee" then I'm about to have a lot of fun at this drug test
14.
Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks
15.
On a first date, my Bumble match declared, “I have gout.” To which I nodded sagely and, in attempt to make things less weird, said, “Just like Ben Franklin.” Looking back, I have no notes. I did my best.
16.
wait conneticut is real? i thought they made that up for gilmore girls
17.
men will soft launch their gfs by publicly requesting $4.89 from them on venmo
18.
When I first designed LAX they asked what my ultimate vision was. I said I want it to be really bad “just dogshit”. Proud to see it come to fruition ❤️
19.
they need to leave hugh jackman alone. stop sentencing that man to the gym and let him sing his little songs
20.
me, *flirting*: would you rather be burned alive or eaten by a shark
21.
I love when you get to the part in the book where the author's like "I had to learn about airplane mechanics, and now so do you"
22.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other's eyes
23.
adam levine looks like my jeans from middle school
24.
No idea what a Try Guy is, but the kids today would absolutely melt down if they lived through Fleetwood Mac.
25.
2-year-old needed help getting her shirt on but instead of saying that she handed me the shirt and said "Put my bones in this."
26.
Sharpay was right, this is not what I want, this is not what I planned and I just gotta say I do not understand
27.
me to the waiter: excuse me, my onion rings? waiter: ?? answer it then?
Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women!
26 Hilarious Tweets By Women That Helped Me Forget About My Impending Seasonal Depression