Hello again, friends! I had COVID on International Women's Day this year and missed last week's Funny Tweets By Women post — misogyny truly is everywhere!! Anyway, congrats to haleybeatson for winning Funniest Comment in the previous roundup:
Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator
Person 1: "Hey I know it's in 45 minutes but can we postpone our date? My friend just showed me his NFT collection (he has 3 apes) and I want to record a podcast about it with him lol"
Person 2: "That's fine"
2.
it is beyond fucked up that restaurateur doesn't have an n in it
3.
when ur trying to leave the supermarket but mom ran into a friend
4.
Watching “Women Talking” to see if it passes the Bechdel test.
5.
Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
6.
This photo goes crazy. The Etsy girlies are going to have a field day.
7.
@TheLincoln I believe in using Vaseline as a marital aid while the kids are young. You don't use it as lube, you put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get the bedroom door open.
8.
Once I worked in a middle school and promised the kids if they met some big behavioral goal that I would rap the entirety of “Lose Yourself” by Eminem and also it’s important to note that we focused a lot more on behavior than on spelling
"Dear Mrs. K, I like it wene you played out side with us and played hoops with us. And it was fun wene you raped emenem. Sinsiraly, Blake"
9.
Slow day. Gonna tweet something like "Geese Are The Ultimate Short Kings" and then come back to 400 comments, 6 death threats, and a Buzzfeed article just to feel alive.
10.
Tale as old as time: my daughter just asked why Disney is spelled with a G
11.
yeah……… i’m a Gamer
12.
flea’s litter box texting me whenever he pees or poops is where surveillance tech finally got me. im in the middle of the atlantic and i know my cat just pissed. it made me tear up. the future is so disgusting i shouldn’t have this
13.
You only get one, choose wisely
Email subject: "Why women's right is important!"
14.
ask a guy how his day was and he'll give you a one word response but ask him what's the strongest animal you think he could take in a fight and you'll learn more about him and how he views the world than you ever could otherwise
15.
Step 1: read her column
"Opinion: How to Get Kids to Hate English" by Pamela Paul in The New York Times.
16.
don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Women
17.
Gonna go out on a limb here and say I think pants should end at some point? Also this sounds like the name of a horror movie for golden retrievers
"Athleta is introducing The Endless Pant"
18.
We reminded our kindergartner he’ll be at a different school next year, and he said “How will I get there? On the bus?” We said we weren’t sure yet. He nodded knowingly. “Probably by dump truck.”
19.
me any time shredded cheese is involved
20.
i love when bands are like “we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..”
21.
My brain at work: eat shit and die. choke and gag on your own intestines, you hideous fuckbag My email at work: I understand! Please let me know.
22.
just realized i was involuntarily doing the macarena while reading through emails because some car outside has it blasting (?!) and that's apparently how easy i would be to brainwash
23.
god gave his cringiest copy to his best smelling candles
"Your best friend be like: Girl, stop and smell the roses. Girl, hashtag blessed isn't just a meme, it's a mantra. Quit beating yourself up, you're doing great Babe. Cherish what you have & stop comparing your life to the 'gram. You've got so many things coming your way xo"