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20 Hysterical Tweets By Women That Made Me Laugh So Hard The Wind Was Knocked Right Out Of Me

"I hate saying I have an 'open marriage' bc it’s misleading. We’re only allowed to sleep with people who can help our careers" —@mesallyann

To recap this week, here are just a few major events that happened: the continued environmental disaster in Ohio, the Super Bowl, Valentine's Day, and the news that hundreds of spy balloons are floating around in the sky. That's too many things.


My kid got a Valentine from her best friend and I am DYING

Twitter: @JessicaValenti


2 biceps and 2 triceps make for a grand total of 10 ceps

Twitter: @jennasaysquoi


these pics send me every time. this type of white man is so familiar to me…. the posture. the attempt at casualness. brazenly smitten despite being unavailable. it truly sends me. put them in the louvre

Kevin Mazur / WireImage , Al Tielemans /Sports Illustrated via Getty Images / Via Twitter: @SydneyBattle


They/she goes… they/she goes again

Twitter: @margomollo


bitches feel some sunshine on their face in February and think everything is alright

Twitter: @fairyqueenflori


even barney got buccal fat removal

Lyons Partnership, L.P.Connecticut Public Television / Via Twitter: @1AbbyRoad


Nothing is universally funny. Except when your pet’s name starts with a “mister,” we can ALL agree that shit slaps

Twitter: @ginnyhogan_


I too will no longer be doing sex scenes on Netflix's YOU

Twitter: @BrotiGupta


I hate saying I have an “open marriage” bc it’s misleading. We’re only allowed to sleep with people who can help our careers

Twitter: @mesallyann


Asian parents dressing their kids the second it dips below 65 degrees

Twitter: @Hellotherexu


“She [BLANK] on my [BLANK] till I [BLANK]” is the most versatile phrase of the English language

Twitter: @kiranmayeet


my dad just sent me this venn diagram he made

Twitter: @anniierau


y’all, silk sheets are a mf scam. I woke up & everything’s on the floor including me

Twitter: @khilanii


one of my friends in their slut era…

Twitter: @kelly_scraps


the energy at barre tonight was how do I put this um like super murderous

Twitter: @delia_cai


Me telepathically telling my friend across the room that I want to leave the event.

Twitter: @bonillacortne


Forgive me, but if we’re meeting for the first time and you tell me you have five kids, “but there’s still time” for me, I’m gonna tell you I went to Miami last weekend with 72 hours notice.

Twitter: @heysarahsweeney


Twitter: @kate___ali


if you’re having sex tonight please use protection. I’m not worried about adding more scorpios to the world I just don’t think it’s fair to ask your friends to go to your baby shower in this economy

Twitter: @roastmalone_


So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.

Twitter: @itssherifield