The world is a chaotic place, and life's been tough for a lot of people recently. But if you survived the week without exploding, you're doing great (relatively speaking).
On our way to Mars!
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
I'm walking with my chihuahua and a guy on the street said "yo, Taco Bell dog got a hot mom" and that's the only catcalling I will tolerate.
2.
“what that mouth do?” complain
3.
https://t.co/Qbfg4okgH8
Person 1: "saw biden in dc. anon pls"
Deuxmoi: "Likely place for him to be"
4.
do you get jealous when your lyft driver has a new ride added to their queue when you're still in their car or are you normal?
5.
My almost 3yo knows we are house hunting and he told me “we are going to buy a house with four rooms, one for me, one for Winnie, and then you and Dada can have your own room” He thinks we share a room bc we don’t have enough rooms.
6.
one time i was going to a show and they were doing bagchecks. the security guy saw my pills on my bag and said "what are these" i said yk uhh these are my estrogen pills he looked at me for a sec and went: ohh these are for, like, enhancing your femininity? like a bodybuilder?
7.
Person 1: "Girls, does anyone wanna do a soul cycle class lmao. And before you say no, keep in mind! It could be fun and exciting"
Person 2: "No"
8.
women weren't even allowed to have a credit card in their own name until 1974 so it's actually super empowering of me to have three maxed out credit cards
9.
my boyfriend (who doesn’t watch succession) said “only white people can have a show where none of the main characters are hot” and i need a minute
10.
“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
11.
Add a pair of Doc sandals that weigh 90lbs and a baby ringer tee and I am thirteen and looking stupid as hell https://t.co/lc7kzSsK5u
12.
Learning to read was a mistake https://t.co/hsafrHuCDK
13.
I love going to parties, always nice to get out of your house and see that your peers are equally unmoisturized and unwell
14.
I was born in the wrong generation (would have thrived in an era where if you don’t get invited to a party you actually don’t hear about it later)
15.
Netflix trying to fix their server
16.
Twitter usage is down so much that I posted a tweet with a typo and not one man corrected me
17.
The kids asked if we'd rather have butts for ears or ears for butts, so Matt and I gave it some serious thought and agreed we'd both choose butts for ears. Kids all looked at us like we're sickos and said "We would choose neither." Got played.
18.
My favorite Ed Sheeran song is the one where he’s like “personally, I’m a multimillionaire super star, but I really miss the shitty town I grew up in. Here’s a list of how shitty all my extremely poor friends are doing right now.”