Women are famously the funniest people on Twitter, so I rounded up the 100 most hilarious tweets by women in 2022 — a year when we desperately needed a laugh.
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We couldn't have survived the last 12 months without the women of Twitter dot com.
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1.
billionares are so weird. what are you saving up for? hell?
2.
Today my doctor said “you look extra pale, have you been feeling okay?” and I responded “this is just how I look in January” and she wrote that down.
3.
Just filled up my tank and I’ve actually decided to put my car in neutral, open the door and use my feet like the flinstones
4.
Maybe i did audibly moan that one time when the coochie waxing lady put the warm wax on my bootyhole cuz now she always says “Ok heres your favorite part”.
5.
SVU is like "this episode does not depict any actual person or event -- anyway here's tragic young pageant star Jondalay Ramby"
6.
one time i was on an elevator and a guy dropped a bunch of loose grapes on the ground then was like “sorry i haven’t eaten grapes in a while” & i think about him every day
7.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
8.
This pandemic never ending😭😭😭😭my mom is a middle school teacher and during class her student said “guess what Ms. Muhammad..come here i gotta tell u in ur ear” my mom was like “uhh ok” .. he said “my mama got covid🤫” LMFAOAOAOA BRUH PLS CHANGE THESE MFS BACK TO VIRTUAL FUCK
9.
???
10.
Told a guy I had body dysmorphia and he said “I love sci fi”
11.
the only unskilled worker is emily in paris
12.
I told my 6-year-old how happy I was to try out my new vacuum cleaner, and she looked visibly sad for me.
13.
crazy how every time you go on a walk it’s like ohhh that’s why i’m alive
14.
the interview process for writing an hbo series
15.
i got rejected from a job and google wants me to reply with, "bummer!"
16.
the word "ew" coming out of a pretty girl's mouth holds so much power... it could tear apart nations i think
17.
parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when you’re sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat
18.
as a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man, I’m despised by the straight and LGBT+ communities alike. That’s why, this Pride, I’m partnering with James Corden
19.
the lack of a backpack is sending like baby… you got an english paper due NEXT BLOCK!!!
20.
posting on instagram stories is so fucking weird until you have a crush and then it becomes Your Life’s Work
21.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
22.
literally cannot forget this girl I went to school with whose instagram bio was “Cincinnati ✈️ Northern Kentucky” What was the airplane for queen
23.
catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy
24.
doing everything in my power to steer my 5yo away from buying "ball gag teddy bear" over here
25.
Having been around babies and toddlers for many years now I can tell you what they really want, what makes their eyes sparkle and what they reach for more than anything. It’s knives. Follow me for more hot parenting tips
26.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
27.
can’t grocery shop two days before going out of town - legally have to eat weird and bad meals
28.
Foreplay is just bullying a horny person
29.
Duolingo watching me do the wordle every day
30.
why do children drink like they’ve been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights?? gasping for air and everything
31.
i don’t irish exit, i american withdraw (make a big show about leaving and then linger indefinitely)
32.
“WyD oN vALenTiNeS dAy” going to work its a Monday lmaoo
33.
At least 4 of my pill bottles say “may cause dizziness” so before you’re mean to me online consider that I might be the dizziest bitch in the world ok
34.
my husband RAN—I mean absolutely sprinted—in from the garden, yelling my name, at 8 am, so he could show me this tomato. happy saturday
35.
one time in college i was so mad a guy rejected me i updated my facebook status to "who even really cares" and it wasn't until a week later i realized i posted that on the anniversary of 9/11
36.
“so i did a thing…” - millennial admitting to a majorly violent crime
37.
Conspiracy theorists are so useless. They’re always like “a tiny group of powerful elites is ruling the world and acting only upon their own interests,” and it’s like yeah, we see that. We can all see that.
38.
Me, watching pornography: “ugh, ANOTHER unnecessary sex scene?!?!”
39.
Goddamn it
40.
getting ur clit rubbed by a dj prolly go crazy, he down there like wikiwikiwiki
41.
nooooo Rep Jayapal I thought we were friends
42.
i can't spend the rest of my life convincing an automatic faucet i exist, i just can't
43.
*me on the brink of a mental breakdown* can you see my screen
44.
Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom
45.
experiencing workplace abuse (they’re making me work)
46.
Yeah I play D&D&D&D&D. Dungeons, Dragons, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Roll initiative to enter Flavor Town.
47.
idc how bad life gets i’m not reading a Colleen Hoover book
48.
impossible to explain to young people how, in 2005, you could start a blog that was like "I love my boyfriend Greg, but sometimes I'm not sure that he's The One" & the president of HarperCollins would drive to your house & personally sign you to a $200,000 book deal
49.
Me: I don’t know why my computer’s running so slow My computer:
50.
walked through a venue and a staff member said she liked my costume, but it’s just my outfit, it’s just the clothes that I picked out and own and wear on a regular basis, it’s just the clothes I like to wear, the clothes I think look nice, but she said she liked my costume
51.
when a man is annoying me, i hate that. but when i am annoying to a man, i think that’s something to get excited about
52.
love being off twitter a couple days, logging back on and immediately seeing takes like "bookshelves are performative." It's like remembering why you stopped hanging out with that one friend who always tries to fight the bouncer
53.
by age 30 you should have a few stock market crashes, one 9/11, and a multi year pandemic under your belt
54.
pooping just got so much easier
55.
I'm sorry but "non-fungible" will always mean "impossible to turn into a mushroom" to me
56.
-arriving in hell- me: omg it’s you! i’m a huge fan of your eggs. the devil:
57.
important to read your baby nursery rhymes so she’ll have correct opinions about centuries-old British political figures
58.
mom, dad, :) i’d like you to meet my *forgets gender neutral term for boyfriend* uuuuh collaborator
59.
me and my boyfriend got into an argument the other day and this what he sent back to my paragraph
60.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
61.
A weighted blanket is not enough I need a hydraulic press
62.
writing a cover letter is so debasing like can i just give the hiring manager a blowjob instead
63.
My son just asked me how I know his name…… I’m not in the mood today
64.
“Are you feeling rested after the long weekend??” Me:
65.
adulthood is wild because my to-do list will be like 1. buy toothpaste 2. figure out how to write a will
66.
ok kids are dumb as hell once I asked a 3 year old what she wanted to be when she grew up and she hit me w "doctor or shopping cart"
67.
i’m too unserious to join the military, i would be in the field on twitter like “not they throwin grenadesss😭”
68.
Me: I want Starbucks Me: Anything for u princess
69.
Me when my child is explaining the rules of the game she just made up for us to play
70.
I'm talking to my mom about how these dating apps suck and she tells me to develop my relationship with the Lord. Respectfully he's not going to eat my-
71.
looking at my boyfriend stand in the shower behind the sliding glass door like i’m at the aquarium
72.
Every metaverse pitch I get on LinkedIn boils down to "we are building a new world where anything is possible and the only limit is your imagination. for example, in this new world you can buy and wear various clothes"
73.
saved a 25 year old (25)(twenty five) (20 5)(25 btw) man’s number in my phone, and he looked at it and said “damn no emojis”.
74.
had a dream where this was the cover to The Great Gatsby and now I can’t get it out of my head
75.
oh your boyfriend’s a doctor? well my boyfriend is now the coach of an imaginary football team for the next 4 months
76.
In the age of cell phones, the area code has become the ancestral clan name or heraldry. It is a marker of old stories, loyalties, a statement that says "there was a land I came from but am there no longer"
77.
If you hold a pigeon up to your ear you can hear what it sounds like to be attacked by a pigeon.
78.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
79.
It's the cat's birthday
80.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?” - my child, about to be shook
81.
HE HATES ME!!! (he’s asleep while i’m awake)
82.
"slut era" she whispers while in a committed long term monogamous relationship and she only leaves her apartment for groceries
83.
Therapist: what do we say when our actions have upset someone? Me: Hoes mad Therapist: no
84.
trader joes exec 1: pistachios without the shell, we could call them shelled pistachios trader joes exec 2 (very very horny, like the most horny): no, no, that won't do
85.
I’ll be like “yeah this is my emotional support animal” and it’s just a cat who actively works to make my life more difficult
86.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and "giving me some time back" -- now I can finally pursue my passions
87.
Will never forget a rich guy I dated who once told me I was “so good at using all my groceries”
88.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
89.
I like Avril’s version better
90.
I love when you get to the part in the book where the author's like "I had to learn about airplane mechanics, and now so do you"
91.
After watching my toddler like a hawk nonstop I glance at my phone for 0.00012 seconds, and when I look up she is somehow smoking a cigarette and wielding a crossbow
92.
we are the daughters of the bajas you couldn’t blast
93.
My flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said “Don’t worry about the time folks we’re gonna fly this thing like we stole it.” 💀
94.
Received this at my grandmas funeral. What an icon.
95.
since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands
96.
and is gut health in the room with us right now?
97.
My favourite part of heartbreak is when you start talking like HR “I wish you well for the future..and hope you get the happiness you deserve” headass 😭😭
98.
The year was 2011. I was 18. I had practiced asking my dad if I can go on holiday with my friends for weeks now. I finally get the courage and ask. My heart is pounding!!!! He looks at me and then goes "I want you to watch a film called Taken"
99.
me to the waiter: excuse me, my onion rings? waiter: ?? answer it then?
100.
at this point the earth could split clean in half and my only response would be to sigh and open twitter