I Watched Every "Breaking Bad" Finale For The First Time — And I Have Some OPINIONS

    Everyone loves a bad boy.

    Alright Bad Boys (that's what I assume Breaking Bad fans are called), here's the skinny: I've never seen this show before, and I don't have a long enough attention span to watch every episode. Thankfully, there are five action-packed season finales just waiting to bring me up to speed. So let's do this!!!

    the cast answering questions at a comic-con event

    🚨🚨🚨 SPOILER ALERT 🚨🚨🚨

    Season 1, Episode 7: "A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal"

    The first shot of the episode is a massive poster that says meth equals death in bright lettering

    UMMM, these tables don't have backs. Everyone can see you!!! Also ma'am he's been rubbing your thigh for two seconds and isn't even under the skirt yet. If that's all it takes to make you moan, I don't want to be anywhere near you when a light breeze goes by.

    The left image is of Walt rubbing Skyler's thigh and the caption calls it "the ol' over-the-skirt rub-a-dub-dub." The right image is of Skyler moaning with pleasure and the caption calls her a liar

    How do these two men know each other? My top guesses: Walt sold Jesse some old furniture on Craigslist, Walt is Jesse's former boss, or they took an improv class together.

    Jesse looks at Walt's Heisenberg hat and sunglasses incredulously, and the caption says "nice getup, Walt. FYI the vaudeville auditions are down the street and 70 years ago"

    If someone figured out how to bottle up this very annoying woman's bountiful energy and sell it, they wouldn't need the meth.

    The caption says "Let's send anyone who pokes pregnant bellies to a farm upstate with all the other assholes who simply cannot respect personal space"

    Also, Marie got the baby a tiara. I cannot express to you how far into outer space I would launch someone who gave me a tiara at a baby shower.

    Skyler is looking at the bejeweled tiara with fake excitement. The caption says "This will come in handy when the queen stops by for tea"

    Wait, so not only is the tiara impractical — it's also STOLEN. Marie sucks the absolute most.

    The caption says "People like Marie exist all around us and I am VERY scared of them"

    Everyone say hi to my new sleep paralysis demons!

    Walt and Jesse are wearing horrifying ski masks for their burglary. The caption says "who needs sleep anyway"

    These two boneheads fight like a married couple.

    Walt struggles to start the van. Jesse says "Come on man, let me try it." Walt responds "How is it gonna be any different?" And Jesse replies "CAN I JUST TRY IT"

    All those people who tweeted about how much they hated Skyler should have aimed that ire at Marie, because she's back and she is still the worst person on a show about making meth!!!

    Skyler confronts Marie and asks "What is wrong with you? Can you please tell me that?" The caption says "Skyler White, my hero"

    Why does literally every man over a certain age have this jacket???

    Walt is wearing a tan collared jacket with a zipper

    Tuco beat the crap out of one of his men because Walt's blue meth is incredibly potent, but I still laughed during this scene because Walt truly looks like he's doing bad Groucho Marx-meets-Charlie Chaplin cosplay.

    Walt and Jesse stare with open mouths and the caption says "I personally wouldn't say anything to get on Tuco's bad side, but maybe I'm just built different"

    Season 1 recap time!

    Season 2, Episode 13: "ABQ"

    Oh shit, did Jesse kill Krysten Ritter?

    A woman's lifeless body lies on the bed as Jesse tries unsuccessfully to revive her

    Jesse called Walt in a panic and Walt said, "Sit tight, I know who to call." Do I sense a SAUL intro soon?

    A very scary looking dude who is notably NOT Saul Goodman walks towards Jesse's house, and the caption says "excuse me, sir, but where is Bob Odenkirk?"

    Remember when every website looked this bad, so you didn't automatically assume it was a virus?

    Walt's son proudly displays his computer screen to his parents. He built a donation page for Walt, which is bright green with comic sans font. The captions say "where is the U-R-L lol" and "comic sans, for when you wanna give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle"

    Star Trek Alert!!! Q really is everywhere, I guess.

    OK, well now I'm sobbing. I simply cannot handle when good actors play grieving parents.

    On a picture of a grieving father, a comment says "please stop making me feel things when I've spent my entire adult life running from my emotions"

    Everyone seems to be fundraising for Walt's mystery surgery, so I guess the cancer is getting worse?

    Hank holds out a big jar that says "Walt's Recover Fund" and the caption points out that the font is "not comic sans"

    I'm not going to show a pic of the drug den Walt visits. Instead, you're going to hear this quick spiel about how this country's treatment of addicts is horrendous, and police funding should go towards treatment, housing, and healthcare for everyone who needs it.

    🚨 We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming To Bring You This Very Important Message: the baby yawned. 🚨

    Walt and Skyler's absurdly adorable baby yawns widely in an oversize onesie

    "Lingering on things doesn't help." —Walt, a man who would benefit tremendously from lingering on some things

    Walt looks intensely at Jesse next to a caption that says "men will literally become drug lords instead of going to therapy"

    Yessss! The queen of chaos has arrived, and she's making a mess of everything as usual. She's terrible. I love her.

    On a picture of Marie looking chaotic in the middle of Walt's living room filled with cameras and reporters, the caption says "they say love and hate are two sides of the same coin, and Marie would steal that coin right out of my wallet"

    I love that Skyler just became a crazed detective here. If she started a true crime podcast back in 2009 she would've been a millionaire by now.

    Walt and Skyler stand off in the middle of their bedroom as Skyler prepares to end the marriage

    Season 2 recap time!

    Season 3, Episode 13: "Full Measure"

    Walt and Skyler are in wigs and younger-looking clothes in a pretty failed attempt to make them look 15-20 years younger. The caption next to Walt's extremely middle-aged looking face says "I'm 35"

    Nice to see Walt upgrade the location of his drug meetups since Season 1.

    Walt faces off with a hitman in the middle of a vast, expansive field during sunset, and the captions says "started from a junkyard, now we here"

    Oh shit, it's the guy who visited Hank's office in the Season 2 finale! Didn't he like... make candy or chicken or something? What's he doing here?!

    The drug lord that Walt meets with is a serious looking man from last season, and I'm pretty sure he was introduced as a restaurant or food businessman which is weird

    This whole watching-season-finales-and-nothing-else thing has been one long exercise in muttering "now who's THIS fuckin' guy" under my breath for five hours straight.

    One of the many men who I don't recognize in these episodes is Walt's new meth-cooking assistant, and the caption says "get lost, rando"

    Finally, a guy I recognize!

    Finally, there is a scene with Saul Goodman, who I already knew because of the "Breaking Bad" spinoff show "Better Call Saul"

    When my life is being threatened by a drug kingpin, I, too, visit the local arcade for a few quick rounds of laser tag.

    Saul brings Walt to meet Jesse in a defunct laser tag arcade park so they can plan how to avoid being murdered by the drug lord

    See, this is exactly why I don't drink tea — so the whistle of a kettle won't drown out the sound of my phone when someone calls to warn me that the sidekick of the meth-making chemist they want to kill is on his way to kill me because I'm the only chemist who could replace him.

    A tea kettle loudly whistles, which drowns out the sound of a vibrating phone, and the caption jokingly advertises "coffee (trademarked): defy death"

    Season 3 recap time!

    Season 4, Episode 13: "Face Off"

    Walt clutches a shoulder bag resembling a lunchbox, and the caption says "he must have the GOOD snacks in that lunchbox"

    PSA: If you're ever being questioned by law enforcement, ask if you're under arrest. If you are — don't say anything without a lawyer present. If you aren't — leave.

    Jesse is in a basement interrogation room with two federal agents, and the caption says "Jesse literally shut the eff up, my guy"

    Watching the women of Breaking Bad not put up with Walt's BS is my kink.

    A picture of Saul's assistant who chewed Walt out has a heart over her face, and the caption says "the hero Albuquerque wants AND needs"

    How To Avoid Kidnappers 101: Don't talk to strangers in vans!

    Two of Gus's men push Jesse into a minivan, and the caption says "hey kid, I'm a friend of your mom's"

    The score in this scene was top notch. I have to assume the budget for this show skyrocketed with every season, and it really shows.

    Gus dramatically walks towards the nursing home moments before a bomb kills him

    Now why the FUCK did they have to go and Two-Face this man on my screen?! Just because you have the makeup & effects budget for hollowed-out skulls doesn't mean you should scar me for life!!!!!

    Gus exits the room after the bomb goes off with half of his face completely missing, and he straightens his tie before collapsing, and the caption says "sir you're missing half a skull. don't worry about your tie"

    It seems like Skyler knows what Walt does now, in which case I'm even MORE confused by all the hate she gets. Any woman who stands by her meth-making murderer husband is a real ride-or-die and y'all should be thrilled.

    Season 4 recap time!

    Season 5, Episode 16: "Felina"

    Walt is dressed in winter clothes in a snow-covered vehicle, and some hair peaks out from beneath his hat

    Fun fact: An apartment the size of this one room would cost ten trillion dollars in NYC.

    A rich couple prepare dinner in their kitchen and don't notice Walt, who broke in, standing on the other end of a massive open-floor plan, and the caption says "the Walt is coming from inside the house"

    Despite everything that's gone down in the past season, Walt still doesn't look a day over 36.

    Walt looks positively ancient, having aged rapidly from the cancer, meth cooking, and his crimes, and there is a small picture in the corner of Walt in the flashback scene when he looked like a very unconvincing 35-year-old

    OH SHIT HANK IS DEAD!?!?

    Walt says goodbye to Skyler and confirms that Hank is dead. Despite all the changes in his life, he is still wearing the same collared jacket he wore in Season 1

    Do you have too many spare bullets lying around? Try a Hands-Free Machine Gun In Your Car Trunk™️: for all your bullet disposing needs.

    The white supremacist lair is riddled with hundreds of bullets from Walt's homemade machine gun contraption, and everyone except Walt and Jesse is dead

    We did it, folks!

    In the final scene of the series, Walt bleeds from his gun wound and lays on the ground of the white supremacists' meth lab as the police rush in

    Season 5 recap time!

    And that's it! We broke bad.

    The title card for the series uses elements from the periodic table to spell out part of the words "Breaking Bad," and chemical vapors float by in the background

    What should I watch next? Let me know in the comments!