13 Foods That Are, In My Opinion, Canonically Bisexual

It all comes down to vibes.

The bisexual community has long understood that certain foods and drinks are definitively bi.

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Oat milk, pretty much all coffee and espresso products, lemon bars... These are our bisexual hall-of-famers, canonized by our Bi Elders™️. They're the OGs against which all future bisexual food and drink must compare.

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But as some people have pointed out, maybe it's time for new food-related bi stereotypes – although I don't think "bisexuals all eat hair" will make the cut.

relax guys, its just ken @isawken

can we come up with a new stupid bisexual stereotype to makes jokes about? “bi’s sit funny” and “bi women love all women and one man” are so rote. we need something fresh. like, “bisexuals all eat hair” or “bisexuals loooooove parasaurolophus”

08:44 PM - 30 May 2022

@isawken / Via Twitter: @isawken

So here's my pitch to add the following 13 foods to Bisexual Canon, and I want to know if you agree.

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To be very clear, you're not necessarily bi if you consume these foods and drinks. You're just a FOTB (Friend of the Bisexuals) with superb taste.

1. Noodles

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Noodles pair well with pretty much any ingredient. Shiitake mushrooms? Sure! Tomato sauce? Why not! M&Ms? Buddy the Elf loves them on his spaghetti! (Does that mean Buddy the Elf is bisexual? TBD.) 

To any culture that considers noodles a staple: Congrats on your new canonical bisexuality!

2. Veggie burgers and fake meat products

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It's all about the vibes with bisexual foods, and veggie burgers – or any meat replacement, for that matter – positively radiate bisexual energy.

One could argue I'm teetering dangerously close to Vegan Lesbian Food Canon, but this is simply the overlap in the center of a Lesbian x Bisexual WLW Venn diagram.

3. Smoothies

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Smoothies can be savory, sweet, or anything in between. No matter what you're craving, there's a deeply bisexual smoothie out there for you.

Note: This doesn't include protein shakes. Those are VERY gay.

4. Warm dinner rolls

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I just really love warm dinner rolls and I'm bisexual, so I'm planting my flag on this claim. But cold dinner rolls are straight. Obviously.

5. Zucchini bread

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Whereas banana bread is both overrated and everywhere, zucchini bread is the humble, healthier alternative that will make you happy if you'd JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE, GODDAMNIT.

Understandably, bisexual people and zucchini bread are both a bit frustrated with how the world treats them.

6. Anything Kristen Stewart eats

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She's the queen of the bis and rules her queer subjects with an iron fist. I'd eat anything she told me to – heck, she could hand me a bucket of mud for breakfast, and I'd just ask for a spoon.

7. Salted caramel ice cream

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No two salted caramel ice cream brands have quite the same balance of salty and sweet. One might have an 80/20 breakdown; another may be 45/55. They're all valid and delightful (but to break the heartwarming metaphor, oat milk ice cream is clearly the most superior – and the most bisexual).

8. Eggs

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Whether you notice them or not, eggs – like bis – are everywhere. From over easy to hard-boiled, these babies are absolutely essential to the breakfast ecosystem. If you're not sure how that connects to bisexuality...me neither. The metaphor got away from me, and my brain's all...scrambled. But this list is all about the vibes, and eggs positively exude bi energy. IYKYK. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Onion rings

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Onion rings are quintessentially bisexual: hard on the outside with a soft interior, on every menu but often overlooked, and desperately trying to forget their embarrassing Tumblr phase from 2009–12*.

*Nobody fact check that last one.

10. Nachos

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Nachos come in infinite pairings; it's that simple. Plus I take a lot of pleasure in the knowledge that millions of toxic straight dudes would be genuinely upset by this proclamation, and nothing fuels more bisexual joy than a bunch of pissed-off straight men.

11. Curly fries

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Some bisexuals understand their sexuality right away. Others take years to realize what was always right in front of them, even though they probably should have known they were bi when their very first ever Ask Jeeves search was "Britney Spears boobs." (This is a hypothetical example that could totally be about anyone's bisexual awakening.)

The point is, curly fries (henceforth known as curly bis) are great whether you get a whole plate of 'em or are completely caught off guard when you find a lone curly fry in your bucket of french fries. And I bet Britney Spears would agree.

12. Rice pudding

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Plain rice is straight. Fried rice is gay. Rice and beans are deeply lesbian. Thus, rice pudding is bisexual. And it just feels right.

13. And finally...extra-sharp cheddar cheese

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I speak from experience when I tell you that 99% of chaotic bis are both obsessed with cheese AND aggressively lactose intolerant. What do you get when you combine those two qualities? A stomach full of extra-sharp cheddar and a regretful bisexual person in EXTREME pain. There's no metaphor here; it's just something I've done too many times to count.

What other foods belong in the Bisexual Canon? Sound off below!

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