These 101 Hilarious Tweets By Women Brought The World So Much Joy Over The Past 15 Years, And Elon Can Never Take That Away From Us

    "Y’all remember in elementary school when we sent the boys to Jupiter to get more stupider... well they’re back and it worked" —@katie_phenix

    Ever since Elon Musk purchased Twitter earlier this month, things on my favorite garbage website have gone downhill FAST. And that really sucks, because Twitter's always been a bit of a trash fire, but it was OUR trash fire, y'know?

    closeup of Elon

    Twitter under Elon Musk feels like the therapist who spent 16 years misdiagnosing me just announced their retirement, and suddenly all I can remember are the good times.

    tweet from 2006, "welcome to twitter! you are very unwell"

    (Also, I just got verified earlier this year, and Twitter's decline under Elon feels like an attack on me, specifically.)

    author's tweet with a blue verification check mark, "i'm not like other girls, i'm incredibly annoying"

    In remembrance of the good times, here are the 101 funniest tweets by women, aka the funniest people on Twitter dot com!

    Tell me your absolute favorite tweets by women in the comments!


    bartender: i'm cutting you only water from now on. Jesus: (sarcastically) oh no


    "bravely combatting imposter syndrome by being genuinely bad


    "told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, again?! it's like, you know what, you're right, i'm cancelling my subscription


    "any pizza is personal if it killed your father"


    "my personal forecast" and then a photo of the weather map that reads, moist and unstable


    "no one ever tells you how often you'll whisper righty tighty, lefty loosey to yourself as an adult and they really should


    "I told my little brother that it was fine if we didn't get ice cream and he said are you sure? I looked it up online and it said when girls say they're fine they're not


    i'm amazed by people who lose weight with exercise. When i exercise nothingtg happens bc my dna still thinks i'm a eurpean peasant so it's like, oh are we running from the english again las? Dinnae ye worry: we'll keep ye plump


    when a man tells me he's looking for a real woman i scurry away because i'm actually three owls in a raincoat and he mustn't find out


    a group of karens is called the view


    every morning my 2 year old sits up in her bed and yells, help i woke up and i think we can all relate


    someone responding to a new nicole kidman ad for AMC theaters to suggest that she'll hate movies in the next one


    tweet saying her and her husband went to a bar and did some role playing and a woman later said to her in the bathroom, "sorry but i was watching and it's so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea"


    hello, IRS? yes i would like to report a sex worker for not paying taxes. legal name? yes her legal name is slutty_becky98. did you get the underscore there's an underscore


    my flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said, don't worry about the time folks, we're gonna fly this thing like we stole it


    took me until i was like 30 to understand "operate heavy machinery" meant cars. i thought you weren't supposed to take xanax and work the line at a cannery


    finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing


    i hate watching cats fight, it's like stop it, you are just little guys and little guys don't throw paws. kiss each other


    30–50 feral hogs? sounds like my dating history lmao


    my upstairs neighbors have the life i want. they wake up on a saturday morning, fall out of bed and then drop and knock over literally everything they own for 6 or 19 hours. good christ that is the fucking life


    regular weekend: damn hope i have time to do laundry three day weekend: maybe i'll write a book


    i don't like the person i become when the grocery store cashier bags my groceries out of the order that i put them on the belt


    tweet showing a picture of them dressed as babadook for halloween and saying they dressed like this when they're friend's party was more of an adults drinking wine party


    who's doing cry january? you have to commit to crying at least a little bit every day during the month of january


    i have just checked what's trending. i will try again tomorrow. have a productive evening. Bye!


    woman sarcastically saying that she wishes people were taking the virus seriously because her and her husband are vacationing in tahiti after covid made her husband depressed and no one on the beach is wearing a mask


    overheard from a 2nd grade zoom: teacher: ok now, what's at the end of life? 7 year old: that's a...I mean, that's a's complicated. teacher: i mean the word life


    it's hard to relate to euphoria because at my high school we had crazy sock day


    way too stoned for the interaction I just had where i asked for a pepsi and the guy said, is pepsi okay


    "what i mean when i say i'm able to work in a fast-paced environment" and there's a photo from a game where the character has to make a sandwich from the fridge


    "is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?" my child, about to be shook


    all lives matter feels like a stranger showing up at someone's funeral and going, hey guys, it's actually my birthday today so could we not?


    genie: i don't, i'm sorry i'm just not getting this. me: (in bed) look, it's not complicated, I still want to feel the weight of the blanket, but i'm already hot


    you want me to get a husband? the thing that killed everyone on dateline


    one time a guy i was seeing told me he didn't like burritos because the ingredients were hiding and i think about that more than you could imagine


    coronavirus hysteria, every store is sold out of 2's and a photo showing numeral candles with the 2 section empty


    netflix prank show idea: women agreeing to meet up with the guys that send them unsolicited dick pics, but when the guy arrives, its actually their mother waiting for them


    sometimes i get really concerned about things very suddenly, like i'll be chillin then all the sudden be like oh shit where's my birth certificate


    me: if you drink this coffee you're gonna get jittery and anxious and you're gonna feel sick later. my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast


    me: i look cute. mirrors: you look cute. store windows: you look cute. other people: you look cute. iphone foward-facing camera; what's up you shrek-looking bag of bitch


    the male urge to try to calm an upset woman down by saying, hey hey hey hey hey


    this is how 2020 feels and then there's a screen shot from a game with a skeleton and roller coaster that says, the ride never ends and then text that reads, i want to gete of mr bones wild ride


    y'all remember in elementary school when we sent the boys to jupiter to get more stupider...well they're back and it worked


    mother: can you please fix my computer me: (leans back in chair) well well well if it isn't Miss "Get off that Computer" years 1994 to 2006


    in a way jesus gone girl'd us


    sometimes my low pony looks cute but sometimes i look like a young man in colonial america eager to start his woodworking apprenticeship


    i overheard a dad at starbucks tell a kid not to tell mom he got a cake pop for breakfast so i guess i'm part of their web of lies now too


    "got my period" with a photo shared of a cartoon woman tossing a baby in the air


    one of the biggest ongoing stressed in my life is watching other people fall asleep on the subway no no no wake up your stop could be soon


    me: my eyes are up here. picasso: i disagree


    sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over


    the anxious urge to say no worries either way when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way


    'you had one job" is not a meme that makes sense to millennials


    was being responsible and didn't drive home after happy hour last night. came back to pick up my car and it's in a fucking farmer's market. including the photo with the car underneath some tents while people sell


    recently learned that the korean equivalent of the expression, looking for a needle in a haystack is looking for a mr. kim in seol and i think that is so so so funny


    if you work at mar-a-lago how do you not show up in trumps bedroom at 3 am as a ghost in chains


    do people who run know that we're not food anymore


    more ladies should leave internet comments on men's accomplishments like, he sucks as an astronaut but i'd sit on his face


    calculating how many pockets full of playground wood chips I'll need to carry home in order to mulch all my flower beds


    when a man says "females' and then a photo of a cartoon kid alone on a bus saying, i'm in danger


    as a socialist it's so annoying to me when someone has a lot of boob and i have none


    everyone thinks pinterest is all fun and DIY but give the wrong people a glue gun and some fruit and that shirt dark fast


    conversation with the devil saying you'll stay forever young but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin. dorian: but can i hide it with no other consequences? I'll probably just hide the picture


    how to write: want to, in general way. try for an hour. go crazy, become bitter, victimized, self-loathing. keep going! second hour easier


    i can relate to blender because i also scream while i'm doing my job


    "this is what happens when men have creative control. a butt crack on top of another butt crack" with a photo of a cartoon woman bending over in underwear


    parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when yo're sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat


    my daughter asked if her bones were always going to hurt when it's cold outside. i said one day they will hurt when it's not even cold


    all respect for pillow princesses but why is this person on tinder saying she's a pillow princess looking for another pillow princesses...girl who is doing the work


    i no longer get up to investigate strange noises. it's whatever


    can't believe that pioneer women used to churn butter for hours without even listening to a podcast about bigfoot


    someone wrote "mood' with the photo underneath a screenshot from a movie with the quote adjusted to say, why is no one dying


    just found out that to find a boyfriend you have to actively go out and look for one? sick to my stomach right now


    twitter account asks, the most marketable skill of 2021? and the velveeta cheese account responds, "generational wealth"


    dating someone new is so crazy. like one day you're strangers and the next? they've made eye contact with your asshole. life comes at you fast


    when the moon hits your dish and mispronounce fish albacore


    guns are my hobby! well, i like knitting but if knitting killed 9747 people so far in 2017 i would at least consider switching to crochet


    doing everything in my power to steer away my 5 year old from buying "bull gag teddy bear" over here. and then a photo of a teddy bear in the store that's being gagged with a ball


    change my password? but that's my emotional support same password i've used for everything since i was 15


    my sister in law got a package of 96 diapers at her baby shower and my brother said, oh awesome, that's 96 days worthh of diapers


    "you are beautiful, no matter what they say" thanks, wait, what are they saying?


    um, if corporations aren't people then how do you explain pete buttigieg


    i don't know when i'm gonna die, so i have a midlife crises every year to play it safe


    twitter feed now looks like a bunch of conversations i am trying to get out of at a party


    my 8 year old had the audacity to ask me why i cross my legs when i sneeze. you, dude. you are the reason


    my apologies to in advance as I present to you, Matilda Swinton. and a photo of young matilda rolling her wagon of books with Tilda Swinton's face


    i don't know why we have 3 different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowing approaching


    "So i did a thing" said the millennial admitting to a majorly violent crime


    Person: bye, see you soon. me, following them and frantically shaking a calendar: when exactly


    having size 9 shoes at the store: greeting Amazonian giantess, we keep your enormous clodhoppers in the shed out back, lest they frighten the villagers


    when you're at a party and some dude starts playing his acoustic guitar. and then a photo of a woman covered in blood, yelling


    my startup idea is a company called, "i need a grown-up" and when you open the app, a briskly reassuring woman shows up, seamlessly takes over, and make you take a nap


    my gynecologist's office sent an email saying they're no doing video visits so i guess this is how i become a cam girl


    oh my god thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and giving me some time back, now i can finally pursue my passions


    my son just asked me how I know his name.... i'm not in the mood today


    how can i be a misogynist if I live in my mom's basement


    men writing women characters: she was beautiful but didn't know it. she was 5'7 and 101 pounds. her feet were size 3. her hat size was infant. she'd never thrown up, even once. her periods lasted 45 minutes. her top was see-through


    picture of the great gatsby book over with eye and lip emojis on top with the tweet reading, had a dream where this was the cover and now i can't get it out of my head


    plagiarism?? girl i found your whole lesson plan on quizlet


    at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with, lol this isn't a pharmacy. bitch that's a prescription we're both stupid

    101. And finally, a tweet for anyone who's ever shared an opinion online:

    grant me the serenity to not read the comments, the courage to not read the comments, and the wisdom to not read the comments

    Make sure you follow everyone from this list on Twitter while you still can!

    What are your all-time favorite tweets by women? Drop them in the comments below! 🤳👇