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The Definitive Ranking Of The 19 Best Places To Fart In Public

You know the WORST places already, so here are the BEST places to avoid embarrassment when you just...have to.

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Scoring System:

NBC / Via

These areas must either be loud to disguise any noise you might be making—or have heavily scented air to mask the smell. Places with both qualities rank higher in the list.

Each selection is scored by:

Existing Ambient Noise (out of 5)

Existing Ambient Smell (out of 5)

These are added to calculate the "Fart Confidence Score" (out of 10).

19. McDonald's

NBC / Via

Just trust me on this one.

Ambient Noise Score: 1.2 (kids screaming, other people farting)

Ambient Smell Score: 3.6 (it smells like McDonald's in here)

Fart Confidence Score: 4.8

18. Michael's Arts and Crafts Store

FX / FXX / Via

Find a nice corner by the scrapbooking stuff.

Ambient Noise Score: 2.2 (muzak)

Ambient Smell Score: 2.7 (potpourri, glue)

Fart Confidence Score: 4.9

17. Guy's American Kitchen & Bar

NBC / Via

Some things just feel right. Plenty of people have had the Donkey Sauce.

Ambient Noise Score: 2.3 (Godsmack, Hoobastank and Nickleback)

Ambient Smell Score: 2.7 (deep friers bubbling, nachos)

Fart Confidence Score: 5.0

16. Any 3-D Movie:

ABC / Via

Everyone is seeing weird crap. It'll just seem like part of the experience.

Ambient Noise Score: 3.2 (movie audio)

Ambient Smell Score: 1.9 (popcorn)

Fart Confidence Score: 5.1

15. Macy's:

NBC / Via

Head straight to the cologne or perfume section and let 'er rip.

Existing Ambient Noise Score: 1.1 (cash registers, people talking)

Existing Ambient Smell Score: 4.1 (too much perfume)

Fart Confidence Score: 5.2

14. Nail Salon:

MTV / Via

Judgement free zone.

Ambient Noise Score: 2.2 (other people talking, water running)

Ambient Smell Score: 3.1 (acetone, acrylic/gel nails)

Total Fart Score: 5.3

13. Victoria's Secret

CBS / Via

Everyone should fart here at least once in their life.

Ambient Noise Score: 1.2 (faint Yanni, Enya, Katy Perry)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.2 (perfume, bras)

Fart Confidence Score: 5.4

12. Bath and Body Works:

SNL Studios / Via

Stop in here if you also need some hand lotion or bath salts.

Ambient Noise Score: 1.2 (mall music wafting in)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.7 (scented candles, lotions)

Fart Confidence Score: 5.9

11. A Cinnabon Restaurant:


They literally pump delicious scents into the air. If you're lucky, you'll hear the mall soundtrack in the background.

Ambient Noise Score: 1.2 (people moaning, mall music)

Ambient Smell Score: 5.0 (it smells like you're inside a pastry)

Fart Confidence Score (out of 20): 6.2

10. Staten Island Ferry:

20th Century Fox / Via

Rose will have no idea.

Ambient Noise Score: 2.3 (the sound of the sea)

Ambient Smell Score: 2.6 (birds, seawater, fish)

Wind Bonus: 2.0

Fart Confidence Score: 6.9

9. A Fish Market:

NBC / Via

This whole place smells fishy. You're good.

Ambient Noise Score: 2.2 (street noise, people yelling)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.8 (fish, crustaceans, mollusks)

Fart Confidence Score: 7.0

8. NASCAR Race:


Super loud here. Ambient smell levels not ideal. Careful if with significant other.

Ambient Noise Score: 4.8 (loud engines, cheering)

Ambient Smell Score: 2.6 (body odor, smoke, nachos)

Fart Confidence Score: 7.4

7. Sephora:

Disney / Via

It sounds and smells like a fashion runway in here.

Ambient Noise Score: 3.3 (probably some Robyn, Beyoncé and Ke$ha)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.6 (perfume, Nicki Minaj)

Fart Confidence Score: 7.9

6. Anywhere Near Justin Bieber:


If you are anywhere near him you will hear either screaming teens or booing. If you are within 100 yards, you will also smell him. Safe bet that no one will notice your fart. Add 1 point of Fart Confidence if he is performing.

Ambient Noise Score: 4.9 (screaming teens, booing adults)

Ambient Smell Score: 3.1 (axe body spray)

Fart Confidence Score: 8.0

5. Civil War Reenactment:

Convenient if you're in to this sort of thing.Ambient Noise Score: 4.7 (loud canons, people yelling "Fire!")Ambient Smell Score: 4.1 (gunpowder, smoke)Fart Confidence Score: 8.8
Stephen Wolfe / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: swolfe

Convenient if you're in to this sort of thing.

Ambient Noise Score: 4.7 (loud canons, people yelling "Fire!")

Ambient Smell Score: 4.1 (gunpowder, smoke)

Fart Confidence Score: 8.8

4. Hollister:

Hanna-Barbera Productions / Via

You will literally offend no one if you fart here.

Existing Ambient Loudness Score: 4.1 (loud Top 40 music)

Existing Ambient Smell Score: 4.9 (cologne, hormones)

Fart Confidence Score: 9.0

3. A Phish Concert:

CBS / Via

Loud Music + Patchouli + Pot Smoke + Dancing = Perfect Spot

Ambient Loudness Score: 4.8 (20 min loud uninterrupted jams, cheering)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.7 (patchouli, pot, body odor)

Fart Confidence Score: 9.5

2. Coachella:


See above, add perfume, fedoras.

Ambient Noise Score: 4.9 (loud music, cheering)

Ambient Smell Score: 4.9 (patchouli, pot, body odor, perfume)

Fart Confidence Score: 9.8

1. Abercrombie & Fitch:


It's a shame there's no reason to actually go in here otherwise, as this is the perfect spot to fart in public.

Ambient Noise Score: 5.0 (deafening club music)

Ambient Smell Score: 5.0 (cologne, mahogany)

Fart Confidence Score: 10.0

This list was scored based on this Reddit thread. People are visiting stores and "Aber-crop dusting." Follow all developments on #FitchFarts.

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