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12 Trees That Would Be Getting Tons Of Ass If They Were Human

Let’s face it: Trees would be sexy as hell if they were human.

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1. The General


Sir, yes, sir! Look how this one stands at attention. No doubt that if it were returning from active duty, as a human solider of course, there would be a crowd of people just waiting to get it into bed.

Amount of ass: 6 kilos

2. The Artist


Just look at how green those leaves are! That’s definitely the work of an artist. People love bedding artists. So there’s no doubt if this tree transformed into a human it would own a cool loft in Soho with a revolving door of sweet, sweet ass.

Amount of ass: 5 metric tons

3. The Eccentric


This one is all over the place! That may turn a lot of people off from this tree in its fully realized human form. However, others want and need that lack of structure in their lives. This is the type of tree that shows up to your office and says, “Let’s go to the beach!” and you just stop what you’re doing and hop onto its moped.

Amount of ass: About equal to a herd of buffalo


4. The Norman

Mayang Adnin And William Smith / Via

We’ve all met a Norman: the dependable and trustworthy guy we just can’t see being romantic with. But then in middle age, things change. We want the stability of Norman. And would you look at that? This tree, again, as a human, is batting them away with a stick (from another tree).

Amount of ass: 200 pounds with Jupiter’s gravity

5. The Hippie


Free love! That already means tons of ass — like the ‘60s in San Francisco. But this tree as a human, with a cool vest and long hair, would also attract all the non-hippie types. Maybe even Wall Street types — and their spouses.

Amount of ass: About the same as 2,000 jars of crunchy peanut butter

6. The Loner


“I don’t need friends!” this tree would say once it gained a mouth and all other features of a human. But there’s NO WAY this tree is sleeping alone. It probably has a lot of orgies, too. So, the point is, don’t judge this tree because it has no friends. It could still get tons of top-notch tail.

Amount of ass: More than would be allowed on most residential roadways

7. The Home Owner


Nothing says financial security like home ownership. And nothing gets the blood flowing like a 20-year fixed-rate mortgage. This tree, as a human because only humans can sign mortgages, has it all! And since it splurged on a three-bedroom, two-bath, it can have tons of sex parties whenever it wants.

Amount of ass: The exact gross tonnage as the Space Shuttle


8. The Well-Endowed


Let’s cut to the chase because we’re all thinking it: Root structure totally equates to penis size. So, as a human male, this tree would be swinging lots of pipe — enough to do classy porn if it chose to. But most likely it would be low-key about it, then BLAM! Huge-penis surprise.

Amount of ass: Enough to displace 500 gallons of water

9. The Old Faithful


This tree has been around the block. Well, it's human version has anyway because trees obviously don't have legs. It knows all the bedroom tricks, things most people would never think of in terms of leg positions and degrees of entry. So it shouldn't be a surprise when there's a line miles long to get a chance to be turned inside out by Old Faithful.

Amount of ass: Basically the weight of a truck with lots of Oreo boxes

10. The Ginger


The carpet absolutely matches the drapes! And some people are really into that (for people, not trees). Whatever. This tree does absolutely not need to justify itself as it rolls around with yet another young stud.

Amount of ass: Your weight if you held your entire soccer team

11. The Swimmer


Broad shoulders and great abs? Yes. That’s what this tree would have as an Olympic swimmer. Well, that body, and all the primo ass that comes along with it. We only hope all of this tree’s lovers can hold their breath for hours of ecstasy.

Amount of ass: Equivalent to a hydrogen bomb’s total mass

12. The Hipster

Louis Dallara / Via

This tree sports lots of foliage (hair) where it counts (beard and chest). And who doesn’t like curling up next to that and listening to some vintage records? The only thing this tree demands is a chill vibe and an appetite for sexual exploration, as if there were any other option.

Amount of ass: The weight of the polar ice caps, pre-global warming

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