Thom Browne's spring/summer 2014 menswear show took place at l'École Militaire, architecturally iconic military school in central Paris.
Browne, a designer renowned for designs both fantastic and fantastical, took military tailoring and ornamentation as his collection's starting point — and developed the theme to a place sure to haunt "Don't Ask Don't Tell" repeal opponents' dreams. Nightmares, really. Dark, dark nightmares that are quite possibly a little bit arousing but you can't tell anyone about that because then "the homosexual agenda" has won again.
Besides, how can our armies keep us safe if they're taking breaks in the trenches to re-apply their lipstick? (A quick point of clarification: that's a wholly facetious question.)
2. The show opened with two models stomping up and down the catwalk in red, white and blue leather ensembles, to that tune the Flying Monkeys march to in The Wizard of Oz.
3. Browne's well-dressed regiment then walked in the fanciest, finest takes on military attire since cavalry charges died out.
4. Look at the lovely frilly socks here.
5. Look at the lovely lace detailing on those shorts.
6. Look at the lovely bright red lipstick, which matches the sharply-tailored military jacket just so.
7. Look at this lovely sleeveless frock coat and it's quintessentially Thom Browne striped lining.
8. Look at the lovely, jaunty gold buttons around this jacket's nipped, high waist. Very flattering.
9. Look at the lovely, no, fabulous embroidered anchors.
10. And look at these lovely, billowy flared pants.
11. Also, take a closer look at the crystalline embroidered anchors here too.
12. Pick a detail, any detail. They're all fabulous.
13. And the floppy fan pleating here in lieu of traditional military shoulderpad finery is fantastic.
14. Sure, you can't actually have thighs if you want to wear these pants and not look like a pair of baby belugas are clinging to your waistline, but that's ok.
15. Oh yes, and the models' makeup: flawless. Keeping foundation that smooth on a hot day in Paris is no small feat, either.
16. Again, flawless. (The makeup and that jawline.)
17. OSTRICH FEATHERS HAPPENED.
18. Once all the looks had walked, the models stood to attention in what's most definitely the most passing out parade ever.
19. You might just be passing out from the level of high-camp glamour on display, in fact.
But the show wasn't quite over.
Thank goodness. I wish it had never ended, and that I'd be attending flouncy West Point cadets' balls with the runway models forever and ever and always slow dancing to songs by Taylor Swift.