31 Tweets That Know You Better Than You Know Yourself

    The ACCURACY.

    1.

    therapist: you need to open up more me: i can’t therapist: why not me: let me visualise it for you

    2.

    me, at a club: do you take requests? DJ: yeah what’s up me: *slides over $10* please turn it down

    3.

    i get so mad when people ask what i’m gonna do on my day off!!!! bitch i’m gonna recover from all my days on

    4.

    My customer service voice is the fakest bitch. I don’t know her

    5.

    8 year old me when my mum made me ring people to thank them for my birthday presents

    Twitter: @AndyLeeman91

    6.

    The most important thing I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think

    7.

    You're never too old to say "horses" when you drive past some horses

    8.

    9.

    if I tell you I'm 5 minutes away and you believe me that is your own personal problem

    10.

    Me checking my bank account and calling my friends to make plans anyway

    11.

    Sorry i'm late I sat on my bed in a towel for an hour staring at the wall

    12.

    I'd rather die than make two trips carrying in groceries!

    13.

    14.

    I took a side profile to see how my nose looked and idk what I was expecting to see but I think I just hurt my own feelings

    15.

    I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

    16.

    When I say “I’ll let you know”...

    17.

    2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone* 2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

    18.

    Once u pass 27, every day becomes a game of “am I sick or is this just how I am now”

    19.

    Wanna feel attacked???? Wear ripped jeans to any family event

    20.

    My debit card feels more like a gift card...not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try

    21.

    22.

    Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea

    23.

    24.

    ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch

    25.

    When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved

    26.

    It’s like ... you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.

    27.

    me driving: “i’ll hit you bitch” me walking: “hit me bitch”

    28.

    You know how when you're a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That's annoying.

    29.

    i just don’t think we should be expected to do something every day

    30.

    “you always look tired” BECAUSE I AM TIRED BITCH

    31.

    is anyone else going through life like “yeah I just gotta get past this week then it’ll all be fine from there!” but like... every week