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21 Thoughts You Have When You Watch "Titanic" For The First Time

♫ My heart will go on. ♫ And so will this movie, FOREVER.

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Hi, we're Alex and Sam, two "adults" who had somehow made it to 2015 without seeing Titanic and decided to fire up the Blu-ray and put in the ∞ hour commitment. This is our story.

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For starters, here's what we knew going in.

Sam:

Leo!!!!!! Also, Kate Winslet. I have a SINKING suspicion there isn't a happy ending. Also, that Britney Spears music video!!! I think we might end up seeing Kate Winslet's boobs. Also Bill Paxton!!! James Cameron. Lots of Oscars.

Alex:

That Celine Dion song. Is it in the movie though? The ship sinks, I'm pretty sure. "I'm the King of the World!" That's about all I know.

And here's what we learned after popping our Titanic cherries...

1. Bill Paxton looks fucking silly.

Paramount Pictures

"Bill Paxton looks like a total surfer bro. And not in a sexy way."

"With horrible piercings. :( His hair is awful. Some things are best left in the past, like ships at the bottom of the ocean, and late '90s style."

2. The music is ridiiiiculous.

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Two words: PAN. FLUTES.

Leo sees Kate. *CUE PAN FLUTES*

Kate contemplates suicide. *CUE PAN FLUTES*

“Hello, Jack. I’ve changed my mind.” *CUE PAN FLUTES*

(Closing montage of a bunch of nonsense.) *CUE PAN FLUTES*

3. But what we're really here for? CELINE. MOTHERFUCKING. DION.

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"I think I'm crying from just hearing this song. But it also might be the wasabi from the sushi I'm eating."

SO MANY FEELINGS!!!

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4. Everything. Takes. FOREVER.

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"Forty-five minutes in, ship JUST set sail."

"OMG the 'king of the world' quote already? There’s like 329,8723 hours left."

"This slow sinking thing is VERY boring."

"Really wish this ship would sink faster. One to two hours? It’s almost my bedtime!"

"This is an action movie in slow motion."

"I feel like this is excessive? Like… the ship sinks."

"Ugh, Jack just die."

5. No one else can touch Kathy Bates.

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"Kinda wish this movie was just Leo and Kathy Bates hanging out, tbh."

"WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULDN’T HAVE TEA WITH KATHY BATES."

"She is a national treasure."

"I learned almost nothing from watching this movie, but one thing I DID learn: Do NOT fuck with Kathy Bates."

6. Kate's fashion is... interesting.

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"I feel like she's serving up some budget Downton Abbey realness. And that's like, not a good thing."

"It looks like her aesthetic is Pinterest Curtain Ideas."

7. The CGI is cringeworthy.

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"The 'Do you trust me?' scene is sub-Windows 98 screensaver. The sky looks like they used the Toaster filter."

"Like I get that it was 1997, but Jurassic Park is an even older movie and those dinos look REAL. This was an EXPENSIVE movie and it looks like James Cameron told a group of second graders to animate the thing."

8. Young Leo, man. *fans self*

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"Suspenders are a tough look to pull off, but ~young Leo~."

"I can’t get over how dreamy Leo is. I totally get the Leo obsession!"

"LEO DICAPRIO IN A TUX MURDER ME (like in a sex way)."

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9. Billy Zane is a very convincing creep.

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"Can’t tell if Billy Zane is pissed or eyebrows."

"Billy Zane has eyebrow wigs. I’m convinced."

"Billy Zane, serving up some Hall-of-Fame douche realness!"

10. Rose's mom suuuuuuuucks.

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"I feel like this movie is a bunch of judgmental glances from Rose’s mom, interspersed with the 'plot'?"

"Rose’s mom watching the ship sink, like, 'Oops, I shouldn’t have been so TERRIBLE.'"

"Although she might have the ONE line in the entire damn movie that actually makes sense: 'The purpose of university is to find a suitable husband.' Yes, we're ALL about that MRS degree."

11. There is so much foreshadowing. We get it. The damn ship sinks.

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"LOL the irony!!! Leo 'won' a ticket on the doomed ship. AND nearly misses the launch! I believe that’s what we call a 'cruel irony.' Slash a plot device."

"LOL at Billy Zane for making fun of Picasso. Joke's on you, buddy! You’re the one on the S.S. Death Ship."

"Also, to everyone on the ship whining about the lifeboats taking up deck space: LOL JOKE'S ON ALL U PPL."

12. Leo and Kate have legit, legit chemistry.

Paramount Pictures / Via caaarpiediem.tumblr.com

"Jack pulled over that couch for Rose to lay on with the thirst of a college freshman."

"Sex scene Leo and Kate are SWEATING. This is hot."

"I seriously get why people ship them now. Except unfortunately that ship sank."

13. The dialogue is... not awesome.

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"I could throw some of those alphabet magnets onto my fridge and come up with better dialogue."

This movie won an Oscar. -_-

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14. The Painting Scene really is something.

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"Oh yeah, Leo does nudes. ;)"

"'I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.' GASPPPPP THAT’S WHAT THIS IS FROM."

"Now I remember in first grade some of my friends saw this and like, it was a BIG deal to see boobs!"

16. THAT SEX SCENE THOUGH!!!

Paramount

"I feel like ppl really built up this sex scene. And I get it! It's hot. Although to be fair, car sex usually doesn't go that smooth."

"What I don't get is how Rose's hand is free. Like, shouldn't she be using it for something else? Jack Dawson is a Grade-A slab of beef! You should be feeling him with every appendage possible!"

17. Which probably explains why Old Rose is also Raunchy Rose.

Paramount

"I mean, first she shows her granddaughter her old-fashioned nudes, and then she spins a four-hour yarn peppered with hookup stories involving Leo DiCaprio on the 'Ship of Dreams.' Yeah, I don't blame her for being horned up."

18. This movie is basically three hours of white people making bad decisions.

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Interspersed with shots of Rose's mom's resting bitch face, Billy Zane being a douche, and Rose and Jack ~doing the nasty~.

19. Kate totally had space for Leo at the end!!!

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"Maybe Jack... got cold feet!"

"Rose is like, 'It's so cold.' Um YEAH you hit an iceberg and now you're floating in the North Atlantic???"

“I love you, but I’m not scooting over on this raft.”

20. Rose is like, pretty much the biggest douche ever.

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"At least we got a pretty decent Britney Spears song out of her dropping the priceless gem down to the bottom of the ocean."

21. Also, no one seems to remember this part: THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE BUT IT WON A TON OF OSCARS.

AFP / Getty Images TIMOTHY A. CLARY

"We just spent three hours of our lives watching this..."

"...and we'll never get it back!"

*both of us erupt into maniacal laughter*

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