Leslie Knope - Gryffindor
We have to start here, of course, but Leslie is hardly an easy Sorting. Throughout the entire run of the series, Leslie has exemplified every virtue and vice from each House. You can argue that she's dictated mostly by her ambition, and Sort her into Slytherin. You can say she'd be a Cedric Diggory-type of Hufflepuff. She could fit into any of the Houses just fine. Though, she’s hinted throughout Parks that she’d want to be in Gryffindor (even explicitly stating that she would be the Gryffindor seeker), so — like the Sorting Hat did with Harry — we’re going to have to honor her wish and place her in Gryffindor.
Ann Perkins - Hufflepuff
Leslie’s BFF is much easier to Sort; Ann Perkins is Hufflepuff through and through. She’s practical, often feeling challenged by the absurdities that are the Pawnee city government — whether that’s filling a hole in a lot, or trying to find a way to stop Pawnee citizens from putting their entire mouths on water fountainheads. She’s not the biggest risk-taker, preferring to stay at her nursing job longer than she probably should have. But, most importantly, she’s fiercely loyal to the ones she loves, especially Leslie.
Ben Wyatt - Ravenclaw
When Ben first arrives in Pawnee, he has questions. Arguably one of the most analytical characters on the show, it makes perfect sense that Ben Wyatt would thrive in Ravenclaw. He’s meek, but not afraid to relish in the nerdier things that occupy his thoughts and passions. He’ll generally go out of his way to avoid conflict (so much so that he’s even afraid of cops). The only trouble he might have is getting into the Ravenclaw common room since riddles don’t seem to be his forte (though to be fair to Ben, Leslie’s riddles might be on a whole different level).
Ron Swanson - Ravenclaw
Speaking of riddles, Ron Swanson would have no problem getting into the Ravenclaw common room. And yes, we’re Sorting him into Ravenclaw. Now, a lot of people might think Ron would be a Gryffindor, but we’d argue that — if you really think about what Gryffindors value in themselves — you’d see that Ron is much more of a Ravenclaw than a Gryffindor: he has no dreams of personal glory; he’s daring and chivalrous, but he’s much more individualistic and solitary; and he has an insatiable knowledge for the things that he does care about.
Chris Traeger - Hufflepuff
Chris is literally Hufflepuff. He cares about himself, but it’s never in purely selfish way that would befit a Gryffindor or Slytherin. And really, he cares more about everyone else performing at their 100% best; he tries to make others on his team shine. He tries to inspire others, without needing to be the source of their inspiration. Chris exudes friendship (maybe even more consistently than Leslie), so there’s no better place than Hufflepuff for him.
Tom Haverford - Slytherin
Tom is our first Slytherin in Pawnee, Indiana. Though he can say some ridiculous things, in his heart, Tom is deeply motivated by a fear of embarrassment (going so far as to hide his job after Entertainment 720 declares bankruptcy). He wants to be successful, but he doesn’t want to mess up along the way. He has the swagger, ambition, cunning, and ability to take risks that eventually propel him to success and happiness at the end of the show, but throughout, it’s obvious that his showmanship and silly antics are a way of trying to make peace with the idea that this city government job might be all he’ll ever have.
April Ludgate - Ravenclaw
Some might Sort April into Slytherin, but she’s more of a Ravenclaw in our opinion. April is a very cerebral character in Parks, and definitely introverted, preferring time spent alone (or with only Andy). She has an unparalleled wit compared to the rest of the Pawnee citizens, and wholeheartedly expresses her individualism, caring very little (or at all) what people might think of all the crazy things she does or says. And while some may say she likes being around her kind (like a true Slytherin), we'd argue that she likes being around people who are less like herself, or why else would she have the friend group she has? You might also fault her for not having certain Ravenclaw characteristics (namely, a desire to achieve or thinking very little of her future) in the beginning of the show. But as one of the characters that grows the most in the series, it’s hard to say the same about her at the end — when she’s her full-fledged Ravenclaw self.
Andy Dwyer - Hufflepuff
Good-natured, fun, and lovable, Andy couldn't possibly be Sorted into any other House besides Hufflepuff. We imagine that the Sorting Hat wouldn't even need to be placed on Andy's head before yelling out, "Hufflepuff!" because you can sense his trustworthiness, his loyalty, and his dedication a mile away. Andy is a living, breathing hug walking around Pawnee, so he'd be sporting yellow and black at Hogwarts. (Side note: His Patronus would definitely be Champion, right?)
Donna Meagle - Gryffindor
Some might say Slytherin for Donna, but she's definitely more Gryffindor. More than anything, Donna has always been completely confident in herself; she knows who she is and has never had any problems accepting herself. She wants glory and attention, and she gets it by being her beautiful, boisterous, confident self. Donna Meagle gets hers.
Garry (or Jerry or Terry or Larry) Gergich - Hufflepuff
Another Hufflepuff for the main Parks and Rec gang (which might be why they get along so well)! In this show, the Hufflepuffs are clearly Hufflepuffs. And Garry/Jerry/Terry/Larry Gergich is clearly a Hufflepuff. As the constant source of jokes for his friends, it can be tough being Garry/Jerry/Terry/Larry. But because he's got such a kind and welcoming heart, Garry/Jerry/Terry/Larry just loves that he can make them happy. He just loves his friends.
Jean-Ralphio Saperstein - Gryffindor
Jean-Ralphio in Gryffindor?! Now, I don't know how long he'd stay at Hogwarts (it's very doubtful that he'd make it seven years), but he would definitely be Sorted, and we think that the Sorting Hat would place him in Gryffindor. The thing about Jean-Ralphio is that, while he's selfish and fake, he's not very good at getting what he wants. He tries, but he ultimately fails. But what lies beneath those attempts is a daring bravado — a risk-taker's mentality. He's self-assured and thinks he can make something out of himself (with the help of his dad's money), which is Gryffindor, in our opinion.
Craig Middlebrooks - Slytherin
Craig Middlebrooks would definitely be Sorted into Slytherin. Yeah, he can be a bit much sometimes (read: all the time), but you have to admit that his ability to be cruelly honest is admirable in some regard. With Craig, you know exactly where you stand because he will have already let you know in a very loud, unnecessary tone. Craig knows how to get things done; he knows how to work the system and he will do it to get what he wants. Craig's also very particular about the company he keeps because those are the people who don't bother him... that much.
Diane Lewis - Gryffindor
Yes, in the Season 5 episode "Ron and Diane," Diane herself says that although she would want to say Gryffindor, she'd probably be in Hufflepuff. While we think she would make a wonderful Hufflepuff, we would Sort her into Gryffindor. We respected Leslie's wishes, but Diane is one of the most quietly powerful and confident ladies in Parks and Rec, and she could absolutely thrive in Gryffindor. As a badass single mom of two and vice principal, Diane has the strength to keep the lives of her loved ones safe.
Tammy 1 - Slytherin
Tammy 1 is an easy Slytherin. It's because she's the most complete Slytherin on the show. Just look at that range of emotions in her stoic, calculating face. Tammy 1 is truly terrifying, but the fear comes out of respect for how crazy intelligent and sharp she is. She's a mastermind the way she can control Ron. She's brilliant. She's outright Machiavellian. She's a Slytherin.
Tammy 2 - Slytherin
Although not as slippery and sly as Tammy 1, Tammy 2 is still a Slytherin due to her powers of manipulation. Like Tammy 1, she knows how to get Ron to do what she wants. What's more, both Tammy 1 and Tammy 2 tend to live more in the past, like most Slytherins. Tammy 2 isn't so much concerned about a future with Ron so much as getting back to the past thrills they've had. She lives in the moment — wants in the present what she had before — which is why she would be Sorted into Slytherin.
Lucy - Hufflepuff
To be honest, Lucy is a tough one to peg down. She doesn't outright show Slytherin and Ravenclaw characteristics, so we can narrow it down between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. She never seems to have an agenda in the show, and is the happy-go-lucky compliment to Tom's (reckless) ambition, so we'd Sort her into Hufflepuff. More than anything, Lucy just wants to have a relaxing, good time with people she enjoys — a refreshing lack of crazy silliness and neurosis.
Mark "Brendanaquitz" - Gryffindor
Every Parks and Rec fan wonders what the show would've been like had Mark Brendanawicz not quit to go work in the private sector. Brendanawicz was quiet, but incredibly self-confident and self-assured, so much so that it could've been mistaken for humility. For that reason, we would Sort Mark into Gryffindor. He was popular, and the ladies of Pawnee couldn't get enough of him, which created a bit of an ego before he met Ann Perkins who wasn't having any of his shit.
Jeremy Jamm - Slytherin
Would Jeremy Jamm be in any House besides Slytherin? It seems impossible that the Sorting Hat would Sort him into anything else. Now, Slytherin gets a bad reputation because it takes in the Jeremy Jamm-types of the world: self-obsessed, vain, looking to better their ends. Though the worst Gryffindors fit that type as well, Jeremy's attraction to deceit would mean he'd be eating at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall.
Joan Callamezzo - Gryffindor
Joan is spunky and tenacious, so we would Sort her in Gryffindor. She loves being in the limelight (even in some of her less-than stellar moments) and the limelight loves her. There's no pretense to her want of attention, and the people of Pawnee are happy to give it to her. In Pawnee, Joan has been able to cultivate a following of people who love what she loves, which is what some Gryffindors want at the end of the day.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep - Ravenclaw
Another one of Pawnee's media superstars, Shauna Malwae-Tweep is a reporter for the Pawnee Journal. We believe Shauna would find herself in the Ravenclaw common room. Her curious, inquisitive nature is exemplified by her reporting instincts, wanting to find the truth behind whatever Leslie is telling her to cover up the truth of her silly mistake. As we spend more time with her over the course of the show, we also learn that she has a bit of an awkward side that her fellow Ravenclaws would embrace wholeheartedly.
Perd Hapley - Hufflepuff
One of the last major media characters in Pawnee, Perd Hapley is hard not to love so we're sorting him in Hufflepuff. He's beloved by everyone in Pawnee, and you can tell he's happy right where he is: the face of Pawnee news. Although he can be gullible and susceptible to rumors and outside opinion, we believe it'd be hard to find a wholly negative personality trait in Perd Hapley, just like most Hufflepuffs.
Orin - Ravenclaw
Oh, Orin. Simply being friends with Orin is another testament to April's Ravenclaw-esque tolerance of ideas, because this guy certainly has them. He doesn't express them much at all (saying very little throughout Parks and Rec), but he definitely is constantly thinking in ways that the city of Pawnee, Indiana just doesn't understand. For those reasons, Orin would be Sorted into Ravenclaw where he would feel accepted by his peers.
Greg Pikitis - Slytherin
Much to Leslie's dismay, we don't believe Greg Pikitis is wholly evil. What's more, we think he embodies the better characteristics of Slytherin, but chooses to channel them into trickery and pettiness. Put simply, Greg Pikitis is smooth, clever, and deft. Which one of you would be able to craft such an elaborate, well-executed prank at the age of 15 AND have the steely demeanor to act like you did nothing wrong in the face of Leslie's wrath and Burt freaking Macklin? We're willing to guess just you fellow Slytherins.
DJ Roomba - Ravenclaw
So we're Sorting DJ Roomba just on the basis that it's a non-sentient robot that plays music. That description feels most like a Ravenclaw as we believe DJ Roomba must adhere to a strict, mechanical logic when cleaning carpets and must use an algorithm to play random music.
Joey - Gryffindor
So to the non-hardcore Parks fans, Joey is that random kid who breaks his arm when trying to jump the fence Eagleton creates around Lafayette Park to keep Pawnee citizens outside of it. Joey's sense of adventure and brashness would certainly put him in Gryffindor. We also think he would've got along with the Weasley twins because Eagletonians saw him selling fireworks. Freaking Joey.
Champion - Hufflepuff
Champion is one of the most lovable dogs of all dogkind. Hufflepuff, that is all.
Li'l Sebastian - Gryffindor
We would be remiss if we didn't include the Spirit of Pawnee himself: Li'l Sebastian. Triumphant, bold, and universally loved (YOU LOVE HIM, BEN) despite his size, Li'l Sebastian is not only the symbol of Pawnee, Indiana, but of every Gryffindor to be Sorted into the House.