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27 Comedians On Twitter Who Are Funnier Than You

Can you judge a stand up comedian by their tweets?

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1. Karl Chandler

Tattoos are great for preserving memories, otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor.

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2. Tommy Dassalo

The news that the Big Day Out will not be happening in 2015 has sent the Australian Flag Cape industry into a tailspin.

3. Becky Lucas

Can't wait to die so I don't have to create any more usernames and passwords.

4. Tommy Little

My tolerance for arseholes is pretty low unless they have a pool. If you're an arsehole with a pool I would still like to be friends please.

5. Laura Davis

#Women who say that they're against #feminism because they LIKE to cook can f*** off & go bake the rest of us rape whistles out of marzipan.

6. Dave Callan

Whenever someone does a racist rant explosion on public transport they should have to swap their place in society with an asylum seeker

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7. Jennifer Wong

Do you have to pay your HECS debt if you're not clinically dead, but you're dead inside? Asking for a loan.

8. Hannah Gadsby

wombats let all animals use their burrows during bush fires. see... not all Australians are racist at tough times.

9. Gen Fricker

Just saw 50 Shades of Grey and my pussy is drier than Oscar Wilde

10. Tim Ferguson

BREAKING: PM Promises Good Government Starts Monday, Tuesday At The Latest, Lock It In Wednesday or COB Thursday. Or Friday. Week. #auspol

11. Michael Hing

Don't date anyone who hasn't watched the first 5 seasons of The Simpsons. They have important work to do and you'll just be a distraction.

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12. Fiona O'Loughlin

Clooney's getting married, Pam Anderson's divorcing, Lara Bingles not pregnant & I just pray the Syrian Refugees aren't missing any of this

13. Em Rusciano

Taking selfies in front of a hostage situation? It may be time to re-evaluate your life choices and to punch yourself in the throat.

14. Alasdair Tremblay-Burchall

15. Matt Okine

Hey cadbury, if moro bars are such a 'favourite', how come nobody sells normal sized one?

16. Anne Edmonds

Mum with the sushi platter for kids at brunswick pool, let them have a packet of burger rings & 2 Cornettos. Let em live! Let em spew!

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17. Shane Matheson

I can't think of a daylight savings joke. Give me an hour.

18. Ronny Chieng

People upset that there's no hoverboard in 2015 - were you also upset that there was no time machine DeLorean in 1985? #BackToTheFuture

19. Tom Ballard

I can't believe someone vandalised Captain Cook's cottage, I hate it when people go onto other people's property and mess it up

20. Jazz Twemlow

Scientists show link between vaccination and children living long enough to become anti-vaxxers in adulthood. #vaccination

21. Daniel Townes

If you think labradoodle sounds ridiculous, the alternative is poodor.

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22. Demi Lardner

LIFEHACK: just fucking steal stuff I don't know who cares we're all goddamn animals

23. Xavier Michelides

You can lead a horse to water... and tickle his balls, it's all part of our 'no questions asked' holiday package.

24. Nellie White

so unfair that my male housemates get to wander around shirtless and I have to wear these damn nip tassles

25. Lee Naimo

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Put a headache on the Atkins Diet. Make a sore toe a cup of tea. Invite an eye infection over for Sunday Roast.

26. Zoe Coombs Marr

Pope deems gay marriage "unnatural", whilst sitting celibate on a throne in a bonnet celebrating magic virgin birth.

27. Michael Workman

If there were a competition for most jealous person, would the runner up automatically win?

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