1. Male common marmosets, at least in captivity, have been known to suck their own dicks when they are unable to mate in their social group.
2. Smaller male marine iguanas will often masturbate before mating with a female so they can ejaculate faster, as they are often pushed away by larger males before they finish.
3. It is not unheard of for a female orangutan to initiate sex with a male by creepin' up on him and masturbating near him.
4. Also, both male and female orangutans use leaves and twigs to help them stimulate their private bits.
5. Sometimes, Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphins just kinda splooge without any clear reason.
6. Not to be outdone, male spotted dolphins masturbate by sticking their dicks in the sand and moving back and forth. Females also masturbate with sand — they just rub up against it.
7. According to Jane Goodall, female chimps sometimes "finger and tickle their genitals."
8. Spider monkeys are not above using their prehensile tail to masturbate.
9. Male horses often masturbate without their limbs by just kinda bouncing their dicks against their stomachs.
Seriously, that's what vets call it!
10. Female chimps have been observed using mangos to masturbate.
11. Male African ground squirrels masturbate all the time. Some researchers think this is a cleaning adaptation that prevents squirrel STIs.
12. Male alpine ibexes will sometimes try masturbating around a female in an effort to win her favor.
13. Male stump-tail macaques like to masturbate while staring at a female and chattering their teeth.
The message? You do you this Valentine's Day. You do you...
Science Writer, Fossil Beastmaster
Contact Alex Kasprak at email@example.com.
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