13 Animal Masturbation Facts That Will Make You Feel Better About Being Single AF

You do you!

1. Male common marmosets, at least in captivity, have been known to suck their own dicks when they are unable to mate in their social group.

Giorgio Quattrone / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: gio71

Next time, buddy, next time.

2. Smaller male marine iguanas will often masturbate before mating with a female so they can ejaculate faster, as they are often pushed away by larger males before they finish.

Rodrigo Buendia / AFP / Getty Images

“Not today, larger males, not today…”

3. It is not unheard of for a female orangutan to initiate sex with a male by creepin’ up on him and masturbating near him.

Guillaume Souvant / AFP / Getty Images

“Oh haiiii…”

4. Also, both male and female orangutans use leaves and twigs to help them stimulate their private bits.

Daniel Hermanns / Via Flickr: danielhermanns

“Well, I guess I know what I’m doing tonight…”

5. Sometimes, Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphins just kinda splooge without any clear reason.

Medioimages / Getty Images

Don’t wan’t to know what these guys are so excited about…

WTF does a random splooging dolphin look like, you ask? Like this:

Morisaka T, Sakai M, Kogi K, Nakasuji A, Sakakibara K, Kasanuki Y, et al. (2013) / Via doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0072879.g001

Thanks, science!

6. Not to be outdone, male spotted dolphins masturbate by sticking their dicks in the sand and moving back and forth. Females also masturbate with sand — they just rub up against it.

Gavin Harrison / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 127571786@N07

“OH SHIT! SAND!”

7. According to Jane Goodall, female chimps sometimes “finger and tickle their genitals.”

Tambako The Jaguar / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: tambako

“Oh, nothing… Just some light fingering and tickling today — what about you?”

8. Spider monkeys are not above using their prehensile tail to masturbate.

Gordon Wrigley / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: tolomea

“Ooh, I am so going to get some tail tonight.”

9. Male horses often masturbate without their limbs by just kinda bouncing their dicks against their stomachs.

Hunter Desportes / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: hdport

“I dunno, Ed, might be time for a bit of the ol’ bounce and press.”

Seriously, that’s what vets call it!

Sue M. McDonnell / Via research.vet.upenn.edu

10. Female chimps have been observed using mangos to masturbate.

Jean-Francois Monier / AFP / Getty Images

Best. Gift. Ever.

11. Male African ground squirrels masturbate all the time. Some researchers think this is a cleaning adaptation that prevents squirrel STIs.

Pytyczech / Getty Images

Looks like the coast is clear for a little bit of STI screening, buddy.

12. Male alpine ibexes will sometimes try masturbating around a female in an effort to win her favor.

Frederic Jacobs / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 91027340@N03

“Whatchoo lookin’ at?”

13. Male stump-tail macaques like to masturbate while staring at a female and chattering their teeth.

Sebastian Niedlich / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 42311564@N00

“Hey girl… Netflix and chill?”

The message? You do you this Valentine’s Day. You do you…

belgianchocolate / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: frank-wouters

Literally! If you feel like it.

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