1. Being scared of spiders is perfectly natural and normal. It's the people who AREN'T afraid who are the weird ones.
If you ever meet anyone who isn't afraid of spiders, don't trust them.
2. You're tired of hearing people tell you how most spiders aren't poisonous, because you're not actually afraid of dying from a spider bite.
3. (Though if you do get a spider bite, you have a conniption just thinking about how and when that spider got to you without your notice)
Where is it? Is it still here? Can I still murder it?
4. Because – and people forget this – it is completely possible to DIE of a spider bite.
Brown recluse, anyone?
5. What you don't like about spiders is the way they look. Too many legs. Too many eyes. Enough.
What's wrong with six legs? Or four? Or none.
6. You probably can vividly recall the last time you saw or felt a spider crawling on you, and the memory chills you to the bone.
Sorry if you just shivered thinking about it.
7. You're frightened of how fast they move. How one second there's no spider and then –skitter skitter motherfucker– you've got a problem on your hands.
Don't get me started on the ones that fuckin' jump.
8. They're also so spindly-looking! What gives them the right to look so spiky and unwelcoming?
Maybe if they were covered in funky pink fur they're be more palatable to the eye, but no.
9. People who say that spiders are the "good kind of bugs" because they eat other bugs are kidding themselves and you don't listen to a single word they say.
NOT LISTENING
10. In fact, you'd take a biblical plague of insects over a single encounter with a spider.
All of the plagues, actually. Bring on the frogs and the famine.
11. You've heard nightmare stories about spiders showing up and ruining things, and they've put you off eating bananas...
12. going to the toilet...
13. and ever visiting the Amazon rainforest.
Wait did you just say PUPPY-SIZED?
14. You don't understand people who think that little fuzzy spiders are cute.
Like, even a hot ghost is still a ghost. I don't care how cute it is.
15. You firmly believe that people should post bold warnings on any links that contain pictures of spiders.
16. Because scrolling down and seeing a spider pic can make you drop your phone and proceed to flip out.
Scrolling, scrolling, scrol–OH GOD WHY NO GET IT AWAY.
17. The Halloween season is the worst time to be afraid of spiders.
Too spoopy.
18. Because people seem to think that making cutesy spider-shaped treats is a fun thing to do.
Don't put that in your mouth. It's inspired by Satan.
19. Or decorating all kinds of crazy shit with spiders. Why?!
"Hey, this thing is a common and realistic fear, let's throw it on everything" - jerks in the party decor industry.
20. Anyone else remember these horrifying spider rings?
Say it with me: fuck no.
21. And even if people don't decorate with spiders, they do that drapey cobweb stuff that makes you nervous just looking at it.
So stay strong through the Halloween season, spider-fearers. The worst is almost over.
...and look forward to the rest of the year of living in fear on these tiny, spindly hell-arachnids.
