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23 Revenge Fantasies Every Twentysomething Wishes Would Happen

When I write my memoir I will skewer you.

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1. Finding out that somebody you hate really wanted the job you have, and wearing some office swag the next time you see them.

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2. Or having someone who was mean to you at an old job come crawling back asking for a recommendation.

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3. Throwing a party on the same night as one of your nemeses and having cooler people show up to your shindig.

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4. Writing an incredibly popular and well-received book and holding a signing at a big store, then having your ex show up so you can write "Fuck You Very Much" in their $29 hardcover copy.

5. Having that book turned into a movie and casting your ex's favorite actor to play the character who is supposed to be you.

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6. Winning an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay for that movie and name-dropping that same ex. "Couldn't have done it without you!"

7. Becoming an expert in your field and being called back to speak at your school, where you walk by the professor who failed you on an essay and just give them a ~look.~

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8. Taking the song your least favorite coworker wanted to sing at karaoke night and NAILING IT.

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9. Just making so much money, so much. All of the money is yours now. Your haters can stuff it.

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10. Getting a text from someone who ghosted on you half a year ago and simply replying "Sorry, who is this?"

11. Becoming a famous musician and naming a chart-topping song after the person who broke your heart. Everyone rallies to your side.

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12. Bringing the hands-down best dish to a potluck and having your mom finally admit that she raised you right.

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13. Successfully telling your ex's new bae how awful they are in bed and basically making sure they never get a date again.

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14. Then going forth to date your ex's ex-bae and watch them crumble as you both find true love in one another.

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15. Getting a LinkedIn request from somebody you hated in high school and declining it.

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16. Somehow participating in a well-coordinated dance video that gets millions of hits on YouTube and ending up on Ellen, which your enemies watch religiously.

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17. Rescuing a small child from getting hit by a car so everyone sees how great you are.

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18. Getting famous on Instagram and realizing, to your delight, that all of the people you hate still follow you and see how cool you are.

19. Doing something so awesome your hometown newspaper covers it so everyone back home can see how much of a boss you are.

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20. Seeing someone you really dislike believe a satirical article on Facebook and being the first one to tell them that it's not real.

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21. Finding out late in life that you really are a wizard or witch and being magically talented and everyone is jealous.

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22. Burning your campus financial aid office to the ground while no one is inside, so no one gets hurt but they also lose all of your files.

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23. Becoming so radically self-actualized that other people's opinions can't harm you at all.

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