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25 Things That Will Absolutely NOT Happen On The "Gotham" Finale

We've all but given up on #Gobblepot.

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1. Gertrude Kabelput reveals that she is not actually Oswald's mother, but is actually Kimmy Schmidt's landlady playing an elaborate prank on a young, impressionable gangster.

2. Harvey Bullock and Alfred Pennyworth square off over who gets the honor of Fish Mooney's hand in marriage. She shoots the loser. And the winner. Because fuck you, that's why.

3. Someone at GCPD will solve a crime WITHOUT any help from Nygma. Any crime. Any crime at all.

4. Don Falcone calls a truce on the mob war, but only because the opera is in town and he scored sweet box seats to see their production of Gianni Snicchi.

5. Somebody takes pity on Victor Zsasz and just gives the man a muffin. He wants some jam to go with it.

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6. Ivy crawls out from underneath Barbara's bed, where she has been hiding for the past seven episodes. She's fine, just a little dehydrated.

7. Jim realizes that no one in Gotham supports him quite like Oswald supports him, and the Gobblepot shippers rejoice as they ride off into the sunset, like Danny and Sandy at the end of Grease.

8. Lee and Barbara are totally fine with this, more than fine even. Barbara gets back together with Renee, while Lee ends the season asking Ed Nygma out for a pity beer.

9. We get a good look at Lucius Fox's apartment and see, as an easter egg, a framed picture of his father: Morgan Freeman.

10. A scene taking place at Arkham shows that Jerome is channeling his homidical rage through the art form that is stick-and-poke tattoos. Everyone in the asylum is too nice to tell him he looks ridiculous.

11. Butch comes to his senses and gets revenge on Victor by stealing both of his girlfriends and touring the world as a three-piece dance crew. He tells people the V on his forehead stands for "vaudeville."

12. Alfred goes to jail for embezzling money from Bruce's trust fund. They never lay eyes on each other again.

13. The "rivers of blood in the streets" thing turns out to be kind of an exaggeration, it's more like rills/estuaries of blood in the streets if we're being honest about it.

14. Bruce starts getting serious about school, meaning he actually attends class at least once.

15. Ed Nygma's pity date with Lee goes so well, he's imbued with a new sense of confidence. He comes into work the next day having pulled a She's All That: no glasses and hair flowing free in the wind. Heartthrob status achieved.

16. Kris Kringle realizes too late the error of her ways, but quickly moves on to become a three-dimensional character who exists to do more than motivate a man to do bad things.

17. Oswald gets surgery to fix his limp, nobody really knows what to call him now. We tried "Ozzy" for a while but it didn't feel right.

18. All of Gotham PD chips in to buy Captain Essen a 365 day spa pass, so she can at least look forward to getting a massage the next time someone –looks at Jim Gordon– decides to derail her life by arresting the circus.

19. A post-credits sequence reveals that Gotham was just a backdoor pilot for Alvarez, a show about the hardest-working, handsomest, and least appreciated cop in Gotham City.

20. Bruce discovers a fully operational Batcave underneath his house and is surprised to see that Joseph Gordon-Levitt has been squatting in there for three years.

21. The Graysons have their baby and actually do name him Gordon. Go figure!

22. Barbara sells her apartment and goes all out with her new place, settling into a beautiful condo directly inside of Big Ben.

23. It's revealed that Selina Kyle has been a ghost the whole time.

24. Victor Zsasz winds up in the hospital with a raging tetanus infection. Just kidding, Victor is dead.

25. Nothing. Nothing happens. Fox airs 55 minutes of white noise and tells everyone to come back after baseball season.

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