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55 Thoughts All Romantically Incompetent People Want To Share

A series of thoughts and queries from the relationship-impaired.

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1. Hello, how do you date?

2. I am a sad, backwards, floppy little fish of a person and never learned how.

3. Will you teach me? Please say yes.

4. At what point in a conversation is it OK to let someone know that you are single?

5. I know it's weird to open up with "my capacity for love is both boundless and underutilized" but —at what point— is that not weird?

6. Also, when is the appropriate moment to let people know that they are (or are not) of my preferred orientation?

7. Because as a romantically incompetent person, I have been subject to many misunderstandings. Is that normal?

8. Oh.

9. What do you do when you see someone attractive?

10. Besides staring at them and willing them to come talk to you with your romantically competent mind-control rays?

11. And looking up their social media profiles to find out what they like so you can name-drop their favorite foods, movies, TV shows, childhood pets, and their shoe size when and if they ever speak to you?

12. Which they won't.

13. And if they do speak to you, how do you make your mouth do words?

14. My mouth doesn't do words well to begin with.

15. Throw in a cutie and I basically turn into Groot.

16. What are your strategies for combatting this problem?

17. What do you do if they are nice and want to hold a conversation with you?

18. I get heart palpitations just thinking about going out with a person I like.


19. Let's cut to the chase: am I attractive?

20. You can tell me, I can handle the truth.

21. My friends say I am and my mom says I am, but are those really reliable sources?

22. I think about this literally all the time.

23. Just lay it on me. I'd hate to waste your time if all of your advice will just be voided by the tragedy of my face.

24. Really?

25. Thank you. That was very nice of you to say.

26. I don't believe you at all but really, that was quite sweet.

27. How do you get someone to fall in love with you?

28. I fall in love like eighteen times a day, usually while riding public transportation.

29. I just want to be held, is that so much to ask for?

30. Someone to nuzzle my lil neck and who makes nice noises when I kiss them...

31. Oh right — what's the deal with kissing?

32. I mean I've kissed people before but I never feel like I really got it right, you know?

33. Well for starters my foot didn't pop and there were no fireworks.

34. Also when do you kiss?

35. Is it like a "whenever you feel like it" thing or do you schedule them or...?

36. Are there cue cards?

37. A lot of my problems could be solved with cue cards I think.

38. I should hire a troupe of love elves to follow me around and hold up signs that say "APPROACH WITH CARE" or "DEEP CONVERSATION" or "MAKE OUT."

39. Those last two are from the Kim Kardashian game. Full disclosure.

40. How do I let people know I'm interesting enough to date?

41. I am very concerned that I am secretly too uninteresting for a relationship.

42. It's gotten to the point where I think I could never date anyone who doesn't follow me on Twitter.

43. I am so funny on Twitter.

44. Not so much in real life.

45. Everyone is so interesting and I am basically a pile of mashed potatoes.

46. How do you let someone know that you want to date them and don't just want to be a friend?

47. Because whenever I try to date someone I just end up...friending around I guess.

48. Until I realize I don't want to date them anymore because we're really cool being friends.

49. Does that happen to anyone else or am I just weird?

50. Am I asking too many questions?

51. Oh, you have to go?

52. That's fine. I'll talk to you later.

53. What? No, I'm not doing anything on Friday.

54. A movie? With you?

55. I'd love to!