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How Are Your Football Team Going To Do This Weekend?

A totally scientific analysis. Only Premier League teams (for now).

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  1. 1. Who do you support?

    Arsenal
    Arsenal
    Aston Villa
    Aston Villa
    Bournemouth
    Bournemouth
    Chelsea
    Chelsea
    Crystal Palace
    Crystal Palace
    Everton
    Everton
    Leicester City
    Leicester City
    Liverpool
    Liverpool
    Manchester City
    Manchester City
    Manchester United
    Manchester United
    Newcastle United
    Newcastle United
    Norwich City
    Norwich City
    Southampton
    Southampton
    Stoke City
    Stoke City
    Sunderland
    Sunderland
    Swansea
    Swansea
    Tottenham
    Tottenham
    Watford
    Watford
    West Brom
    West Brom
    West Ham
    West Ham
    Neutral
    Neutral
  2. 2. How are you feeling about your chances this week?

    Shitting it – I think we're going to get hammered
    Quietly confident – I think we might surprise some people
    Hoping to continue our strong start to the season
    I think we'll smash it. No way will we lose
    Worried. It could go either way
    I'm confident, but then again I always am
    We're shit and we're going to lose again
    I'm a Premier League neutral, I just want to watch good football
  3. 3. How's your start to the season been, compared to your expectations?

    Amazing, not even I would have predicted this!
    We've been utter dogshit
    Not as good as I hoped, but we'll bring it back
    Pretty decent, about what I expected
    Solid, and it's too early to judge anyway
    We're doing better than we deserve to be
    I don't care about the results, but it's been a decent season so far
  4. 4. If you score a last-minute winner, how would you want it to go in?

    I don't care as long as we score
    A long-range screamer
    A long, silkily worked move
    A powerful header from our captain
    A lob from the halfway line
    A flukey handball that causes outrage
    We won't score a winner, we're shite
  5. 5. And finally, since football always includes a slice of luck, pick a number.

How Are Your Football Team Going To Do This Weekend?

You got: A 2-1 defeat

Bit gutting, this, especially as you could argue you deserved a point – if not all three. That's what the manager'll say, anyway.

A 2-1 defeat
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You got: A 1-0 defeat

A gutting last-minute winner is going to see your boys off. It'll hurt for a while, but you'll come back next week. Maybe.

A 1-0 defeat
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You got: A 5-0 drubbing

Best to just forget about this one, yeah?

A 5-0 drubbing
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You got: A 2-2 draw

You'll only come away with a point, but it's going to be a great game – something to build on next week.

A 2-2 draw
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You got: Football will be the winner

And that is all that matters.

Football will be the winner
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You got: A 1-0 win

You'll squeeze uneasily to a 1-0 win, but all three points, which is all that matters.

A 1-0 win
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You got: A 5-0 win

"We want six, we want six!" – that's what your fans will be singing, but I guess five will do.

A 5-0 win
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You got: A 2-0 win

A solid victory, never in doubt. Looks like you have a good weekend ahead.

A 2-0 win
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You got: A 2-1 win

You'll get all three points, but only just, and it might take a last-minute winner to seal it.

A 2-1 win
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