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17 Things Humanity Ruined In 2015

Everything is completely fucked.

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1. Pets

Pets are great – they're like humans except fluffier and cuddlier and you don't have to talk to them. We were very lucky to have pets. And then we ruined them, by putting stupid jewels over their arseholes and making them square.

2. Beards

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Beards were fine – they were always fine. They're just some hair that grows out of someone's face. Pretty inoffensive really. Except in 2015 people kept putting stupid shit in them, like flowers, and glitter, and coloured pencils meant for children. And now they're ruined.

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3. Colours

Instagram: @danielhowland

Colours. Actual colours. It was only two months into 2015 and we already somehow managed to ruin colours. Burn everything down.

6. Wine

Wine. In a can. For men. With some of the worst product blurb you will ever read, signalling the end of humanity.

Wine wasn't manly enough, apparently, so this year someone decided to put it in a can. A Mancan. A CAN for MEN. THIS IS NOT WINE, THIS IS MAN WINE, FOR MANLY MEN WHO LIKE BREAKING THINGS AND SETTING FIRE TO THEIR HAIR. MAN THINGS!

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8. Hoverboards

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The idea of a hoverboard is really cool – they're supposed to be like the thing Marty McFly rode around in Back to the Future – fun and awesome and something everyone should want. But at some point in 2015 we decided it was acceptable to call these shit things with WHEELS hoverboards, even though they cannot hover, not even a bit, and then sell them for like £100. Hoverboards = ruined.

9. Fingernails

Instagram: @queen_factory_ufa

Fingernails sound like such a hard thing to ruin. They are just useful things we have on our hands so we can open things and stuff. But no, somehow, in 2015, humanity managed to ruin fingernails. Nice one, jerks.

11. Drinking

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Drinking used to be a fun thing to do with your friends – in the pub, in a nightclub, even just at home. But now people want us to go and do it in the place you're supposed to take a shit. Ruined.

12. Wanking

Flickr: rossendalewadey / sickchirpse.com

There's nothing wrong with wanking, as long as you keep it to yourself, and maybe a significant other if you're lucky, and do it somewhere private. This guy did not stick to any of those rules and now it is ruined.

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This book is the worst. I'm so sorry. #Grey

Fifty Shades was bad enough, but then E.L. James released Grey and murdered the concept of sex in cold blood with her bare hands. It's over. No more sex ever again. E.L. James has managed to destroy the human race.

14. Satire

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Thanks solely to Donald Trump, who has managed to be so spectacularly racist it's impossible to make jokes more ridiculous than the things he actually said. Also he literally got attacked by a bald eagle which is the most symbolic thing that has ever happened.

16. Condoms

Condoms are really useful for things like not getting pregnant and making sure you don't catch STIs. Sadly in 2015 we decided to ruin them, so enjoy your gonnorhoea.

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