1.Contact lens jewellery – perfect for when you want to look like you're crying little pieces of plastic crap!
2.Pulling this out in public seems like a great idea. A REALLY GREAT IDEA.
3.Diet water! For when 0 is just too many calories.
4.GARDENING SLEEVES! SLEEVES FOR GARDENING! NOT NORMAL SLEEVES! GARDENING SLEEVES!
5.You know what's good? I'll tell you what's good. When you're out in public and an alarm goes off inside your baby's nappy letting everyone around you know that it has done a big shit. That's what's good.
6.Pets just love being smacked on the back with a sponge! They love it!
7.Sorry! You can't actually use the toilet at the moment. The cat is taking a shit in it.
8.Oh, and be careful of the dog, he's currently wandering around with a bag full of crap hanging out of his arse.
9.Sometimes you just have to take your goldfish for a walk!
10.Who needs a picnic blanket when you can just eat all your food off your own crotch? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS??!!
11.POP-UP PHOBIAS! IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
12."Sorry, Barbara, I'm not actually going to take that right turn we need to get you back to your house, I'm trying to eat my fucking dinner and I don't want it falling all over your lap."
13.Who else is now seriously regretting those six sit-ups they did last week? I KNOW I AM.
14.Sauna Pants! Become completely infertile in just three weeks!
15.Look at this "fully cooked" canned chicken and tell me you don't feel like a twat for eating normal food all your damn life.
16.You know what burgers need? MORE DEADLY EXHAUST FUMES.
17.Holding a can is the WORST! You know what's really fun? Carrying a stupid plastic handle thing around with you LITERALLY EVERYWHERE YOU GO just in case you decide at some point that you might like a cool refreshing drink of Diet Mountain Dew. So fun!
18.Inventing things is so cool! You almost never die at the end!
19."ESPECIALLY SUITABLE FOR DRUNK DRIVING."
20.You can either wear these with your partner, or put your legs through two holes and your arms through the other two and walk around like a dog. So versatile!
21."OH MY GOD, MARY, WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY A RAINBOW!"
22.You know what we should do with this really clever new thing? Turn it into one of those really bad and annoying old things we used to use instead.
23.YEP! NO ONE'S GOING TO SEE YOU THERE, MATE. YOU'VE TOTALLY FOOLED EVERYONE. GREAT JOB!
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