1. Is your face not really itchy all the time?
Mate, I passed that stage long ago. This shit just feels good.
2. Would you look really young if you shaved it off?
I would look about six. Let's move on.
3. Have you always had a beard?
Yes, ever since I was a baby. I arrived from my mother's womb with a great big bushy mass of facial hair, and she's hated me for it ever since.
4. Why is it so ginger?
I dunno, why don't you ask science.
5. Do you remember what your face looks like?
To them: "Obviously, it's my face..."
Secretly: "Nope."
6. Can I touch it?
Well, errrr, it's on my face so I'm gonna say no?
7. How do you trim it?
With a beard trimmer. Next.
8. How do you get your beard to grow like that? Mine always goes patchy.
Oh, I do rigorous nightly face exercises and then cover my face with a homemade lotion I cooked up out of honey, aloe vera and rat blood. That, or I'm just better than you.
9. Does it not give people a rash when they kiss you?
Tell you what, you're never gonna find out.
10. Can you stick a pencil in it?
Maybe, but let me see if I can stick a pencil in your face first.
11. Don't you get food stuck in it?
Yep, it's called pudding.
12. Do you get jealous when you see someone with a better beard than you?
Sorry, I didn't hear you, got to go now, bye...
13. Do you feel more manly because of it?
What does that even mean?
14. Do you get more sex because of it?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
15. Why aren't your beard and your hair the same colour?
Because I am a magical wizard and I do what I please.
16. Does your face not get really warm in summer?
Nah, not really.
17. Are you going to shave everything but the moustache for Movember?
I'd rather not look like a twat, tbh.
18. Wouldn't you be better looking if you shaved?
I literally could not care less about your terrible opinions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy looking awesome.
19. So, are you a hipster then?
Fuck off.
