1. Is your face not really itchy all the time?
Mate, I passed that stage long ago. This shit just feels good.
2. Would you look really young if you shaved it off?
I would look about six. Let's move on.
3. Have you always had a beard?
Yes, ever since I was a baby. I arrived from my mother's womb with a great big bushy mass of facial hair, and she's hated me for it ever since.
Advertisement
4. Why is it so ginger?
I dunno, why don't you ask science.
5. Do you remember what your face looks like?
To them: "Obviously, it's my face..."
Secretly: "Nope."
6. Can I touch it?
Well, errrr, it's on my face so I'm gonna say no?
7. How do you trim it?
With a beard trimmer. Next.
Advertisement
8. How do you get your beard to grow like that? Mine always goes patchy.
Oh, I do rigorous nightly face exercises and then cover my face with a homemade lotion I cooked up out of honey, aloe vera and rat blood. That, or I'm just better than you.
9. Does it not give people a rash when they kiss you?
Tell you what, you're never gonna find out.
10. Can you stick a pencil in it?
Maybe, but let me see if I can stick a pencil in your face first.
11. Don't you get food stuck in it?
Yep, it's called pudding.
Advertisement
12. Do you get jealous when you see someone with a better beard than you?
Sorry, I didn't hear you, got to go now, bye...
13. Do you feel more manly because of it?
What does that even mean?
14. Do you get more sex because of it?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
15. Why aren't your beard and your hair the same colour?
Because I am a magical wizard and I do what I please.
Advertisement
16. Does your face not get really warm in summer?
Nah, not really.
17. Are you going to shave everything but the moustache for Movember?
I'd rather not look like a twat, tbh.
18. Wouldn't you be better looking if you shaved?
I literally could not care less about your terrible opinions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy looking awesome.
19. So, are you a hipster then?
Fuck off.
