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19 Questions You Should Never Ask A Man With A Beard

"Have you always had a beard?" Yep, ever since I was a baby...

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1. Is your face not really itchy all the time?

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Mate, I passed that stage long ago. This shit just feels good.

2. Would you look really young if you shaved it off?

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I would look about six. Let's move on.

3. Have you always had a beard?

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Yes, ever since I was a baby. I arrived from my mother's womb with a great big bushy mass of facial hair, and she's hated me for it ever since.

4. Why is it so ginger?

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I dunno, why don't you ask science.

5. Do you remember what your face looks like?

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To them: "Obviously, it's my face..."

Secretly: "Nope."

6. Can I touch it?

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Well, errrr, it's on my face so I'm gonna say no?

7. How do you trim it?

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With a beard trimmer. Next.

8. How do you get your beard to grow like that? Mine always goes patchy.

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Oh, I do rigorous nightly face exercises and then cover my face with a homemade lotion I cooked up out of honey, aloe vera and rat blood. That, or I'm just better than you.

9. Does it not give people a rash when they kiss you?

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Tell you what, you're never gonna find out.

10. Can you stick a pencil in it?

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Maybe, but let me see if I can stick a pencil in your face first.

11. Don't you get food stuck in it?

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Yep, it's called pudding.

12. Do you get jealous when you see someone with a better beard than you?

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Sorry, I didn't hear you, got to go now, bye...

13. Do you feel more manly because of it?

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What does that even mean?

14. Do you get more sex because of it?

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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Why aren't your beard and your hair the same colour?

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Because I am a magical wizard and I do what I please.

16. Does your face not get really warm in summer?

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Nah, not really.

17. Are you going to shave everything but the moustache for Movember?

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I'd rather not look like a twat, tbh.

18. Wouldn't you be better looking if you shaved?

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I literally could not care less about your terrible opinions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy looking awesome.

19. So, are you a hipster then?

manofmany.com

Fuck off.