Skip To Content

    19 Questions You Should Never Ask A Man With A Beard

    "Have you always had a beard?" Yep, ever since I was a baby...

    1. Is your face not really itchy all the time?


    Mate, I passed that stage long ago. This shit just feels good.

    2. Would you look really young if you shaved it off?

    Hughes Entertainment / Via

    I would look about six. Let's move on.

    3. Have you always had a beard?

    20th Century Fox / Via

    Yes, ever since I was a baby. I arrived from my mother's womb with a great big bushy mass of facial hair, and she's hated me for it ever since.

    4. Why is it so ginger?

    I dunno, why don't you ask science.

    5. Do you remember what your face looks like?


    To them: "Obviously, it's my face..."

    Secretly: "Nope."

    6. Can I touch it?

    Well, errrr, it's on my face so I'm gonna say no?

    7. How do you trim it?


    With a beard trimmer. Next.

    8. How do you get your beard to grow like that? Mine always goes patchy.

    Conaco / Via

    Oh, I do rigorous nightly face exercises and then cover my face with a homemade lotion I cooked up out of honey, aloe vera and rat blood. That, or I'm just better than you.

    9. Does it not give people a rash when they kiss you? / Via

    Tell you what, you're never gonna find out.

    10. Can you stick a pencil in it?

    MLB / Via

    Maybe, but let me see if I can stick a pencil in your face first.

    11. Don't you get food stuck in it? / Via

    Yep, it's called pudding.

    12. Do you get jealous when you see someone with a better beard than you?

    AMC Studios / Via

    Sorry, I didn't hear you, got to go now, bye...

    13. Do you feel more manly because of it?

    20th Century Fox / Via

    What does that even mean?

    14. Do you get more sex because of it?

    ThinkFilm / Via


    15. Why aren't your beard and your hair the same colour?

    IGN / Via

    Because I am a magical wizard and I do what I please.

    16. Does your face not get really warm in summer?

    National Guard / Via

    Nah, not really.

    17. Are you going to shave everything but the moustache for Movember?

    BBC / Via

    I'd rather not look like a twat, tbh.

    18. Wouldn't you be better looking if you shaved?


    I literally could not care less about your terrible opinions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy looking awesome.

    19. So, are you a hipster then?

    Fuck off.