back to top

This Is What Happens On Every Single Episode Of "Don't Tell The Bride"

HUGE SPOILER: She doesn't get the wedding she wants.

Posted on

First, we get introduced to the couple, who will be doing something strange that they have never done before in their lives, like THIS.

BBC

Jade and Levi here are going to be our subjects. Because they are from Stoke, which is famous for its potteries, they are pretending to make a pot, which has almost certainly already been made earlier by an expert.

Also, for some reason, Levi isn't wearing a shirt.

Next, we get to see the couple being all happy and in love. This is quite important, as they are about to spend the rest of their lives together.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

Look at Jade and Levi, having a lovely romantic afternoon down by the canal.

Advertisement

She'll tell us about her dream wedding. It will almost certainly be very traditional, and it's extremely important that all her friends and family are there.

BBC

A nice, traditional wedding surrounded by loved ones – is that really too much to ask?

Advertisement

Well, yes, it is, because immediately afterwards, the groom-to-be will tell us that a traditional wedding is absolutely not what he will be arranging.

BBC

This is terrible news for the bride, but great news for the TV producers and, most importantly, us.

The couple share a very emotional goodbye. The next time they see each other will be in THREE WEEKS' time – at the wedding.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

Three weeks is a long time to spend away from your beloved partner, but a really fucking short time to be able to plan an entire wedding that is going to be shown on actual television.

Oh no, it's the best man – and he's up to no good!

BBC

He's turned up at the house, cracked a beer open within a matter of seconds and is already getting hyped for the stag do. Wedding planning can wait – now is the time to get out, have a laugh, and relive the "good old days".

Advertisement

Unsurprisingly, the bride and her family are a little bit nervous about his influence on what is being billed as "the biggest day of her life".

BBC

"If [the groom] gets this wrong I'll kill him." – bride-to-be, Mum, Dad, and pet cat

Because DTTB is a cruel, cruel show, the next stage is for the bride and her BFF to go and visit her ~dream venue~.

BBC

It is invariably beautiful – completely perfect – and it's also very important because of what we're about to see next.

The groom, with spectacular skill, has managed to choose pretty much the opposite of what his beloved has her heart set on.

BBC

Levi, for all his good traits, has decided it should be at Stoke City's football stadium.

On the pitch.

At half-time.

Oh, and Jade doesn't like football.

Advertisement
Advertisement

Until she remembers that she is not going to get to wear this dress, and that what she is actually wearing will be picked by her incompetent fiancé.

BBC

The same fiancé who has just arranged for them to get married during a football match, remember.

He duly picks a dress that looks nothing like the one his future bride has just fallen in love with and is also hideous.

BBC

You, of course, are shouting loudly at the television and setting fire to your own shoes out of rage.

Now, here come the stag and hen dos. We bet you can't guess which one turns out better.

Occasionally you'll get a real gem, like when the groom decided to spend like half the budget flying him and his mates out to Vegas for a whole week.

There's now only a few days left for the hungover groom to sort out everything else that needs to be arranged for the wedding on a budget of roughly 30 quid.

Advertisement

And the bridesmaids have just been presented with their shit dresses, which they hate.

BBC

But nine times out of ten agree to wear anyway because hey, it's not their day, and their poor friend is going through enough as it is, and probably regretting pretty much every single one of her life choices by now.

Advertisement

The bride is basically resigned to the worst by now, as she turns up to a venue she would never have chosen in a million years.

BBC

But she's determined not to let it ruin her day, because fuck it, she's marrying the guy she loves and hasn't seen him for three weeks.

Advertisement

The reception is even better, everyone is loving it (even good old Mum), and the new bride tells us that her groom knows her "even better than I know myself".

BBC

Jade: "Who knew that, deep down, I really am Stoke City 'til I die*."

*Not her actual words.