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This Is What Happens On Every Single Episode Of "Don't Tell The Bride"

HUGE SPOILER: She doesn't get the wedding she wants.

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Don't Tell the Bride is starting to get extremely popular, and if you're watching it, you're probably starting to notice the episodes tend to follow a certain pattern...

BBC

First, we get introduced to the couple, who will be doing something strange that they have never done before in their lives, like THIS.

Jade and Levi here are going to be our subjects. Because they are from Stoke, which is famous for its potteries, they are pretending to make a pot, which has almost certainly already been made earlier by an expert.Also, for some reason, Levi isn't wearing a shirt.
BBC

Jade and Levi here are going to be our subjects. Because they are from Stoke, which is famous for its potteries, they are pretending to make a pot, which has almost certainly already been made earlier by an expert.

Also, for some reason, Levi isn't wearing a shirt.

We will then be told, inevitably, that the groom-to-be is essentially incompetent. This bodes well, as he is about to plan an entire wedding.

At least he is now wearing a jacket.
BBC

At least he is now wearing a jacket.

Next, we get to see the couple being all happy and in love. This is quite important, as they are about to spend the rest of their lives together.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

Look at Jade and Levi, having a lovely romantic afternoon down by the canal.

We'll see some embarrassing childhood photos, obviously.

BBC

And then, to our horror, discover that our hero has always been somewhat of a "cheeky chappie" – look at him here, drinking an alcohol.

BBC

But don't worry, because his fiancé has managed to change him – he's all loved up now, and ready to settle down for good.

Look how adorable they are. They're made for each other.
BBC

Look how adorable they are. They're made for each other.

She'll tell us about her dream wedding. It will almost certainly be very traditional, and it's extremely important that all her friends and family are there.

A nice, traditional wedding surrounded by loved ones – is that really too much to ask?
BBC

A nice, traditional wedding surrounded by loved ones – is that really too much to ask?

Well, yes, it is, because immediately afterwards, the groom-to-be will tell us that a traditional wedding is absolutely not what he will be arranging.

This is terrible news for the bride, but great news for the TV producers and, most importantly, us.
BBC

This is terrible news for the bride, but great news for the TV producers and, most importantly, us.

The couple share a very emotional goodbye. The next time they see each other will be in THREE WEEKS' time – at the wedding.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

Three weeks is a long time to spend away from your beloved partner, but a really fucking short time to be able to plan an entire wedding that is going to be shown on actual television.

Right, that's the bride-to-be safely packed off to her parents' house, but who's this pulling up in the car?

BBC

Oh no, it's the best man – and he's up to no good!

He's turned up at the house, cracked a beer open within a matter of seconds and is already getting hyped for the stag do. Wedding planning can wait – now is the time to get out, have a laugh, and relive the "good old days".
BBC

He's turned up at the house, cracked a beer open within a matter of seconds and is already getting hyped for the stag do. Wedding planning can wait – now is the time to get out, have a laugh, and relive the "good old days".

Unsurprisingly, the bride and her family are a little bit nervous about his influence on what is being billed as "the biggest day of her life".

"If [the groom] gets this wrong I'll kill him." – bride-to-be, Mum, Dad, and pet cat
BBC

"If [the groom] gets this wrong I'll kill him." – bride-to-be, Mum, Dad, and pet cat

Because DTTB is a cruel, cruel show, the next stage is for the bride and her BFF to go and visit her ~dream venue~.

It is invariably beautiful – completely perfect – and it's also very important because of what we're about to see next.
BBC

It is invariably beautiful – completely perfect – and it's also very important because of what we're about to see next.

The groom, with spectacular skill, has managed to choose pretty much the opposite of what his beloved has her heart set on.

Levi, for all his good traits, has decided it should be at Stoke City's football stadium.On the pitch.At half-time.Oh, and Jade doesn't like football.
BBC

Levi, for all his good traits, has decided it should be at Stoke City's football stadium.

On the pitch.

At half-time.

Oh, and Jade doesn't like football.

Meanwhile, outside her dream venue, the bride is suddenly realising how big a deal this whole thing is, and how upset she'll be if it doesn't go to plan.

Oh dear.
BBC

Oh dear.

After some tense wrangling on the date and the price, the groom and best man duo manage to nail down the venue for approximately 97% of the £14,000 budget provided.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

Bargain.

And following a quick "if he fucks this up I'm not marrying him" maybe-joke from the bride-to-be...

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

...it's time for the real nailbiter.

BBC

The bride and her mates, as if by magic, find her an absolutely perfect dress. She looks stunning and is over the moon.

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Until she remembers that she is not going to get to wear this dress, and that what she is actually wearing will be picked by her incompetent fiancé.

The same fiancé who has just arranged for them to get married during a football match, remember.
BBC

The same fiancé who has just arranged for them to get married during a football match, remember.

He duly picks a dress that looks nothing like the one his future bride has just fallen in love with and is also hideous.

You, of course, are shouting loudly at the television and setting fire to your own shoes out of rage.
BBC

You, of course, are shouting loudly at the television and setting fire to your own shoes out of rage.

Now, here come the stag and hen dos. We bet you can't guess which one turns out better.

BBC
BBC

Occasionally you'll get a real gem, like when the groom decided to spend like half the budget flying him and his mates out to Vegas for a whole week.

There's now only a few days left for the hungover groom to sort out everything else that needs to be arranged for the wedding on a budget of roughly 30 quid.

Shoes: tenner.Bridesmaids dresses: six quid each.Ring: Haribo.Sorted.
BBC

Shoes: tenner.

Bridesmaids dresses: six quid each.

Ring: Haribo.

Sorted.

Meanwhile, the mother of the bride is freaking her nut out that the wedding is supposed to be in three days and still no one has an invite.

BBC

And the bridesmaids have just been presented with their shit dresses, which they hate.

But nine times out of ten agree to wear anyway because hey, it's not their day, and their poor friend is going through enough as it is, and probably regretting pretty much every single one of her life choices by now.
BBC

But nine times out of ten agree to wear anyway because hey, it's not their day, and their poor friend is going through enough as it is, and probably regretting pretty much every single one of her life choices by now.

It's now time for the bride to see her dress, which is ceremoniously zipped out of its holder. And yes, she fucking hates it.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

"It's not what I would have chosen."

There are more tears, the mother and friends get very angry, and the wedding is basically as good as ruined.

BBC

This pretty much sums it all up right now.

But our bride, thankfully, agrees to at least try the dress on.
BBC

But our bride, thankfully, agrees to at least try the dress on.

But hang on! Wait a second – it looks much better on!

THE WEDDING* IS SAVED.*This one part of it, they're still getting married in a football stadium.
BBC

THE WEDDING* IS SAVED.

*This one part of it, they're still getting married in a football stadium.

The big day is finally here, and everything is all set up...

BBC

The bride is basically resigned to the worst by now, as she turns up to a venue she would never have chosen in a million years.

But she's determined not to let it ruin her day, because fuck it, she's marrying the guy she loves and hasn't seen him for three weeks.
BBC

But she's determined not to let it ruin her day, because fuck it, she's marrying the guy she loves and hasn't seen him for three weeks.

There is inevitably one final bonus disappointment.

Yes, those really are football boots Jade is being asked to wear. To her wedding.
BBC

Yes, those really are football boots Jade is being asked to wear. To her wedding.

And yet somehow, despite everything, it goes kind of perfectly.

BBC / Alex Finnis / BuzzFeed

The reception is even better, everyone is loving it (even good old Mum), and the new bride tells us that her groom knows her "even better than I know myself".

Jade: "Who knew that, deep down, I really am Stoke City 'til I die*."*Not her actual words.
BBC

Jade: "Who knew that, deep down, I really am Stoke City 'til I die*."

*Not her actual words.

The groom and best man share an emotional moment, talking about how, even though he's married now, they'll always be best mates, and will always be there for each other.

N'awwww.
BBC

N'awwww.

And the happy couple disappear off on their honeymoon.

Which, away from the safety of the cameras, the groom is presumably spending sleeping on the sofa.
BBC

Which, away from the safety of the cameras, the groom is presumably spending sleeping on the sofa.