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14 Reasons Britain Kicks America's Ass At Drinking

Sorry, America, we are the Kings of Booze, and it's about more than just the age limit.

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1. We're allowed to drink at 18.

Bwark Productions

By the time you guys are pottering up excitedly to the bar for your first legal brew, we've already been getting tanked on cheap, terrible lager, legally, for three years – although realistically it's more like six. We're actually allowed to drink beer in our own homes from the age of five. FIVE. Because we like to start our alcohol dependence early.

2. We can drink in parks.

And in the street, but that's not as classy. Drinking warm cans of cider in dilapidated parks with broken swingsets is basically how we British spend our formative years. There's nothing nicer than lying on the grass on a summer's day with a circle of mates and a brew – you should try it. Oh no wait, you can't. Because it's illegal. LOL.

3. You all drink light beer, we drink ~real~ beer. /

While you're all kidding yourselves with your tiny cans of watery-tasting lager, we're drinking ale – aka beer that actually tastes like something. It can be dark and smoky, light and sweet like honey or even taste chocolaty – and it's often healthier than light beer too.

4. Seriously, what is the deal with the tiny cans?

For a country that likes everything to be huge, you sure do fuck up your drinking vessels.


5. Because look at our goddamn pubs.

We know you have pubs too, but they don't look like this. This isn't even a nice one (OK, it's quite a nice one). Pub culture is the best thing about drinking in Britain, for the obvious reason that sitting round a small table on comfy chairs with your best friends and a shit-ton of booze is pretty much the best way to spend time. This is probably why we're drunk so often.

7. Actually, our booze is just generally better.

Because not only do we have all the incredible stuff we brew over here, we also have a whole wealth of amazing European booze available to us pretty much wherever we go – one of the bonuses of not living in a giant-ass country is that we get to nick all the good shit from our neighbours.

8. Especially because of cider.

Oh god, you guys really don't know how to do cider. To you, cider is just apple juice. To us, it is the boozy, refreshing taste of a warm summer's day. Oh, and it also gets you drunk as a skunk.


9. We drink more than you.


America's motto is basically "bigger is better", and according to a 2010 study, we drink more booze than you, which means, by your own standards, that we are also better. You can't argue with cold, hard stats, you bloody lightweights.

10. You guys can't cope without food.

N Chadwick /

Unlike us Brits, you Americans seem to need food to live, whereas we can run for hours, maybe even days, purely on beer and gin. Food is great, everyone loves food, but sometimes it just gets in the way of our drinking and we have to make a sacrifice. Everyone knows that if you leave after-work drinks to go and eat, that signifies the end of your night's boozing, so we tend to get around this by drinking until we can't see properly and then staggering into a takeaway at 1am and ordering everything on the menu.

11. We don't have to tip when we drink.

Because we actually pay our bartenders a fair wage. But also because we're a bunch of tight fuckers who like to spend all our cash on the booze itself.

12. Our parties don't get shut down by the police.

The Apatow Company

This is happens in, like, every single American teen movie ever, and if there's one thing we know about movies, it's that they completely reflect real life. The worst thing that happens to us when we get caught boozing underage is we have to watch our drink get poured away in front of us – because we know that is punishment enough.

13. Lock-ins.


Sometimes, normally when you live in a small village with a friendly local pub, the owners will decide to do something called a "lock-in". This means, after closing time, they will literally lock everyone who's still a little thirsty in the pub, and you all sit around getting blind drunk until the sun comes up. Britain.

14. Your giant country is really bad for boozing.

Google Maps / BuzzFeed

From what we understand, America is quite big. This means stuff is all really far apart from each other – for instance, the bar and your house. No one wants to be designated driver and, thanks to our tiny island and mostly adequate public transport, you never have to be. And you guys wonder why we're pissed all the time.