24 Headlines That Prove The "Sunday Sport" Is Britain's Best Newspaper

"Prince Harry Bummed Me Behind Lidl!" and other shocking exclusives.

1. This grandma's dirty protest.

The Sunday Sport

"Onlookers gasped (and some vomited) when the drunken 52-year-old climbed onto a chair, pulled down her tights and splattered her mess onto the savoury treat."

2. This bloke's crushed jihadi dreams.

The Sunday Sport

"They said proper ISIS fighters wore the top Nike or Adidas gear, I don't have the money for that [...] If that's the way ISIS treat volunteers, they can stick their jihad up their arses."

3. This huge political scoop.

The Sunday Sport

"The bearded Marxist was 'gobbling Boris for all he was worth'."

4. This bellend.

The Sunday Sport

"Howard blasted one of the bakes in the microwave before slipping his erect member into its creamy white sauce interior."

5. This bellend.

The Sunday Sport

"Although complying with all EU safety regulations, Mr Frosty is NOT designed to be used as sexual apparatus".

6. This bellend.

The Sunday Sport

7. And also this bellend.

The Sunday Sport

"I've not given my niece the loom bands. They've gone in the bin!"

8. This shocking royal exclusive.

The Sunday Sport

"Jade Elliot, 42, says the fifth in line to the throne seduced her with a combination of cider and 'fancy chat' then enjoyed her anally after the branch had closed for the night."

9. This despicable nuclear plot.

The Sunday Sport

"Kim, who has worked hard to secure his place as the world's No. 1 villain since taking power in 2012, is believed to be jealous of Horwood's 'Mr Nasty' tag."

10. These troublesome youths.

The Sunday Sport

"The terrors – some wearing Halloween costumes a full week after the spooky festival – left OAPs shaking as they used their fiery sparklers to spell out obscenities such as 'F**K', 'C**T', 'PISSFLAPS', 'ARSEHOLE', WANK' and even 'COCKSNOT'."

11. This sex dwarf's tragic demise.

The Sunday Sport

"His tiny corpse was found deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing programme near Tregaron, west Wales."

12. And this one's very similar end.

The Sunday Sport

13. This important campaign.

The Sunday Sport

"It was all on the rug in front of the fire, there's no way it'll brush out."

14. This vicious assault on poor Giles.

The Sunday Sport

15. This great granny's heroic act.

The Sunday Sport

"He turned to face four-foot-ten widow Edna who, quick as a flash, stooped and sank her 100-year-old falsies into the slightly-steaming knobhead."

16. This pantomime crime.

The Sunday Sport

"Today they're only sniffing cows' arses. The Good Lord only knows what future outrages they might have in mind."

17. This impressive cheesy feat.

The Sunday Sport

"The 46-year-old dimwit boasted of his dubious feat on social media and claimed his own MOTHER had encouraged the stunt."

18. And this huge Easter world record.

The Sunday Sport

19. This man's "anal evacuation".

The Sunday Sport

"Onlookers gasped as the local vagrant – known to all as Dirty Harry – soiled himself while pressing his nose against the glass and looking longingly at the gallons of booze on offer."

20. This awful nasty neighbour tale.

The Sunday Sport

"When I called the police they didn't seem to understand what I was saying. It may have been the cider."

21. This man's heartfelt apology to Davina McCall.

The Sunday Sport

22. This woman's revenge on her cheating husband.

The Sunday Sport

"Messages daubed on the Fresians include, 'Mike Travis has a tiny cock', 'Mike Travis is shit in bed', and 'Mike Travis has got the AIDS'."

23. This shocking tactic.

The Sunday Sport

"Early in the second half, Harriers' players began stumbling about muttering incoherently. Several then began screaming while one ran the length of the pitch yelping like a dog."

24. And finally, this man's devastating riches-to-rags story.

The Sunday Sport

Oh, Graham :(