21 Of The Funniest One-Liner Jokes Ever Told
I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
1. British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.
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–Jimmy Carr
2. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.
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–Stewart Francis
3. The pollen count, now that's a difficult job.
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–Milton Jones
4. My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday."
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–Joe Bor
5. I once dated a guy so dumb he couldn't count to 21.
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–Joan Rivers
6. I could tell my parents hated me.
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–Rodney Dangerfield
7. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
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–Tim Vine
8. I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.
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–Lee Mack
9. I have a lot of growing up to do.
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–Zach Galifianakis
10. Onions make me sad.
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–Mitch Hedberg
11. I'm on a whiskey diet.
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–Tommy Cooper
12. Even the word "misogyny" is misogynistic.
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–Bec Hill
13. A girl called me the other day and said, "Come over, nobody's home", so I went over.
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–Rodney Dangerfield
14. My photographs don't do me justice.
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–Phyllis Diller
15. I want to write a mystery novel.
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–Stewart Francis
16. As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.
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–Milton Jones
17. Exit signs.
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–Tim Vine
18. Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?
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–Jimmy Carr
19. Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict.
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–Alex Horne
20. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs.
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–Rebecca Humphries
21. I've got a girlfriend. I've been going out with her for...
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–Stewart Francis
