15 "Game Of Thrones" Characters, Ranked By Sex Ability

Game of Bones.

1. Jaime Lannister

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It's impossible to ignore that Jaime Lannister now has what can only be described as a very extreme and terrifying sex toy permanently fitted to the end of his right arm. Apparently Cersei loves it – which at least makes a change from her consistently fisting the rest of the Westerosi public – but for the tamer souls among us it's all just a little bit much. Fortunately, Jaime's dick is in perfect working order and is completely metal free. Unfortunately, the only person he'll fuck is his own sister.

Shag rating: 5/10

2. Jon Snow

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List of things Jon Snow knows:

1. How to pleasure a woman.

2. Olly is a dickhead.

3. That's it.

Despite having virtually no experience, Jon Snow is a total demon in the sack, and it's debatable which kind of sword he's more skilled with – Valyrian steel or pork. He's generous to the point of absurdity, and completely throws aside his noble demeanour when he gets you naked in bed (or in a cave). Well, you know what they say: Crow on the streets, wildling in the sheets.

Shag rating: 9/10

3. Grey Worm

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Let's not beat around the bush, we aren't actually sure whether Grey Worm has a penis. This, when it comes to sex, can be a fairly significant problem. "Look at my sword", he's saying here, "it's this big, I promise", but why should we believe him? For all we know it's lying limp and pickled in a jam jar on his old master's mantlepiece.

Shag rating: ?/10

4. Ramsay Bolton

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The real reason Ramsay tortured Theon actually had nothing to do with northern politics and everything to do with penis envy. Not only was Ramsay born out of wedlock, but he was also born with a two-inch penis. As a teenager, he thought he may be able to rectify the problem by masturbating furiously and at least three times a day, but this only led to severe amounts of pain and anger, which he has still never managed to let go.

Shag rating: 1/10

5. Olenna Tyrell

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Here's some truth for you: You could not handle Olenna Tyrell. Not even close. She knows positions you've never even dreamt of, she's moved in ways that shouldn't be physically possible and she's done things that, well, let's just say she wouldn't want the High Sparrow finding out. She is Olenna Tyrell, first of her name, blower of minds, wardeness of the bedroom and Queen of the peen.

Shag rating: 10/10

6. Tyrion Lannister

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We know what you're going to ask, and the answer is no, it isn't. And you know what too, he'd really appreciate if you'd stop asking. As we found out in season five, dwarf cock is actually extremely valuable, though if Tyrion were to put his up for sale on eBay, it would very much be listed as "used". You know what they say though, practice makes perfect. Unsurprisingly, Tyrion's greatest skill when it comes to lovemaking is his dirty talk. His weakness? Well, you know what drink does to a man.

Shag rating: 6/10

7. Samwell Tarly

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Samwell Tarly's two main reactions to real-life sexual intercourse are surprise and mild nervous giggling. If you were making a list of the "top ten least sexy emotions to see on a sexual partner", two of them would probably be surprise and mild nervous giggling. Anyone who dares fuck Sam "White Walker slayer" Tarly is going to have to take the reigns – it's rare that he has a clue what's going on in life in general, let alone in the bedroom.

Shag rating: 3/10

8. Hodor

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If you have a bit of a thing for men who like to bellow their own name repeatedly during intercourse, getting slowly louder with every thrust until roaring to a deafening climax, then Hodor is your man. If not, well, at least he's got a twelve-inch penis.

Shag rating: 4/10

9. Cersei Lannister

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Cersei: "Hey, so, uh, I was thinking we could try a bit of roleplay?

You: "Why yes Your Grace! It's always fun to mix it up a bit!"

Cersei: "Right, this might sound a bit weird at first, but just go with me, OK?"

You: "Um, sure?"

Cersei: "So, what I want you to do is pretend that you're my brother. And I'll pretend to be me."

You: "I'm terribly sorry Your Grace, I must have misheard, you said you want me to pretend to be your brother?"

Cersei: "No, you heard perfectly correctly. Now take of those sexy woollen underpants."

You: "..."

Shag rating: 7/10 (as long as you're a Lannister)

10. Stannis Baratheon

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If only Stannis were as good at sex as he is at mercilessly murdering members of his own family – it's a wonder Melisandre didn't fuck off a lot sooner. When it comes to action between the sheets, Stannis is certainly not the Mannis. He's constantly moody and unenthusiastic, his foreplay is almost non-existent and he's developed a habit for crying at the end. Hot.

Shag rating: 2/10

11. Melisandre

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You have to be careful fucking Melisandre – one wrong step and she'll be strapping you naked to a funeral pyre and burning your ass alive. Thankfully, she's normally the one taking control, and the best way to describe the experience is like going on a rollercoaster, because you're simultaneously shitting your pants and having the best time of your life.

Shag rating: 8/10

12. Daario Naharis

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This one can be a little confusing. See, you bring Daario home from a wild night at the inn, get the deed done, wake up the next morning and he looks like a totally different person. Fortunately, that person is still hot as fuck, and your mind is still suitably blown from everything he'd done to you the night before for you to even care.

Shag rating: 9/10

13. Daenerys Targaryen

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Fans of kink, prepare to be disappointed – one sight of a pair of handcuffs or riding whip and Dany will off into a fit of rage, set her dragon pals on you and crucify you bollock naked in the street for all to see. On the other hand, if she can tame a man like Khal Drogo then you bet she'd have no problem with a peasant like you.

Shag rating: 7/10

14. Jaqen H'ghar

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Shapeshifting is pretty damn cool, and super useful for killing – but you know what it's even better for? Fucking. Imagine, you could ask him to look like anyone in the world. You could basically have sex with Ryan Gosling or Taylor Swift. Or both, simultaneously. On the flipside, he could transform into Hodor mid-fuck and totally scare you shitless.

Shag rating: 8/10

15. Theon Greyjoy

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LOL nope.

Shag rating: 0/10