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A Very Sweary Guide To Not Being A Dick During Wimbledon

"Come on, Tim!" ಠ_ಠ

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Wimbledon is back! The only sporting event more British than a quarter-final penalty shootout defeat or a rained off final day at Lord's will be all over the BBC for the next couple of weeks.

The only problem is, us being British and all, we sometimes like to try and ruin all the fun by kinda being dicks.

Al Bello / Getty Images

So here is a handy guide to not being a total shitmongering bellend, including a few dos and don'ts, as well as a photo of Andy Murray with his shirt off. You're fucking welcome.


Shout "come on, Tim!" at Andy Murray.

Get it – because Tim Henman was a British tennis player and now Andy Murray is also a British tennis player!!11!!!1 Lol! This was probably funny once, the first time someone did it in like 2008. It probably drew a nice ripple of chuckles around Court One. You might have even laughed as you watched on your new flatscreen TV at home, you toss-faced spunkrocket.

It is now 2015, Henman retired eight years ago, and he was always a bit crap anyway. The cockwombles who still shout "come on, Tim!" at their televisions are the same cockwombles who shout "get in the hole!" the second someone strikes a golf ball off the tee of a par five. Don't be one of those cockwombles. Those cockwombles suck.

Make that shitting awful joke about Murray being British when he wins and Scottish when he loses.

Andrew Cowie / Getty Images

The world's oldest joke is not actually this one from 1900BC about a woman doing a fart, it is people calling Andy Murray Scottish when he gets knocked out of a tennis tournament. If you put this joke on Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg will phone you up to call you a quimwiffle, then immediately delete your account. And then you won't have any friends. So don't.

Say anything bad about Roger Federer. Ever.

Clive Brunskill / Getty Images

Roger Federer is a fucking god. Maybe even the fucking God. He glides across Centre Court like a goddamn magical tennis unicorn and is definitively the nicest man ever born on to this earth. Love him like the glorious bastard he is.


Same goes for Serena Williams.

Miguel Medina / Getty Images

Serena Williams is ridiculous. She is completely fucking insane. She has 20 motherfucking grand slam singles titles and 15 motherfucking more in doubles. She has been the motherfucking world No. 1 on and off for the last 13 years, and if she wins Wimbledon this year, she will hold all four motherfucking grand slam titles, the motherfucking WTA Tour title, and the motherfucking Olympic women's singles title all at the same time.

Men: Unless you are an actual real-life professional tennis player, Serena would rip you a new one on the court. Actually, she'd probably still rip you a new one if you are. Don't go running your mouth about how you could beat her, or any other women playing in a match, because you couldn't.

Moan continuously about how annoying you find the women tennis players grunting.

Julian Finney / Getty Images

Firstly, it's definitely not just the women who do it (Andy Murray makes this really weird squeaking sound). Secondly, they are not just there to entertain you for a couple of weeks while you secretly wish you were watching fucking Pointless*, they are trying to win the world's most prestigious tennis tournament (and yes, still entertain your shitty little mind in the process). Thirdly, it's really not that big a deal. If you really find it that annoying, mute the sound – just please don't also tweet about doing so, because that would make you a cockweasel.

*No offence meant to Pointless. Pointless is fucking excellent.