I love Pokémon. I always have, I always will. My obsession began with the American release of the original RPG's for the Gameboy and it didn't take long before this obsession flourished into a deep and devoted affection for the T.V. show and trading card game, as well. I also made it a point to bribe and/or scare my parents into bringing me into any store that may have sold some type of Pokémon collectible item at the time. Not to mention, I was CONSUMED with finding a Holographic Charizard, as if my chubby adolescent fingers would crumble into little pieces if they didn't get the chance to hold one and call it their own. By the time I was old enough to get permission to walk the streets of my pseudo-ghetto Bayonne, NJ neighborhood, my trading and battling skills had reached a whole new level. You could find me every Thursday at the local Burger King, shoveling a small fry and 4 piece chicken nugget into my mouth while kicking some serious Poké-Ass. I was a strategic mastermind - not even the older kids wanted to fuck with me when it came to a battle. Years went on and my adoration for the franchise never ceased to exist.
This all being well and dandy, I recently stumbled upon a frightening realization about myself; I hate Ash Ketchum. The more I binge watch the series on Netflix - this is often - the more aware I become of the fact that this beloved protagonist of mine is kind of a dick. Here are 8 reasons why. I would have reflected the number of reasons Ash is a dick with the number of Pokémon that are known, but I think there are well over 700 at this point and I actually have a life. Kind of.
1. He showed up late to get his first Pokémon, in his Pajamas.
Ash, you insufferable prick. You give your mom, who is basically the sweetest woman in the whole wide world, a totally hard time about getting to bed because you have to wake up early to get your first Pokémon. Then, being the asshole that you are, you end up waking up late anyway, running your irresponsible self over to Professor Oak, pushing your way through a ton of people, then having to convince the Oakster himself that you even deserve a Pokémon. Granted, Ash wouldn't have ended up with Pikachu - which is arguably the best choice from the bunch - had he not been late, but that's no justification. Don't talk a bunch of shit about wanting to be the best Pokémon trainer in the world when you can't even manage to roll out of bed by 10am. You deserved everything that Gary said to you and you constantly being in his shadow was a joy to me.
2. He stole Misty's bike.
Okay, Pikachu was wounded - I get it. If I had just gotten my first Pokémon and it was on the verge of death because it felt the need to save me from a flock of vicious Spearows I, too would be ready to do almost anything. The key word here is almost and, believe it or not, for me and most decent human beings, thievery is not one of those things. But nope, not for old Ash Ketchum. He takes what he wants when he wants it and doesn't care how many cute little redheads he leaves in his wake. I mean, would it have been that outrageous of an idea to ask her to ride you to the nearest Pokémon Center on her pegs instead of stealing her shit without so much as a 30 second explanation? Evidently, it would be.
3. He was up Brock's ass.
This one is almost unnecessary to even explain. Maybe the creators thought Ash needed a consistent male role model since Professor Oak wasn't always around and Ash's dad wasn't in the picture. Maybe they thought it would be cool for Ash to terrorize the main female character on an episodic basis while he dreamed about licking the other main male character's balls - I really don't know. What I do know is that Ash could hardly take a shit without first asking Brock his opinion on what size, shape, and color it should be. Like that time he traded his "beloved" Butterfree for a fucking disgusting Raticate because Brock told him to in the middle of one of his hornball daydreams about a girl.
4. He was hasty.
I can't count how many times Ash has made a super quick, barely thought out decision about serious matters. This was especially true when it came to Pokémon battles in the earlier portion of his career. Some might assume that this was due to his lack of knowledge about Pokémon types and weaknesses. I say that it was due to his being a complete fucking moron. How likely is it that he was absolutely obsessed with Pokémon before he even became a trainer - to the point where he was literally dreaming about them - but didn't think to study a bit about who can kick whose ass. Also, it's not fucking brain surgery that fire is weak against water and water is weak against electric and so on. God forbid Ash took a few second to think a situation over before diving in balls first.
5. He was cocky.
There was nothing special about Ash Ketchum from the very beginning, yet he thought himself God's gift to the world. This could be blamed on his mother's obvious possessiveness over him, probably due to her having to raise him on her own, but Ash wasn't the only one with daddy issues - it didn't give him the right to think that he was the shit. Like, what makes you so sure that you're going to be the world's best Pokémon trainer, Ash? More like the world's best wet mop. He would always go around challenging anyone he could find, being absolutely certain that he would come out victorious. Surprise surprise, he lost - a lot. But did that stop Ash's outrageously large ego from inflating even more? Nope, when he lost he usually became more cocky about himself in the end. Losses in Pokémon battles to Ash were like ketchup or apples to Pikachu - crack.
6. He was always getting into other peoples' business.
I admit that there might not have been much driving the plot forward in Pokémon: Indigo League had Ash not always felt the need to stick his nose where it didn't belong, but that didn't make it any less annoying. You're trying to be the world's best Pokémon trainer, not the world's best Poké-Equality Forum Leader or fucking humanitarian. He would even go out of his way to help Team Rocket ALL. THE. TIME. I will never understand this. Their goal in life was to steal his Pikachu - why the fuck was he helping them so often?! Because he was a nosey little dipshit who clearly wasn't 100% committed to being a trainer since he always needed to keep himself busy with everyone else's problems.
7. He was super opinionated.
Imagine you work in a department store selling perfume. You're surrounded by a bunch of awesome and equally hot co-workers who you have a totally bitchin' time with and your job is basically just awesome on every level. Enter Ash Ketchum. "Blah blah blah, perfume fuckin' sucks. It smells like shit. All you people have worthless lives if you sell this liquid ass in a bottle." This is basically what he said to a bunch of complete strangers from the moment he walked into their store, which then lead him to be banned from the Celadon Gym. That then lead to him conspiring with Team Rocket (WTF?) and crossdressing as a disturbingly adorable female. Are you fucking for real, Ash? First of all, who has that strong of an opinion on perfume?! I can see maybe having an opinion on a certain type of perfume or a particular type of scent - but perfume, in and of itself? That's like having an opinion on movies, in general. It was fucking weird and unnecessary and was only used as an outlet for you to spew your douchey opinion on the innocent people around you. Get a fucking life, Ash.
8. He's naive.
Despite the general consensus that Ash Ketchum is immortally 10 years old and has literally forever to catch all the Pokémon out there, he never will. Beyond the fact that some of his above mentioned characteristics keep him from being a good trainer, he is also incredibly immature and a huge fucking idiot. Ash always thought the best in everyone, especially of the people who were somehow tricking him - Naive. Ash believed that there were multiple people around the world who shared a face with Jesse and James from Team Rocket and that it wasn't actually just them, trying to steal his Pikachu again - Naive. Ash would try to first cure his sick Pokémon by doing things like shaking them upside down and screaming their name - Naive. Ash would come to ridiculous conclusions about blatantly obvious situations on a frequent basis. Oh, you're telling me the story of that girl's life AND are giving me excruciating details about her childhood and parents AND you seem to be around the age her dad would be AND you have a god damn mother fucking picture of her as a kid - logically, that must mean ... you're a photographer! Naive and also, you're a dumbass. Please die.
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