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The Amazon Reviews For "The Dress" Are Pretty Much Perfect

Some might say they're golden.

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1. This 5-star review notes how perfect the dress is for a casual night of crime:

"Robbed a bank in this dress. Nobody could agree on a proper description of me. Sketch artist's head exploded. Got away. Fantastic."


3. This happy customer was surprised that his wife turned into a Smurf angel:

"So I bought this item for my wife last week. She tried it on but the second she tried it on everything changed. I blinked a few times, astounded at what had just happened. She turned into a full size smurf. Sent a pic to a friend and he saw an angel so we're gonna have to talk."

5. This review came with a dire warning:

"About a week after buying this dress for my wife weird things started happening. Birds began flying into our windows and the neighborhood pets began dying. I came home from work one day to find my wife holding a toaster above herself while taking a bath whispering something about how the dress made her do it. Stay Away from the dress."


6. This review was a journey of intrigue and discovery:

"You step into the dark Istanbul night. In your purse: papers, documents, secrets; a few compacts and a roll of euros. His cologne lingers in your nostrils. Somewhere a dog barks.

As you walk toward the consulate, strange men dart past you. Are they the opposition? Do they know what you know? You are unafraid; you slip through the night, past the hookah-bars and opium-dens, to your destination. You know that the men on the other side are looking for a woman in a white-and-gold dress, but you've worn your Roman women's dress with lade detail... in royal blue.

7. This review is essentially 72 crying emojis mashed together:

"The bad: Carves a crooked path through perceptual reality and leaves behind it a wake of confusion and existential crises. Also unforgiving on the hips."

8. And this review, is just... Well, just read it for yourself:

"This dress is not any color. It is the absence of color. It (as with everything not self-illuminating) absorbs some light frequencies and reflects others. Black is the presence of all colors, so reflects none, But parts appear "blue", because those parts are every color except blue. The "blue" bits reflect the one color they aren't, and we see those frequencies being reflected ... the blue ones. When looking at the "every color but blue" dress, our eyes perceive light in the blue spectrum, the color being reflected. But then the question becomes, when we're looking perpendicular to the dress, why don't we see images of the dress screaming across our field of vision as the light is being reflected? Clearly light is of the devil. Well the light from this dress is demonic. If it floats we should burn it at the stake. Oh God, is this dress made from wood? Is THAT the issue?"

11. And this review is basically an M. Night Shyamalan movie. PLOT TWIST:

"This dress was not AT ALL the color I expected from the photo and description. I thought I was ordering a nice blue-and-black cocktail dress, but when the package arrived at my house I opened it and a llama jumped out. Would return but I can't catch it. Very disappointed."