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How Much Of A Krampus Are You?

Don't let us KRAMP your style. lol. Sorry.

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The Krampus is a horned figure that eats children who misbehave around Christmastime, usually in scenic Alpine villages.

Krampus looks like this:

Adult Swim / Via minus.com

Handsome, right? Notice the child in his nifty backpack.

Krampus has his own night, celebrated on December 5th, called "Krampusnacht." Yup, his own night. LIKE A BOSS.

pandemicpicnic.tumblr.com / Via tumblr.com

THE BOSS OF EATING KIDDOS.

On that night, Krampus roams the street searching for bad children so that he can give them coal. OR drag them to Hell. Depends on his mood. You know how it is!

Creative Commons / Flickr: sangudo
Eli Christman / Creative Commons / Flickr: gammaman

Sometimes he's joined by St. Nicholas, who just sort of lets this goat-monster to consume children. Like any of us would, TO BE HONEST.

And a Krampuslauf is a procession of revelers dressed up like Krampus. The custom is to offer Krampus a drink, because Krampus loves to party.

Eli Christman / Creative Commons / Flickr: gammaman
Eli Christman / Creative Commons / Flickr: gammaman

No coal for Krampus. Only wine coolers!

Now. How Krampus-eque are you?

  1. Check all that apply.

    Check
    You're not fond of kids.
    Check
    You own a suspiciously child-sized backpack.
    Check
    You think Santa Claus is kind of a pushover.
    Check
    You don't moisturize.
    Check
    You're horny.
    Check
    I mean, like. You literally have horns.
    Check
    ;)
    Check
    You have long, flowing hair.
    Check
    You think modern society upholds impossible beauty standards.
    Check
    You are beautiful, in your way.
    Check
    You love parades.
    Check
    Particularly if they're honoring YOU.
    Check
    Have we mentioned that you hate kids?
    Check
    Like, a lot.
    Check
    ... Unless they're lightly seared.
    Check
    And coated in a buttery Panko crust.
    Check
    Maybe with a nice Riesling? (tee hee!)
    Check
    OMG, you are sooooo bad! ;)
    Check
    You deserve it, though. Let your hair down!
    Check
    You have a long tongue.
    Check
    I mean not, like, in a wink-wink-nudge-nudge way.
    Check
    Although..... Heyooooo!
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    You really enjoy whipping stuff.
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    It's better than Pilates, tbh.
    Check
    You've been known to enjoy a nice Schnapps.
    Check
    You are literally in Hell.
    Check
    You deserve to be celebrated.
    Check
    In fact, you've been known to hand out cards with your face on them.
    Check
    We mentioned that you don't like kids, right?
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