Throw your kale chips into the ocean. There is only ONE SNACK that TRULY MATTERS.
FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS.
1. First of all, the bag is a WORK. OF. ART.
A bold palette of red and yellow and ochre and gold. A riot of dynamic ideas and fire-breathing cheetah realness. And the mish-mash of different fonts is truly *kisses fingertips* a delight to behold.
2. When you open the bag, you shiver with anticipation, gasping as the packaging rustles within your grasp.
3. And the smell! The intoxicating scent of FLAMIN' HOTNESS.
What does "flamin' heat" smell like? It smells like a screensaver image of a pegasus jumping out of your screen and into a pool of fire while singing a dubstep remix of "Heat Wave."
4. Let's just take a moment and look at this marvelous snack product.
5. And DAT CRUNCH.
6. With each crispy, crunchy bite, you are transported to A REALM OF SPICE AND FIRE AND CHEESE DUST.
7. And when you've inhaled the entire bag, you're ready for the second course.
8. ...BECAUSE YOUR FINGERS HAVE BEEN #BLESSED WITH SPICY CHEESE DUST KISSES.
9. Heaven is a place on Earth, and it tastes like Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
10. Also, hi, this snack loves you so much it gives you MULTIPLE SPICY OPTIONS.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE FLAVORS! WHEN I DIE PLEASE PLACE TWO (2) OF EACH IN MY JET-POWERED FLAV-SAVIN'™ COFFIN.