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18 Terrifying Things That Happen When You Give Up Diet Coke

Your body is healthier, but your soul is dead.

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1. It all starts with your total denial of how severe your Diet Coke addiction really is.

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Drinking six bottles of Diet Coke a day isn't a problem because problems aren't fun. That's science!!!

2. And then, frightened over the prospect of life without Diet Coke, you make excuses. All the excuses.

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Everyone drinks Diet Coke. It's as American as apple Coke. What, do you hate America? Do you hate the world? Do you not want to buy the world a Coke? How dare you.

3. Ashamed, you finally recognize you have a problem when you can't make it through an afternoon without drinking a Diet Coke or nine.

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Also, your bones and your kidneys are turning into poop.

4. You feel useless the first time you try to give up your beloved Diet Coke and fail miserably.

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Just one last sip. Just one can. Just one case. Just one river of Diet Coke. One last ocean, I PROMISE.

5. But, determined, you try again.

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Look, you can do this. Just stop thinking about Diet Coke. Stop writing Diet Coke. Why do you keep writing "Diet Coke." Stop it. STOP IT.

6. You begin to miss Diet Coke so much that you write a love letter to Diet Coke, plus three sonnets and a rock opera.

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Dear Diet Coke,

I love you. I love the way you fizz. I love your refreshing coolness. I love you even when fast food places have a really weird syrup-to-carbonated water ratio and then you taste all flat and syrupy and weird.

7. You try to drink water and become enraged at whoever invented this watery excuse for Diet Coke.

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I MIGHT AS WELL BE DRINKING A PEPSI.

8. Vibrating with anger, you pour artisanally crafted "natural" sodas into a toilet and launch that toilet into space.

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Tastes like GARBAGE JUICE.

9. You are overcome with hopelessless as you wonder if life without Diet Coke is even worth living.

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Why are we even here? Are we all just figures in a dream? A dream by Diet Coke? Where am I.

10. You begin to lose your grip on reality, going through withdrawals and seeing Diet Coke everywhere.

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Diet Coke is everything and everything is Diet Coke.

11. Then you plummet, numb and broken, into the abyss.

MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT END. ALL IS PAIN. I AM BEATING MY FISTS AGAINST THE WALLS OF HELL. ALL IS DARKNESS. GIVE ME A COKE.

12. But then, eventually, you give in to a sort of grudging acceptance.

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There are other good things in life that aren't Diet Coke. Like... ? Things. That exist. Maybe.

13. You develop a renewed sense of self, and a feeling of pride.

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You are stronger than you thought! You did it!

14. You start to feel pretty good, like maybe you no longer have the bones of a 97-year-old.

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No more pudding bones! So. That's nice.

15. And you start to get a little smug, ticking off all the bad stuff that's probably in Diet Coke.

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A friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor of an armadillo of a boss of a brother-in-law said they make Diet Coke out of dinosaur blood. And now you're drinking it and I'm not, sooooo.

16. ...But then you eat pizza and immediately slide back into hell, which is defined as "a place without Diet Coke."

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What am I supposed to drink with pizza if not Diet Coke? ANSWER ME.

17. But you buck up and you deal with it.

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At this point, you've got this and you're not likely to slide back into old garbage habits.

18. ...And you feel happy knowing that you made the right choice for your health.

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Even if it is tough sometimes.

Come on, champ. Give yourself a pat on the back.

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Bye, Diet Coke. We will always love you.

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xoxo

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