When it comes to weddings, everyone outside of the couple seems to have an unsolicited opinion. And most recently? It's the in-laws who have our bride ready to call it quits.
This month, a bride-to-be (goes by u/nosleepbeauty or NSB for short) approached the Am I the Asshole subreddit with a tense situation they wanted advice on. Mainly, what she should do now that her in-laws don't approve of who she'd like to have walk her down the aisle.
In NSB's post, she explained: "I was raised by my older half-sister. I never met my dad and our mom OD'd when I was 10 and my sister was 19," she said. "My sister's dad was still in her life and was willing to support her, but not me. My sister chose to be my guardian and her father's family went low-contact with her as a result. In order to raise me she gave up a lot: her relationship with her father, college, her 20s, and so much more."
But here's the problem. "A few months ago I got engaged and I told my sister that in addition to being my maid of honor, I also wanted her to be the one to walk me down the aisle," NSB said. "All my life she's had to fulfill so many roles for me – big sister, mother, father, friend – that it only felt right that those multiple roles be honored on one of the biggest days of my life. My sister was ecstatic and so was I..."
"...but when I brought it up with my fiancé he objected," she continued. "My future in-laws are very traditional and my fiancé had always expected that his wedding would be a very traditional white wedding. He said that it was great that my sister was my MOH, but that her having two roles wasn't."
"He said that it wasn't appropriate for her to walk me down the aisle since that's usually done by a man. Apparently, his family had assumed that my future father-in-law would be the one to give me away since I don't have any male relatives."
"I told him that I appreciate his father being willing to fill that role, but that the one who made me the person I am is my sister, and so it's right that she be the one to give me away. It turned into an argument that's spread to my in-laws," NSB said. "My MIL called me a few days ago to say that although she understand how important my sister is to me, it's also my fiancé's wedding and I shouldn't be putting my sister before him on his day."
"I definitely heard her on that, but this is still important to me. At this point, my sister has even said that she doesn't mind just being the MOH and that she doesn't want to turn my happy day into something stressful. So now it's just me holding out and being stubborn, but I really don't want to concede on this point. Am I being the asshole?"
Before we get into the comments and opinions under the post, NSB rounded back to offer a few clarifying points for context:
1. When asked if her in-laws were contributing to the wedding costs, she said: "Yes. In fact, they're paying for about 75% of it since I'm in still in school and don't have the money to put towards a wedding the scale that my fiancé wanted."
2. When asked whether her fiancé asked her sister for her hand in marriage (as tradition would usually direct the groom to ask the father of the bride), she said, "He did, actually. She also helped him custom design the engagement ring. She showed me their group text and at one point they spent three weeks trying to decide between five different diamonds."
3. And finally, when asked if she could walk herself down the aisle, she said, "That was my sister's suggestion when she said she was fine just being the MOH, but I rejected it. Because of her, I never walked alone on the worst days of my life, so I'm definitely not going to walk alone on the happiest."
Now that you've got all the info, let's get into the responses:
Overall, the post was rated Not the Asshole, and whew. People had THOUGHTS. Firstly, many were concerned about her in-laws' (and possibly her future husband's) views on gender roles.
"Just because something is done one way, does not mean it cannot be done in a different way," user u/litt3lli0n commented. "This is VERY telling of how he sees gender roles. I have to question if other things like this have come up in the duration of your relationship. Does he help with house work? Laundry? Dishes? Or do you do them because they are 'woman' chores."
NSB responded to this line of questioning directly, saying, "He actually does a lot of the chores at home on the weekdays and he even loves cooking," she said. But, "He does have some performative masculinity hangups, like he would never use something that's pink or let me pay for the entirety of a shared meal (either we split or he pays), but nothing aggressive or misogynistic."
People, however, weren't buying it. Some feel as though little actions will soon become big actions. "I hate to say it, but you may want to put the wedding on hold, and re evaluate if this is a family you wish to marry into. The traditional roles could start small, but become something you hate," user u/EtherPhreak said.
Outside of the general concern about his view on gender roles and tradition, many pointed out that the groom's father walking her down the aisle would not even be in line with the traditions they so desperately want to cling to:
"It is not typical for the father-in-law to give away the bride. Not only is it against tradition, it is also completely the opposite of what the tradition symbolizes," user u/consider_its_tree posed. "The symbolism is that the person who put their time and energy into raising you is now handing you off to someone they trust to take care of you. That person is your sister."
And if her father-in-law wants to walk someone down the aisle so badly, some said he should accompany his son:
"Tell your mother-in-law that your father-in-law can walk your fiancé down the aisle if he wants to give someone away," user u/JayBilzeriansPillow said.
And though they were likely being sarcastic, user u/Pachengala chimed in to add: "I actually love this idea and think that'd be super lovely if his dad walked him down the aisle... Let's make this a thing!"
Speaking of her father-in-law and mother-in-law, many were confused about why her in-laws had more of a say about NSB's nuptials than she did:
"My dad passed away unexpectedly shortly before my wedding, so I asked my mom to walk me down the aisle," user u/metro-dots shared. "My future FIL offered... but if my mom didn’t want to do it, I was just going to walk myself down the aisle because that is what I wanted. I understand that it is both yours and his wedding, but this is YOUR entrance. Make it what YOU want."
"I would have serious reservations about marrying someone who was blatantly dismissive of my plan to honor the person who raised me," u/madelinegumbo added.
To many, it feels as though the groom is putting his parent's values and wishes before his future wife's.
"Honestly, him running to his family and them coming after you on his behalf makes me a little hesitant about the current communication and conflict resolution within your relationship. You clearly have an imbalance of family support. I’m worried you are going to be completely crushed under their collective weight. Are you always going to have to give in because they get a vote and outnumber you?" user u/SnooPets8873 said.
They seriously want her to reconsider marrying him and into this family:
"Please reconsider this union. If your fiancé won't support you and understand your past, then he is NOT the one you want to be with the rest of your life, no matter how much you love him. TRUST ME!" u/ArwensRose concluded.